sing.

things are going well with work.
but the mood swings at home are more than i can bear.
some days i feel like things are completely different ..
only to have this hope shattered in the hours to come.
yesterday morning he was video chatting on my laptop with his exgirlfriend.
i went a bit crazy..
not saying a whole lot or yelling but quickly showering and then leaving but not before calling him a fucking asshole as i left.
making perfectly sure she could here me as i left slamming the door with perfect anger.
i was fuming shaking from so much anger.
i didn't know where to go or what to do..
and found that i ended up at the lincoln park zoo.
just walking .
paying attention for several minutes to each animal.
watching the swans longing for a simpler time.
thinking about how if it is me.?.
am i just never satisfied?.
am i always waiting for this perfect romance and person to come sweep me off my feet.
i end up so wrapped up in what i want that i don't notice what i have.
is that what happened with manuel.
i know i'm at a different place in my life right now.
and i wonder if i was here earlier if we would still be together.
i know i probably shouldn't think these things but i can't help it.
i ended up going back to the apartment.something like two hours later..
i walk up the stairs feeling my anger building with each step.
open the door to find him watching movies on my laptop still.
he starts asking me where i've been and what i did.
now he cares?.
i'm just so frustrated with the whole thing.
we ended up having a great day..
well sort of .
i feel like he never really is present and it's hard to connect with him when he's not there.
i hate that i'm dating my father.
he acts like i don't have the right to be tired at the end of the day because he works more hours than i do.
what do you mean you're tired?.
what did you work 8 hours today?.
i did 10..
"you don't have the rights on being tired".
as much as i want it to be better.
i'm feeling so exhausted.
i've never wanted to come home more.
and i haven't once said that since i got here..
i just miss people and i hate to admit this as well but my mother.
i still haven't told her.
and i still plan on moving out.
im just looking forward to leaving and hopefully finding some solace in being alone and
maybe eventually finding some love that will last longer than a season.
-m