"why don't you just go home
i'm so sick of your fucking shit"
i believe these were the words my chef said to me today.
it's hard to really remember it happened so fast
we were messing around as we always are and
somewhere it got serious and i didn't realize it.
so i made a remark or hesitated or something
and got that reaction.
even after he said it i still wasn't sure.
it was only when my chef came up to me later that i realized he was serious before.
he said something about how he's usually a cool guy and how he sees himself a certain way and
that although we like to have fun that the kitchen is a serious place.
and that he should be respected and i shouldn't ask questions when he tells me to do something.
it's not the time.
i tried to explain how i was sorry and that i didn't realize but it didn't really help.
i fucked up today.
and i'm moving out tomorrow.
i'm to strange and weird of a person to get anyone to help me move.
i don't understand why i can never make any real lasting friends around here.
i'm to strange o f aperson to have lasting relationsips..
i don't know if i'll ever find anyone who truly understands that i am an individual and that i am different.
who actually thinks it's okay to be this way instead of seeing it as this curse..
i can't look at someone without staring.
and that is looked at weird several times.
i tend to take things in..instead of speaking.
i tend to say the wrong things anyway so why speak..
i'm severely fucked up from everything that has happened to me in my life.
and i can never seem to just settle and adjust..
everything including relationships seem like a chore..
i always have to change who i am and what i say and everything about myself in order
for people to view me as an equal and not a freak..
until then..
-m