swear jars, thanksgiving and boys

so thanksgiving blew.
layed around all day ordered in.
middleeastern food.
talked to mom.. talked to grandma..
had to hear her cry again.
told her about alejandro and how i'm leaving.
was fighting telling her but she was actually really cool about it.
well at least semi..
she called him a louse.
and said some mean things.
i'm still in awe that my dad was right about someone i was dating he usually never cares.
but when he met alex he knew.
i'm not sure how he knew but he did.
so tomorrow is the first day of our swear for a cause at work.
if we swear we have to put a quarter in a swear jar. and i think it's all going to some animal shelter.
i get a pretty hard time at work ..
which is incredibly frustrating.
i mean it's all for "fun"..
but it wears on me after a while.
getting shit thrown at me all the time.
made fun of.
i dunno.
i'm just frustrated again.
so ive been talking to a couple of boys.
only problem..
they are two thousand miles away.
danny which i'm sure you remember.
i've been talking to him lately.
he says he wants to come out and visit.
he has a hard homelife.
and when i think about all the shit i put him through.
and how nice and good to me he was i feel awful.
but he has been helpful.
we were talking last night..
he kind of made me cry.
in the good way of course..
well sort of .
it's just nice to have someone care about what you feel and be able to reciprocate that emotion
and i miss him.
very much.
and where things get complicated.
i met a guy in the six weeks before i left for chicago.
his name is ben.
i felt a clear connection and he did as well.
but we never acted on it.
he messaged me and i got a hold of him and we've been talking a lot.
he's a huge dork, but makes me laugh.
i'm a little torn on everything because i still look at alex and know that i love him but
can't wait to get the fuck out of this apartment and avoid seeing him ever again..
what is that?.
strength?. hate?.saving oneself from more pain?.
i just can't stand it..
but i feel like a huge hypocrite because i'm still willing to have sex with him.
even sometimes i initiate it.
i don't know if it's because i'm lonely or in love.
either way it's confusing. and i can't stand it.
-M
p.s. because i've been on such a 90's music thing right now.