so i made a bunch of foccacia bread today ..
and by a bunch i mean a fucking bunch..
like four full sheet trays full when the recipe .
only makes 1/4th of a sheet tray..
so i had to do math..lol it's been awhile..very simple but you know.
..
so ..
oregon..
..i went out on a date yesterday..
a fantastic one ..
i hope i see more of him.
i tend to try to move to quickly and i don't know if that's because of alejandro or what because it felt like alex and i were racing so hard to get to the finish and then we were done...
but ..
his name is stuart alden.
alden being his middle name.
he's 21 tall very midwestern handsome vegetarian and a complete hipster if i've ever seen one..
he knows all the best music and is beyond sweet.
i really adore him and i hate that i do because i don't know him very well still
so date.
we went to a cafe connected to a grocery store adn talked there for hours but i mean it wasn't that easy..
when i first met with him.
it was so akward.
i mean sweet and comfortable akwardness.
i felt like i was sixteen again ..
stealing glances and hands brushing .
so we went for coffee... i had a hot chocolate he had a latte.
are drinks didn't arrive for at least an hour which was strange but i mean ..
we couldn't help but not notice. we were to silly.
i mean i tried to get him to talk at times and it always started out..
so ...oregon..
because he had spent time there.
but we never got to far past that..
i mean.. we would end up looking into eachothers eyes and it was like this strange game we didn't know we were playing.
like the first to look away loses.
so after a while we noticed the coffee wasnt at our table so i went ot ask..
knowing he was looking at me as i walked away.
i came back and mentioned it..
and he said something like..
was it that obvious?..
to which i replied oh i didn't know i just assumed..
but thank you for reassuring me.
our feet brushed up against eachothers..
he took me to navy pier..
which is tourist central we walked down to the edge to stare over the frozen water..
and he kissed me.
very romantic.
at least i think so.
after ward realizing hours had past and we hadn't eaten anything.
we headed over to argo cafe.
and had green tea and mixed grain salads.
i had lentil he had brown rice and tomatoes.
we sat there and talked about..
lack of meat, music, past relationships, movies, food and more food.
he said my passion was what made me most attractive.
he can make me blush like no one ever has.
so after that small meal didn't fill us up.
we went back to my place..*wow that's awesome to say*
and i ordered a pizza and we watched the go-getter and cuddled on the couch.
i heard him play guitar as well.
he's quite talented.
and i expressed to him my fears.
and why i'm anxious to take this slow.
and he told me on the spot that we should plan a second date.
that made me feel at ease and smile.
so .
monday is the second date.
movie and i'm going to cook for him.
it's exciting to cook for someone again.
i don't mean that in a way that well i get that i'm trying to take this slow.
but firsts. are nice.
so ..
we will probably see somewhere.
the sofia coppola film and come back to my place where i'll make ratatouille and possibly soup and a rice pudding for dessert..
*************
this weekend is going to be really busy at the restaurant.
i was supposed to be off today but chef had me come in and make all that bread.
which he stated..
wow really good fucking bread .
way better than mine.
i dunno why i always look at authority as this all knowing being.
because that's the way i saw him and still sorta do at times.
like of course he knows he's the chef.
but the truth is he didn't go to school
and never made bread before.
he's learned from his jobs.
which i respect greatly..
but it seems more and more like you need some sort of degree in order to really make it.
less room for self taught in certain aspects not to say it can't happen .
but to say it's less seen these days and more rare.
-M
p.s. i'll try to post more photos of everything..

So.
i'm at my new place..
my roomate super cool.
but gone.
lol
he left for christmas holiday for somethign like a week and a half..
he's originally from mississippi so he talks nice and slow.
really sweet guy his girlfriend seems really cool to.
they are both film grad students i think she doesn't live here but stays here a couple nights a week.
my room is small adn under a staircase..lol.
it's aduplex.
so i feel a little harry potter esque.
but its my own room at my own place and i couldn't be more happy..
things are just.
going well.
it's a great feeling being paid and on my own..
i finally feel like fresh start brand new life..
feel so full of hope.
i can take care of myself despite what my grandmother might think.. *but that's a different story*
so ..
i'll mention more on the date later that i had tonight that went really really well.
and well..
i have to be up early tomorrow to make a bunch of bread for the restaurant.though i'm not sure why he didn't just ask karolina are pastry chef to do it..
i think there is bad blood but oh well.
-m

have a date today can't breathe..

lol.

-m

p.s. will do official blog soon about new place and everything that is going on in my life right now..

cause it feels like there is a lot.

ugh need to focus

"why don't you just go home
i'm so sick of your fucking shit"
i believe these were the words my chef said to me today.
it's hard to really remember it happened so fast
we were messing around as we always are and
somewhere it got serious and i didn't realize it.
so i made a remark or hesitated or something
and got that reaction.
even after he said it i still wasn't sure.
it was only when my chef came up to me later that i realized he was serious before.
he said something about how he's usually a cool guy and how he sees himself a certain way and
that although we like to have fun that the kitchen is a serious place.
and that he should be respected and i shouldn't ask questions when he tells me to do something.
it's not the time.
i tried to explain how i was sorry and that i didn't realize but it didn't really help.
i fucked up today.
and i'm moving out tomorrow.
i'm to strange and weird of a person to get anyone to help me move.
i don't understand why i can never make any real lasting friends around here.
i'm to strange o f aperson to have lasting relationsips..
i don't know if i'll ever find anyone who truly understands that i am an individual and that i am different.
who actually thinks it's okay to be this way instead of seeing it as this curse..
i can't look at someone without staring.
and that is looked at weird several times.
i tend to take things in..instead of speaking.
i tend to say the wrong things anyway so why speak..
i'm severely fucked up from everything that has happened to me in my life.
and i can never seem to just settle and adjust..
everything including relationships seem like a chore..
i always have to change who i am and what i say and everything about myself in order
for people to view me as an equal and not a freak..
until then..
-m

so i'm getting out
i haven't told him yet.
i'm contemplating just taking off one day.
i found a place with a grad film student.
who's pretty cool.
from mississippi..
i think he said..
so.
there is that.
i'll be able to afford rent
it's right near the blue line my room isn't to bad.
i'm just so excited to get out.
this morning i locked the door when i went to take a shower.
and he yelled at me told me he needed to brush his teeth.
i told him i needed privacy and he said never to lock the door again.
i asked why?.
he said if ididn't it again he throw my fucking shit out.
..........
later he came in and half apologized and asked if i'd clean up the apartement and sign for some package.
..
fuck.
i'm so ready.
-m

logan square

looking at more places today tomorrow everyday..
until i find a place..
frustrated.
annoyed..
tired.
ugh..
so yeah.......
i spent the night somewhere else the other night.
and i was happy to.
reaffirms every reason why i should be out.
the guy in the picture below..
i spent the night with him.
he got me high.
my first time ever..
it was nice.
he's sweet and quiet.
and is so..well. i don't know.
different i suppose.
i laughed my ass off the next morning though when i looked at my phone and saw three missed calls from alex.
he can fuck himself.
i mean. he treats me so fucking horrible.
with all his little quips and bashes against my personality, dress, attitute..
and i'm supposed to want to leave a note or message..
i really didn't care.
i dunno.
i'm just so ready to get out.
and he has this notion in his head that i'm desperate to stay..
i don't want that.
yelling at me about doors being locked and how i shouldnt use my computer when he's trying to sleep because the clicking of the keys is keeping him up.
wtf..
i'm trying to find a way out of here and your now telling me to get off the computer.
and the next minute telling me how much you want me out.
fuck this.
-m

annabelle lee

so i'm in the process of moving out.

finding a place is difficult with all the factors involvedi mean.

a place no a room for somewhere between 300-450 .

close-ish to work.will settle on either 1 subway or a bus..

decent area where i won't get shot.

no deposit, no credit check

somewhere where i'll get along with people preferably my age..

\and not some creepers.

i dunno.

it's frustrating..

i feel like this past week..

well it feels like a year has past.

i dunno.

on top of it all i put up a personal add on craigslist.

stupid i know.

but i was just lonely and needed to talk to someone.

so this guy responded well truthfully quite a few guys responded and some creepier than others but i mean i dunno.

this guy..

well i'll show you.

nothings happened i won't let it till i'm out..

that would just be wrong..

not that he's innocent.. he = alex.. dunno.

just frustrated tired and ready to sleep easy in a bed somewhere else.

so he left his computer open.
and i found out i've been being lied to way more than i thought.
he tells his exgirlfriend he loves her still and he sent her money presumably for a plane ticket because the lying bitch is coming out here i suppose it's fitting because he's a lying asshole.
i don't think he ever loved me.
i just think he used me as a distraction or maybe revenge..
i'm not sure.
i just wish i wasn't fooled so easily.
she got a tattoo for him or some shit like that.
he got a laptop for her..
i would never ask him for money.
and he wanted me to clean up the apartment today..
all while giving me a time limit to get my ass out.
oh the kicker..
he told her he wants her here when his mother comes and visits.
yeah .
i'm old news.. i'm not worth shit in his eyes.
i'm just a person to lie to.
-m

swear jars, thanksgiving and boys

so thanksgiving blew.
layed around all day ordered in.
middleeastern food.
talked to mom.. talked to grandma..
had to hear her cry again.
told her about alejandro and how i'm leaving.
was fighting telling her but she was actually really cool about it.
well at least semi..
she called him a louse.
and said some mean things.
i'm still in awe that my dad was right about someone i was dating he usually never cares.
but when he met alex he knew.
i'm not sure how he knew but he did.
so tomorrow is the first day of our swear for a cause at work.
if we swear we have to put a quarter in a swear jar. and i think it's all going to some animal shelter.
i get a pretty hard time at work ..
which is incredibly frustrating.
i mean it's all for "fun"..
but it wears on me after a while.
getting shit thrown at me all the time.
made fun of.
i dunno.
i'm just frustrated again.
so ive been talking to a couple of boys.
only problem..
they are two thousand miles away.
danny which i'm sure you remember.
i've been talking to him lately.
he says he wants to come out and visit.
he has a hard homelife.
and when i think about all the shit i put him through.
and how nice and good to me he was i feel awful.
but he has been helpful.
we were talking last night..
he kind of made me cry.
in the good way of course..
well sort of .
it's just nice to have someone care about what you feel and be able to reciprocate that emotion
and i miss him.
very much.
and where things get complicated.
i met a guy in the six weeks before i left for chicago.
his name is ben.
i felt a clear connection and he did as well.
but we never acted on it.
he messaged me and i got a hold of him and we've been talking a lot.
he's a huge dork, but makes me laugh.
i'm a little torn on everything because i still look at alex and know that i love him but
can't wait to get the fuck out of this apartment and avoid seeing him ever again..
what is that?.
strength?. hate?.saving oneself from more pain?.
i just can't stand it..
but i feel like a huge hypocrite because i'm still willing to have sex with him.
even sometimes i initiate it.
i don't know if it's because i'm lonely or in love.
either way it's confusing. and i can't stand it.
-M
p.s. because i've been on such a 90's music thing right now.

i start my first paid day tomorrow.
and i am beyond ecstatic.
saw hp7 pt1
epic to say the least
i cried at the death of dobby poor little house elf.
it felt short and long at the same time i don't think they did an amazing job at conveying the amount of time passed during the forest scenes.
shortly the books are better than the films but i have to wait like another 20 years for them to be remade again so i should just enjoy them now..
which i have.
so good.
-M

so i've been doing nothing but sleeping for what feels like forever.
and our electric bill came in today.
and i have no money..
which i haven't had.for a while now.
so i dunno.
he's gonna end up paying it.
and i'm either gonna pay him back or not.
i guess it depends on him.
yesterday was my day off and i did nothing absolutely nothing.
i mean i can't afford to do anything.
saving up the thirty dollars i have to my name isn't exactly easy.
i'm supposed to be put on payroll soon.
but i'm not even gonna get payed until two weeks after that.
which lets see.
if i start payroll on tuesday.
i won't get payed until the 7th of december.
fuck..
i just realized how awful the next two weeks are gonna be .
they said i don't have to come in today. and i'm not sure why.
but i said ok.
and i dunnoi just feel like what the fuck else am i supposed to do with myself.
and since they are not paying me yet what does it matter if i come in or not.
this is me being paranoid.
-m

love and bartenders

so .
i'm not out yet.
i cut my thumb at work on a mandolin
i'm still not getting paid.
i'm getting punk'd by the people i work with everyday.
but i've found some hope.
while i do get punked, messed with, picked on.
and while it's all very frustrating i do understand that these people do not hate me
i imagine they only want the best for me.
we went out drinking on sunday night.
and this guy i work with.
well. we will see.
i mean. i hate that i got teased about it at work.
nothing did happen but the entire conversation i had with this man just made me feel hope.
something that i haven't felt in a while.
i was so defeated and lost. i just needed some sort of boost.
who knew it would be from a 6'3 bartender.
so we will see where this goes but i don't want anything till i'm out of this apartment.
the mixed signals still continue.
he offered to pay for me to move out but i turned him down.
i told him when i do move out i don't want to see him anymore.
i don't know if it's possible to hurt alex because he sure as hell doesn't act like it.
but when i told him he broke my heart it seemed to hit him in some way so i guess that's good.
at least i know he can feel some things.
my emotions aren't a weakness and fuck anyone who thinks they are. that is pretty much what i've learned from this. i don't regret jumping in so quickly because what i did i did with love and my whole being and i like knowing i took that risk for love. even if it did end up hurting.
-m

FUCk.
my throat hurts from all the yelling.
why does he acknowledge me only to shove me aside the next.
saying he doesn't care about me.
but then comes over puts his arm around me and rubs my shoulders.
he says these aren't mixed signals.
i can't talk to him without him saying he doesn't want to talk.
it's infuriating.
so i started packing my bags already
stuff i don't need immediately.
he told me he wanted me out.
so i'm leaving.
the next twenty minutes were filled with him telling me i'm gonna be late for work
and why aren't i getting ready.
all this because the fucking asshole couldn't no no ..wouldn't give me a fucking hug.
after having a long hard day at work.
he just couldn't be bothered.
i explained how bad it was.and how i was tired and just needed a hug and he couldn't even bother himself to give me that.
and apparently showing any emotion = weakness.
well fuck that.
i'm gonna be sad when something hurts me and i'm gonna cry when it really hurts.
i'm not gonna be a fucking android and have nothing come out of me but work.
geez marissa what a horrible choice you made this time
-m

sing.

things are going well with work.
but the mood swings at home are more than i can bear.
some days i feel like things are completely different ..
only to have this hope shattered in the hours to come.
yesterday morning he was video chatting on my laptop with his exgirlfriend.
i went a bit crazy..
not saying a whole lot or yelling but quickly showering and then leaving but not before calling him a fucking asshole as i left.
making perfectly sure she could here me as i left slamming the door with perfect anger.
i was fuming shaking from so much anger.
i didn't know where to go or what to do..
and found that i ended up at the lincoln park zoo.
just walking .
paying attention for several minutes to each animal.
watching the swans longing for a simpler time.
thinking about how if it is me.?.
am i just never satisfied?.
am i always waiting for this perfect romance and person to come sweep me off my feet.
i end up so wrapped up in what i want that i don't notice what i have.
is that what happened with manuel.
i know i'm at a different place in my life right now.
and i wonder if i was here earlier if we would still be together.
i know i probably shouldn't think these things but i can't help it.
i ended up going back to the apartment.something like two hours later..
i walk up the stairs feeling my anger building with each step.
open the door to find him watching movies on my laptop still.
he starts asking me where i've been and what i did.
now he cares?.
i'm just so frustrated with the whole thing.
we ended up having a great day..
well sort of .
i feel like he never really is present and it's hard to connect with him when he's not there.
i hate that i'm dating my father.
he acts like i don't have the right to be tired at the end of the day because he works more hours than i do.
what do you mean you're tired?.
what did you work 8 hours today?.
i did 10..
"you don't have the rights on being tired".
as much as i want it to be better.
i'm feeling so exhausted.
i've never wanted to come home more.
and i haven't once said that since i got here..
i just miss people and i hate to admit this as well but my mother.
i still haven't told her.
and i still plan on moving out.
im just looking forward to leaving and hopefully finding some solace in being alone and
maybe eventually finding some love that will last longer than a season.
-m

i tried to put my hand to brush back his hair right now.
to which he replied angrily
"what are you doing?"..
nothing..
nothing at all..
.
where did it go wrong.
.
i can probably listen to simple kind of life over and over again.
i feel stupid now for wanting those simple things.
especially when he feels i need to want more .
more than just a happy job happy life happy boyfriend..
i need to not want him.
..because then .
he seems actually interested.
today..
it seemed to be a good day ..
until just right now.
he woke up this morning just to talk to her.
and then when i got on the phone with my grandmother
and started talking to her about everything..
not revealing the bad stuff.
he heard what i was saying and got flirty.
and i dunno..
the signals are so mixed..
he tells me he doesn't want to try and then we have these good days.
only to be interrupted by moments. where
he chooses to live on this island that i can't seem to break him away from.
so i'm looking for apartments to rent and room with someone else craigslist looks really promising.
but i just have to finish my hours.
i can't take the emotional abuse anymore.
it hurts to much.
i don't exsist and his selfishness just hurts even more.
he could give a shit about me and my happiness.
so i guess i should try to find someone who does.
-m

i'm a bit lost.
should i wait it out and see.
or just let it come to a close.
i am in trouble.
-M

so my birthday not a whole lot.
my father didn't call me..
big surprise..
and apparently it was ,well at least to everyone but me.
for his birthday i got him a small S'more ice cream cake
a card that said something like.
anyone who doesn't wish you a happy birthday is a lamewad
the second book in a new series he's reading
and a pint of merlot chocolate chip ice cream
he seemed to like it.
they were kind of mean/cool to him
they found out it was his birthday
and filled up a huge bucket with ice water and dumped it on him.
twice.
once earlier in the day and then again before he left for the night
when he got home he was still wet..
i felt bad.
but again i guess it was cool that they were being so playful but i still think it blows
i'm at starbucks again getting my wifi/coffee fix.
watching my crappy reality television.
-m

too dramatic

another day.
tomorrow is my birthday.
which feels like just another day..
i'm working so i doubt i will actually do anything.
i'm off on thursday and that is actually his birthday and well he's working.
so i'll probably go down to the magnificent mile to see if i can find anything.
i'm thinking tea products.
either that some dorky form of cowboy bebop or avatar no books though
the reading thing while i get.
can feel a bit threatening at times.
i feel like i only know him so much and i'm dying to know everything about him.
i know it sounds a bit crazy or smothering but i love him so much and i just want to know everything.
and he's not really an emotional guy so when i get at all emotional about almost anything .
i kind of get shot down.
my feelings are valid and i hate it when he feels they are unjustified.
but i guess you can't argue with a sociopath.
he says that i'm only upset because things aren't going my way.
i told him it has nothing to do with that.
i am not aware right now if his mother knows we are living together he says it's probably assumed and then he throws the race card down.
i hate that damn race card.
"you wouldn't understand, you're not mexican".
fuck that drives me nuts.
i get it. morals, ideals and such.
but i am a person and i refuse to be kept a secret.
anyways.
that is my frustration.
other than that things are fine.
i just have to set this aside and make him realize it's not about whether i'm right or he is .
it's about the whole situation.
let's see i talked to my grandma.
she's doing ok.
she's in the hospital what feels like once a week.
i'm glad i got to see her before i left.
it meant a lot.
i got all weepy again last night.
not because i was home sick..
or anything like that.
it's because i brought some photographs with me. and one was.
me at about 3 or 4 with my great grandmother.
and i just started thinking about how i should of asked her more and gotten to know her better ..
but i was so young when she died.
about 11. i didn't think about the knowledge she could give me .
just the fun we had.
i know it does nothing to dwell..
but it just makes me miss my grandmother virginia even more.
and how important that connection is to have.
okay. well. i have to finish watching survivor and contemplating buying wireless for the apartment.
-m

reporting from chicago.
so far i love my internship.
they are understanding fun loving people that want nothing but to help me.
i start everyday portioning and cleaning the herbs section and they give me projects for the rest of the day chopping vegetables portioning ingredients getting everything prepped for sundays.. my hours aren't that bad for an externship .. 40 a week. and i get mondays and thursdays off.
i plan on getting some stationary and stamps tomorrow so people look out for letters.
i've also been reading more than i thought i would i got totally enthralled in this book by dan wells called "i am not a serial killer"..
pretty damn good.
my birthday is coming up.
and so is his.
any ideas?..
i have no clue what to get him.
i wanted to by him a pair of boots of some kind but we walked by a place and every suggestion i made he shot down. dunno.
i guess i'll just have to go on a walk i'm sure i'll find something.
i watched that film Never let me go on thursday.
it was really good it was like watching the book unfolding in front of me.
and by that i mean well i never read the book
but the way it was shot felt like a novel.
it was very beautiful despite my hate for kiera knightley
though i must confess she totally sucked me into the dutchess.
anyways so im leaving the theatre and i start talking to this woman and asked her what she thought of the film. and she just kept saying how she thought it was "sick"..
and i didn't understand i mean i loved the film.
that said. the film.. this is no secret..
as it is revealed early in the film.. with all the special talk.
these children/young adults grow to harvest organs that is why they were created.
maybe she was just annoyed at the premise of the film and didn't like the whole harvesting humans thing..
i dunno but it bothered me.
i wanna see let me in. very soon.
hopefully sunday if alex isn't to tired to be dragged out of bed.
anyways.
i have more internet browsing to do.
-M

i have arrived

so i have arrived.

he plane ride was long and sweaty.

and the rambunctious child behind me wasn't allowing me to much sleep.

so instead of trying to sit back and enjoy the inflight movie of "the joneses" i chose to have a 4 hour listening of death cab for cutie.

which i must admit in hind sight is the definite better choice.

60 dollars to check my bags which was insane to me at the time. and even more insane was the sixty dollar cab ride.

i get it ..expensive.

i wanted to take the subway but my several bags prevented me from getting around easily.

and i didn't want to wait to figure how to do the whole shared ride thing.

i get in and am home.

comfortable.

take a bath and pass out .

only to be awakened at two in the morning.

i missed him so much.

i hate to sound like such a girl.

and ayaka and marcella i lose.. definately lose.

and very happy about it.

this morning we didn't even leave the house till late. took a stroll down to a hot dog stand and had chared polish dogs.

the relish was so green i know don't believe me. but i swear it looked like snot i mean neon relish.

but so good.. to much mustard for my liking especially since i hate it but all around really good.

really good fries as well.

picked up season three of the big band theory and started to have a marathon but got distracted by sex, ice cream and then well tofu passed out. so there is that.

he's sleeping currently while i write this blog i'm trying to keep myself from cuddling with him because i don't wanna wake him.

tomorrow i wanna head to oz park and take some pictures. with my camera.. it's been way to long since i've had a camera.

thank you

amri, adam, vidal, dusty, and reba for making my going away night so awesome..

the cake was amazing!.

my mom was emotional the next morning but i think she was worse when i had already left based on the facebook updates from eddie.

i'm doing well and can't wait to go in on wednesday

-M

i asked my mom last night if she thought i was crazy.
ive been asking a few people just to see what sort of answer comes up.
a boy at school brandon told me no that he moved in with his girlfriend in even less time
and my mom.. well my mom.
my told me i had balls.
to put it quaintly .
she told me i was brave and that it took strength to move half way across the country for something that i wanted.
surprising answer coming from my mom.
-m

west coast

the vegan restaurant was pretty amazing.
i spent my time making a bunch of "crab" cakes
mandolining potatoes.
forming arugula pizzas
chopping a shit load of fingerling potatoes.
chopping onions, garlic, bells, and herbs
it was pretty awesome.
the staff there is all really young and fun loving.
but serious about there shit.
so i cut my finger through the nail a bit and washed it off bandaged and gloved
i asked chef what else i can do.
and he set up a tasting menu just for me in the middle of the kitchen.
it was pretty amazing i've never had vegan food like that.
really delicious.
it excites me and i really can't wait to start there.
the other nightwood ..
while i'm sure the food was amazing because i've heard nothing but good things my experience wasn't necessarily favourable.
i got in and was immediately asked to take off my chef coat.
why i complied i felt akward about it.
this is my chef coat i've worked hard throughout my entire schooling in order to wear this maybe i've bought in but if it makes me feel good about myself what does it matter?.
anyways so i took off my coat and was instructed to slice some bacon and sopressa sausage.
and form some garnishes for bloody mary's for the next days brunch which was fine.
they were apparently having some trouble with their plumbing though. because at one point the entire upstairs and downstairs became flooded with sewer water the inside of the walk-in water dripping from the walls downstairs and i go to get a sharpie out of my pocket of my chefs coat and my coat and apron and towels are soaked with dirty sewer water the plumber had the nerve to move everything but my whites... WTF!.
it was really upsetting it didn't help at all ..
the fact that i really got along with these people as in they are the kind of people that are into mother earth and npr and cycling to work you know hipster esque with good taste in music and quiet attitudes there was no clear distinct leader there and the guy i was supposed to be working with, i get it he was busy, but he'd leave me without anything to do for large sums of time. and when i began to watch this girl measuring out and cooking she looked at me and asked what i was doing and i said "just watching" to which she replied "oh watching, not working" FUCK.. i tried to reply no it's not like that. but she either didn't hear me or didn't care to. yeah i was not wanted which is probably why they gave me the task of taking like 4-5 bunches of grapes cutting each one in half and removing all the seeds.. which took forever and by the end of it my hands were sticky and partially black from the sugars hitting the open air for so long if it was a good experience i wouldn't of cared. for vegan i would have done that all day but just the mere fact that i felt in the way of everything just drove me nuts because i'm telling these people here use me for a day i'm free work and they could really give a shit...
it was not a good day. and by the end of it he just sorta rushed me out the door saying that they were gonna be busy and i'd better go because i was tired.
i know i was tired and i iknow i wasn't giving my best because of it.
and it didn't help that the guy there kept telling me to drink some coffee.
mr. john"don't call me chef" smith.
who also kept telling me that i should never own my own restaurant .. saying it's not worth it.
wtf?.
i'm sorry.. i wanted that day to go a whole lot better i really did i wanted to do well and be out of this weekend with the feeling that wow i really can't decide which restaurant i would like to intern at.. but no .. not so much..
so now awesome vegan charismatic restaurant wins out whole heartedly over crowded apathetic farm to table restaurant which feels like it doesn't follow procedure anyway..
anyways sunday was good.
i was to sad and annoyed from the day before to really enjoy myself and the fact that i was leaving the next day didn't help.
so there were little squabbles with alex.
but it turned out well.
we went for a short exploration of the neighborhood surrounding us ..
which included a trip to the nature museum where they had a butterfly sanctuary.
which was basically an enclosed outdoor room which felt like a rainforest the air was thick and musty and from the moment you walk in it's like butterfly crossing everywhere literally hundreds of butterflies flying all around you even landing on you if you are so lucky.
and tiny little birds similar to quails running around the dirt ground in and out of the nooks and crannys almost so fast you miss them.
ate dinner at a little indian food restaurant and later at night i bought us a pint of some yummy ice cream and we layed there on are unassembled futon sharing it with one spoon out of the carton. him reading me exploring the internet off our mooched off internet connection.
the city is amazingly beautiful though.. the old buildings i must get a camera. i need one.
so this morning we finished assembling the futon.
took a shower.
made some breakfast.
scrambled eggs with siracha and cotija cheese on corn tortillas.
with some raspberry lemonade
and took the bus to the subway and now i'm here at the airport.
my first or second time taking the subway i really can't remember i saw mice running across the tracks tiny ones.
it worked out a lot easier than i thought it would.
and i'm happy with that i'm happy with this city and hope my future experiences with it are going to be nothing but positive
though i can't wait to see my friends some more before i leave for good my mom is still sad but says she's proud.
which i'm happy with. i am going to miss her and everyone i know.
naked fun must be had before i leave.
but i'm not gone yet.
FUCK PEOPLE WHO HATE LA.
that's probably the only thing i'm coming home with that i dislike.
people in chicago don't seem to be fans of l.a. which i dunno ..maybe there jealous of the weather i dunno.
everytime i mentioned l.a. they were like "oh, yeah?".. in a weird disapproving tone. which was all so apparent.
anyways my plane is boarding and i need to get on it.
-M.
p.s. i'm crazy sad that i've finally made awesome friends at school and now i'm leaving
marcella and ayaka.. you ROCK!

caffiene not good

so i'm here.
the city is pretty amazing.
i broke my glasses within the first two hours of being here
reminder: always put glasses off of floor.
we ate dinner at a little austrian bakery which was actually pretty awesome.
grilled veggies panini with olives and pickles on the side
and
a rueben.
had to carry futon parts down a few blocks with quite a few people watching and not offering to help.
this city moves really fast but i like it.
people use their horns here like crazy..
there seems to be a lot of angst in the air.
but the actual area is so beautiful
i took a walk this morning just exploring the neighborhood and just wishing to god i had a camera.
the houses here are so beautiful even the jacked up ones.
i stopped at starbucks to pass the time at like 8:30 picked up a pumpkin spice latte.
bad idea.
my hands are still shaking i apparently cant handle caffiene and i really don't like this feeling.
excitability i believe is the word.
so i was killing time before bed bath opened and i was reading the local version of la weekly which would be the chicago reader..pretty awesome.
article about scissor sisters and new movie reviews.
so bed bath i picked up:
sheet set
two pillows.
mesh laundry bag
hangers
2 bowls
2plates
2forks
2 knives
2 mugs
considering there is nothing in this little room..
i do really like it though.
i'm leaving soon for the stage.
here is to hoping it all goes well.
-M

i cut my finger yesterday.
Stupid me.
i was sharpening my knives getting all excited using a piece of paper to test how sharp it was.
it's no big deal tiny cut.
but it makes me more nervous.
i'm excited to leave.
i know i'll miss it once i'm there
but right now all i can see is the light at the end of the tunnel.
i bought my ticket.
and although i'll be back on monday i'm glad to get a taste.
i'm just super super nervous.
what if none of the restaurants i'm staging at wants me.
i'm determined not to get ahead of myself.
and if they don't want to hire me i can always ask for an externship.
so there is that.
-M
p.s. i love that cockuzzi played the gin blossoms

knightwood looks amazing
and seems really open to externs
will update soon.

DJ-ango? who's that?

i am currently actively looking for employment in chicago.
i've been applying to several places via craigslist and have yet to hear a reply
but i will not give up yet because at this point a paying externship is better, especially when i'm not certain of the help i'm getting, than a free one.
other than that.
my grandmother is getting better.
i'm glad she's praying if it helps her.
she seemed to perk up after the visit to the hospital and after a big portion of her family showed up.
also my brother got his diploma .
i'm proud of him.
though i wish things weren't so complicated that he had to get it now and now when he was 17.
i'm at the bistro right now.
working for school i mean.
i do prep all morning which can be pretty awesome considering the food we prep is actually eaten by the public.
though i'm not exacty excited to head back to the classroom.
speech and psychology.
we'll see.
-M

need to get over my lack of self confidence.
i know i have the strength to do everything i want to.
i just need to get the courage to call.
why i have phone fright is beyond me.
but i've never been good at it.
and it doesn't help that mary my career advisor is jumping up my ass about it.
i'm just nervous and i need to get over it.
-m

so the pain is finally gone.
but the embarassment is still there.
i called my grandmother today.
and found out that not only her but my aunt and grandfather know
about alejandro and my mishap with the yeast and kidney infection.
and apparently it's all the buzz..
why in the hell my dad chooses now to but into not only my personal but also sex life.
is beyond me and why he's choosing to speak to his mother about it drives me up a wall.
now i have my grandmother in my ear talking to me about SIDS..
she means STDs.
but doesn't know the difference.
i need to seperate myself fromall of this quickly.
i'm staying with him.
i love him and i'm choosing to stay .
i've weighed all my options and i choose him.
if that makes me stupid then i guess i'll learn.
-m

my kidneys are feeling better or at least they were.
i took off running down the streets to get something
when i came back and sat down they ached bad.
so i took my pain medication and we'll see.
life is going ok..
i'm getting better with my spanish.
and class is well but i'm becoming more and more tired.
looking for places in chicago is a lot easier than looking for an internship there.
but i plan on calling more so i'll be alright.
so tired.
my dad is upset with me.
but he's more upset because he thinks my sex life is the direct cause of my sickness.
and it could be but that's not even what he's upset about.
what he's more upset about is that he had to pay for my hospital bill.
which to him is completely fucked up.
and to me well i dunno.
he doesn't listen to me.
i've become my brother when it comes to my father. no relationship.
-m

she wasn't lying.
Fuck My Life!

so i am sick.
i was at a family gathering things were going well.
cooking conversing games and such.
and i start shaking
and not normal shakes either..
scary shakes where i can't control my body i turned all clammy and gross so they set me up to go to the hospital.
the walk in urgent care was closed so we headed to the emergency room.
and they took me in and hooked me up to an iv for which now i have a huge bruise on my arm. which looks like death or maybe i'm just over exaggerating
they had me in that bed for like two hours before they told me i had a kidney infection
before they even put the i.v. in i was like no mom go get alejandro
half crying half pouting ..
no i want alejandro..
i was so scared and my mom on her phone the whole time telling me to calm down wasn't exactly helping.
life is going well ish..
i'm starting to think my father is into more
than just marijuana or at least that is what its starting to feel like..
he'll be gone till saturday.
he was more upset at the fact that he was being billed for my affliction that me actually being sick and gross.
i told him. dad i just got back from the hospital i have a kidney infection
oh..sorry..
as he talks on the phone and goes back to his conversation
but dad they are going to bill you for the visit..
what?.. why?..i don't understand..if your.....nevermind..
and he goes back again to his conversation..
i go upstairs and go to sleep..
wow i love my relationship with my father.
-M

so it's official.
i have a boyfriend.
things started falling apart on us yesterday.
with his girlfriend claiming she was pregnant.
i don't understand how some girls would do that.
i got so scared when he called me up and told me that.
i'm like that's it i'm done he's gonna go raise a child with this crazy person.
and i'm back to before.
and i told him my fears later.
and he told me that never crossed his mind child or not he still wanted me to be his.
i nearly cried.
so he attempted to make me like three or four different desserts yesterday
all of which failed..
he dropped the first and fourth one.
and his oven didn't have the proper temperatures for the 2nd and 3rd. When he finally came over to see me he was so frazzled.
i just wanted to hold him.
he took me to this park where he wanted romantic night lights and sunset but there was a baseball game there and it was super packed.
so we went to pinks.
i love sharing food this guy..
so on our way back.
i start talking to him about the defining moments in his life where he asks a girl to be a girlfriend.
and most of the time he seems disinterested and just says something over the phone like "we should date"
lol.
"well why do you care so much about this?"
"because your special"
"i don't care about all the nice restaurants or things you buy me i just wanna spend time with you i wanna be with you"
so i lay my head on his shoulder and after about 2 or so minutes
he leans over and says do you want to be my girlfriend.?.
and i say yes.
and he gets all happy and does a fist pump.
and is like YES..
what a dork..
i love him as if i would say no.
-M.

Nevada was pretty awful.
i'm glad i got to see my grandmother because she's getting much worse
she need transfusions every two weeks now and they are saying that she has something like six months left.
i made chili rellenos which came out rather good despite .
the wrong cheese, flimsy as all hell chilis, a fight, loud as tv not allowing me to concentrate, and flies everywhere.
i had a bit of a meltdown and itdidn't help that the oil popped on my hand.
hurt like hell.
my dad didn't seem to care much.
dunno.
my sope de lima came out really nice.
so i'm looking at restaurants in the chicago area and so far a few nice ones so i'll keep looking.
i'm washing blankets right now and am almost healed.

i had a four day date from thursday to today..

and i dont know how to describe it without sounding desperate or scared.

but i am indeed in love.

and i'm terrified of it but i know i want more.

and i'm begging not to be hurt.

and if i can manage to be trusting and not so hesitant that i know indeed he feels the same.

i am in love after four days.

it feels so ridiculous but its true.

i don't think i fall that easily

but there it is i'm in love.

his name is alejandro.

yeah like the song.

i've liked him for a while but this four day date it changed everything.

flipped my whole world upside down.

day/date one. thursday

dinner at the little next door

i had the second best bread i've ever had.

olive bread dipped in some olive oil.

shared a mushroom vol au vent

which was so good!

and he ordered the falafel sandwich for me while he had the mussels

we ended up switching up anyway the mussels just looked to desirable.

morrocan mint tea and then morrocan ice tea for him and then a tropical fruit ice tea for me.

it was magical?.

the only word i can think of using

it felt as though we entered a different world.

we were no longer in l.a. but in some sorta of post card from some place farther

no worries abound.

just hope.

i hope i 'm doing the feeling justice i mean i really felt seperated from my body.

floating above and enjoying it all.

a trip to the beach afterward

couldn't go down to the water though

it was crowded by to many people.

day/date 2 friday.

picked me up and made me dinner

spicy pasta with a red wine and tomato base w/ purple mashed potatoes

and we watched shutter island

day/date 3 saturday

vegan food at flore in silverlake

avocado and cheese sandwich while he got the portobello panini and a really crappy green shake thing.. i had a pretty awesome shake coconut milk and banana

with bad gelato and a walk.

then to the laemmle to see winters bone.

really really good movie

day/date 4 sunday.

Gardunos taco king breakfast

a trip to monrovia to collect a comic book

meet my parents

then to phillipes near china town for two lamb double dips

i had lemonade he had ice-tea

i feel like i'm spinning and really wouldn't choose to stop if i had the option.

-m

staging

i hate being alone.
that being said..
i hate that can't be alone without getting weird..
working on a paper describing umami
and why it is our fifth basic taste.
i'm trying to stage at a cafe and bakery in monrovia
called merengue
it's going well so far i need to get some sort of paperwork for him to sign.
and he's said it's a go.
so im excited i'll be spending more time at my moms which is both good and horrible.
i'll probably be going to stage at this place from 5-10am and then to school from 12-5pm.
i'll be tired but hopefully very knowledgable.
back to the paper
-M
p.s. stage-free work given to restaurants in order to get experience and expand your resume.

Could use more rise..but can't everything??..
it's from lack of buttering and sugaring the inside of the ramakin..
still very tasty.

i suck at interviews.
really bad.
my palms get sweaty.
my mind goes blank.
and i choke.
i had a mock interview session today.
and almost was in tears by the end of it..
for a fucking mock interview...
ugh..
-M.

last night was awesome..
i'm so happy for adam.
i wish my camera hadn't broke.
i'm excited for summer though the heat isn't fun.
my dad took off for the weekend him and some friends rented a house in havasu and he has his boat so well..
he'll be on a boat this weekend..
i'm off.
need to get ready for a carnival date.
-m

dear mom:
i am perfectly aware that life is expensive..
i don't expect to live on dreams..
if i wanna leave the l.a. area i expect to have to be able to afford it.
i am not delusional.
so stop being a fucking killjoy.
and let me make my own decisions without you shooting them down every other minute.
and if your so willing to point out the faults in my plans shouldn't you be willing to help out with these said faults?.
-M

i got back from my grandmothers on friday.
she's a lot worse than she used to be.
she's so tired all the time.
dad knows the story.
so does my grandma.
all she talks about is death .
she'll spurt out tears in the middle of a nice conversation.
i know she's scared and i'm not sure how to help her.
she slept all while i was there.
i made dinner and dessert for the family and
we watched a movie together.
that house is a war zone.
when it was meant to be a place of peace.
i was told recently my grandfather moved out there to be closer to his brother.
and then a year or so later his brother died.
there is cameras set up in and around the house because of my grandfather's paranoia.
i just want things to get better for her.
i'm gonna try to go out there again when my dad heads out.
-m

up late again.

it's 12:53 right now.
and i desperately want to sleep.
but i can't because
my father is blasting:
nickelback
lady gaga
beyonce
ludacris
rihanna
and various others..
now while this is very very annoying this late.
it's also even more so annoying because he has a girl in his room as well.
while i don't know what kind of girl would find his huge flat screen tv and bluray player, and live in daughter appealing somehow he's found one.
on top of that it's WEDNESDAY..
this isn't the weekend..
wtf??..
so tired..
need sleep.
-M

we had an antipasti buffet today
it was pretty awesome.
but the thing that seemed to upset everyone
is that we didn't get our demo on cheese making.
we made mozzarella and thats it and we hardly even made it.
it was pretty much already made and we formed it.
it's also become crazy upseting that everytime we are asked to do something
in a classroom setting might i add.
we have to clue why we're doing it.
we follow her blindly and that's what gets me upset even more.
shes tells me what to do today.and
15 min into me doing it a person asks why..
and i'm like..
well..
i don't know she just told me to do it.
so i dunno.
international is up next and i'm excited but even more excited over sushi tomorrow.
yum.
-M
p.s. watch the cove..
it will make you not want to eat sushi
and support the fight against the murder of dolphins and the complete disregard certain parts in japan has for our planet and everyone else in the world.

making cheeses tomorrow.
excitedly nervous..
my leg has been hurting all day and im not sure why.
hoping it will go away by the morning..
i got an 85 on my test last week..
all my chef ever does is tear us down.
we can never get it completely correct
not that i expect her to give us a gold star everytime we get it right.
but .. i dunno.
an 85 is a good grade..
but why do i still feel like i did a horrible job..
i always say the wrong thing.
and think the wrong way.
i'm hoping things work themselves out i'm loving what i'm doing.
but the way this chef talks..well.
i don't think of money that way.
i have no desire to really do the things she talks about doing.
money doesn't make the world go round in my head
maybe i'm wrong but it doesn't feel wrong in my heart..
i need to start looking for a place to extern because i'll be leaving for it in september.
and after that the real world which scares me even more.
i really wanna start looking into organic slow cooking if not vegan and vegetarian cuisine.
because that's what is important to me.
i love rustic heartfelt food.
not food that has been broken down and turned into more of exhibit while eating than a meal.
not that it doesn't take talent..
it takes more talent that i might ever possess
i just..
i'm finally starting to realize what i want
and what i want is definately not the norm.
-m

i ♥ the oscars

Mostly for the fact that it sometimes helps me discover new films that i may have over looked for the year..
but secretly for the fashion..
i adore all the hollywood glamour..
especially old hollywood glamour..
lauren becall's appearance at the oscars made me gush.
anyways.
i really need to see the hurt locker now.
-m
p.s. my favorites of the night..

Sandra Bullock: i love the old hollywood glam here.she looks amazing even if she resembles the oscar statue a bit.

Nicole Richie: she always pulls off that sixties style with ease. and this picture doesn't do the dress justice because it has a very low back, making it very sexy.
Kate Winslet: do i really need to say anything?..
she is brilliant.
she would look amazing in a paper bag.

Carey Mulligan: i love how youthful-ly goth this dress feels but i'm also in love with those shoes.

Anna Kendrick: omg this dress is so beautiful..

you can see the detail as well as i'd like on it..

and it blends into her skin a bit..

but wow ..i just adore this dress.

p.s.s what were your favorites of the night?..

i hate nights like these.
where the air is cold but quiet.
it makes my stomach and heart uneasy.
the moments where it feels like my feet will never hit the ground.
those moments come from nights like these.
i feel something bad is going to happen.
i want to be wrong.
-m

i need to be a redhead immediately

8:30 and i've yet to begin getting ready.
i've been starting to get that panic-y
feeling in the pit of my stomach when things
are going to go wrong.
it was my grandfathers birthday yesterday
i sent him a package of old man goodies.
A newsboy cap, slippers, and some argyle socks.
i tried to find a cardigan but my funds weren't sufficient.
i hope he likes it..
i put my dad's name on the card even though he had nothing to do with it.
i wish he cared more.
-m

i start wine studies and literature and composition tomorrow..
excited for the literature part because linquist is fun to look at which is my instructor..
i'm so tired from this weekend..
but it was fun..
wolfman was only okay..
i wanted it to be amazing but not so much..
it's storyline was kind of everywhere..
and i found myself trying to stay awake instead of at the edge of my seat..
ugh..
oh well..
-m

boys boys boys.

i could be at the grammys right now!!!..
i need to go to the stupid 1 time event seminar..
i hate that our class always gets out so late..
a bunch of students at our school are working the grammys tonight.
thing are getting better at school i'm more sure of myself....
well at least a bit.
i'm gonna be sous again on tuesday.
we will see how it goes..
my heart is still torn..
i know it's my own fault.
i'm trying to let go.
but yeah..
i know
broken record...
ugh..
v-day is coming up.
it should be interesting.
he says he has plans for me.
not to mention he is taking me out next friday..
a real date..
and by he i mean danny.
so we'll see.
-m

am i that easily forgotten?..
my heart is in my throat right now..
and my only question is am i that easily forgotten.?.
i felt like a child again..
ignored and alone.
but then again when am i not?.
-m
another sad post.

oh how i wish.
i could live in a series of moments.
for the rest of my time.
happiness is too fleeting and fickle.
and how i wish this feeling of being infinite would last as long
as my heart beats.
-m