Like crazy...

got out of work early and since someone decided to jump in front of one of the cta blue line. i decided to go see a movie at the landmark in lakeview.
i chose like crazy.
i have been wanting to see it since watching the trailer when it first came out.
anton yelchin in romantic sad possibly devastating role. sign me up.
so.
movie starts.
i don't immediately enjoy the doe eyed overbite brit but damn i will say she grows on you quick.
this film portrays young first love in a real way and while parts were difficult to watch
because you felt so involved they are relatable characters. flawed and hopeful you want so bad for it to work all while knowing it rarely does. you keep this hope because they do.
you feel the love.
but instead of feeling hopeful by the end of the film. i was a bit underwhelmed..not necessarily with the film but of the emotions it evoked from me. i mean lets say you can meet that person again the person you fell so in love with meet them again now.
the love is still there but you are different they are different.
change is inevitable.
and you outgrow the love you crave at least this is in my case.
that was true when i arrived back home last may.
but i didn't realize it till now.
i'm sorry if i spoiled anything i tried to be vague.
which i still kind of think i was.
this is my interpretation of it anyways.
there will be many i'm sure.
either way i recommend you see this film.
for the hopeless romantic in you that also has a cynical side.
<3M
p.s. i leave you with a quote from the film
i did lovew this film and plan on adding it to my collection
it will sit next to blue valentine and 500 days of summer
"I thought I understood, but I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it, the eagerness of it, the idea of it, of you and me"

Countdown

so today i made an impulse purchase at B&N. (Barnes and Noble)
which is entitled GEEK GIRLS UNITE by LESLIE SIMON
and i cannot put it down.
i don't know i feel like yeah its speaking to me but not just that its a manifesto for girls like me.
and that yeah its okay.. and rather be proud.
and since i'm not particularly into just one section of the book
i.e.
FANGIRL GEEK
LITERARY GEEK
FILM GEEK
MUSIC GEEK
FUNNY-GIRL GEEK
DOMESTIC GODDESS GEEK
i feel like while i am mostly film i possess qualities of all these awesome geekery sections.
and i fully intend on embracing them even more so.
so.
in further geekery sectioned off in the film horror catagory.
i watched splice tonight.
adrien brody and sarah polley.
and
well first spoiler alert.
..
.
..
...
while the movie was pretty decent.
there were some scenes in it. that well.
weren't necessarily graphic in nature.
but whatever sort of lady wood i would of had was immediately diminished.
and i mean when your guy turns to you after a certain scene and says yeah i don't think we'll be having sex tonight.
i think that the movie has either done its job.. or.. completely hasn't..
i'm not quite sure on that one.
so .
the spoiler is.
adrien brody fucks the creation..
and then the creation fucks sarah polley.
to much just thinking about it.
um not so much.
.
..
...
..
.
so work.
they cut my hours.
the first time they have in the year that i have been working there.
and well.
i can't decide if i'm crazy annoyed or not.
time will tell.
i have a feeling my time there is well on some sorta timer.
i'm not sure.
everything feels shaky.
and i know i annoy the fuck out of john.
and well.
i guess thats fine.
are personalities are way to similar to the point where we never know when eachother is just fucking around or serious.
he sees me as the joy sucking, bitch.
and i really don't know what i see him as.
but its fucked.
...
so my birthday dinner was awesome.
we went to http://lulacafe.com/
i had the lamb breast and omg.
so awesome.
and fatty and unexpected.
it was very romantic.
and it got me out of the slump that i've been burying myself in lately.
i don't know whats wrong with me..
i usually began most posts with that before.
but i've been off lately.
in my head to much again.
but i will say our place is finally starting to come together.
....
so.
that is all for now.
oh did i mention my hair is luscious raspberry at the moment.
blue again next. i miss blue envy.
until next time.
-M
p.s. big bang gets bret spiner OMG. awesome!

luscious raspberry

feeling so blah today ..
will fully take advantage of my day off.
by lounging watching reruns of bad tv shows.
dying my hair.
doing laundry and all around cleaning up the box cluttered apartment we now have.
josh is working . i'll see him late tonight birthday in three days.
scary excited.
-M
will post pictures later

your woman-white town

little things that make me happy:
when my shitty ass self hair cut just happens to fall just right ( i rarely get a good hairday so when i do this is enjoyed)
listening to crazy ninties music that i had forgotten about..
soy pumpkin spice lattes.
when i lay off dairy for long enough so my skin clears up.
*****************
so the comic book show was a bit of a bust.
i mean it was fine i got my shit signed but he was in an interview and sorta waved the girl away who was trying to get a signature for me.
very disrespectful.
interview or not.
either way i still respect his artwork like a crazy amount but i'm gonna look into him and see if he has any original stories.
gonna go into work again tomorrow on my day off
need to figure this shit out.
pumpkin cheesecake needs a new crust.
and some sorta glaze.
and i wanna do a bread pudding.
will work on tomorrow.. please don't letme be there all day though.
ugh.

skottie young

so today.. i have to head home stop at the store for some food goods.

and then .. heading out to go to a skottie young signing and maybe buy an original art piece that is oz related. if its not to expensive.

uber nerd and only getting nerdier then i have to head back home and research coffee related ice cream or mousse of some sort.

so i am off..

wish me luck.

-M

never saw the point

currently at starbucks ..

where else would i be?..

don't get me wrong. i don't mean to sound like a lifelike version daria but its difficult when i'm not even trying.

so here i am enjoying my green tea/lemonade sweetened grande concoction

not to bad either i must say. regardless of the look on my face.

and i am currently listening to cults which are fucking fantastic if you have not heard.

so i thought things would be a bit drastically difficult but not currently at least not yet.

which i might be speaking to soon on but i hope not and i really don't think so.

so .

i haven't posted in a couple of months..

i went home for my grandmother's funeral..

i still miss her like crazy when i think about it. i hate the thought that i will never see her again and

whatever children i end up having will never know her.

but at least i did.

she made me a better person. and i'm grateful enough that i got to know her.

today. i made a german apple cake and with some luck it will be on the menu. in my head as of now.

german apple cake.

pumpkin cheesecake.

i/c cookies

choc pnut.

some sorta currant/fig/ pear dessert and that's all i really got so far.

i need to think of the crazies at work such as.

gluten free

soy free

nut and seed free.

raw.

it all presents problems or "challenges" as some people like to call it.

either way i'm happy with it for now.

and that's all i can really hope for.

**********************

Joshua and i .

well.it's going well. i mean. no fights no discomfort.

it just feels cramped is all. like i'm living in his house not we're living together.

and i suspect it will feel like this until we find a place that we both like together.

but until then its bridgeport for us.

chicken tonight with red skin potatoes.

-M

i shall update soon. i have been gone far to long. btw. did you know that batgirl can't survive without her coconutwater mixed with lychee juice??. its true its on the internet

we're all in this together.

so .
i'm currently in the process of looking for a second job.
on top of that ..
my fear level has risen and dropped in the past few weeks.
my lease is up soon.
and i might be making a huge mistake but mistakes are part of life.
and i must take a chance.
you can all say you told me so like last time i'm sure.
but i'm needing to write this out.
i may be a hopeless romantic and try to see the best in people.
but i'm moving in with joshua.
my lease is up at the end of august and we are moving in together .
i was terrified but my panic has been eased.
and things feel much better.
he's brilliant..and i hope i continue to see that in him.
there is love between us and hope i haven't had hope like that in quite some time.
so to see it again is a wonderful thing .
and as i bang this words out on this keyboard i'm realizing more and more .
that i'm happier than i have been in quite some time.
so .
my mother and stepfather know about this and not much else.
i still need to tell my father but i'm dreading that just a bit.
because we don't talk about much as it is.
and well.
i hate to hear his opinion i'm much more of the type to just go with something
take forever to a couple of seconds to make my decision and then tell everyone else about it and let them make up their minds about it.
i'm not sure what this says about me but yeah.
i've been reading a book on codependence and its been helping as well.
makes me realize its okay to feel certain things.
so this rant which didn't start out as a rant but is feeling more and more like one.
well .
yeah.
also .
i will be seeing death cab in august and as the date approaches i'm more and more excited.
so i will take tons of photos and make sure to post them.
-m
p.s. i have to keep reminding myself to call my mother.
it shouldn't be that way.
i must stay active in my personal relationships and not become enclosed in just myself.
also i must begin to crochet again i miss that.

life over here in chicago is going well.
i have a boyfriend who loves me .
and i'm going to meet his family this weekend which will be interesting enough.
my loans are coming in but it shouldn't be anything i can't handle.
i'm currently the pastry chef at the place i'm at .
want to look for another side part time job just to dip my feet into .
there are issues here and there but nothing to serious yet.
i miss my grandmother constantly.
its hard when i think about her and get photos but i couldn't be there.
my mom isn't well right now but we won't know more until a couple of weeks .
so id rather not go into it to much.
until then.
i bought death cab for cutie tickets so i'll be going to that in august.
the weather out here is the most bizarre thing i've seen in quite sometime.
but i'm sure that can't be helped.
so i'm going into work in a few and i'll be making.
faccacia
cheesecake
dehydrating more cookies
lots of ice cream.
and plenty more probably first the ice cream though.
we've become really low on the ice cream.
should be fine though i doubt we have many people on tonight.
i have to start photographing my desserts more though.
we also get watermelon in today which is exciting.
i just dont know what to do with it yet.
i should suggest the grilled version of that but i mean.
thats probably not what he wants.
fuck i'm annoyed but i'll vent later don't really have time for it now.

girls.

so i'm back.
and life was good in california well sorta not really but lets see.
so i got to go to the beach for a couple of hours with was awesome.
but the whole time my cousin was giving me a hard time.
like come on lets go its getting warm i just wanted to lay out for two hours. just fucking relax..
not so much i get it though i mean he lives there and stuff.
he's growing up so fast though.
but some things about him kept kind of driving me crazy.
he's incredibly judgmental and critical.. and he's only seventeen.
he refuses to try new things and thinks hermosa is the best place in the world to live.
but i don't get it.
i mean he's never lived anywhere else so how could he know and i tried to explain that to him but he wasn't having it.
also he chooses to call my brother his big brother.
which drives me a little crazy.
i mean .
he hasn't seen him in like fuck at least 10 years and he acts like he still lives with him.
poor kid.
anyways the funeral.
a whole issue itself.
there was nothing really planned no one really said anything.
we got on a boat that my aunt rented with a bunch of family members that i haven't seen since i was super young.
and they all commented on my blue hair.
we worked our way out on to the open water.
and turned off the engine ..
swaying there back and forth my uncle started to speak but trailed off a bit.
it became painstakingly clear that no one planned any of this.
my aunt tried speaking shortly after then in the middle of it my grandfather just was like goodbye jean. and tossed her ashes over i was there with my brother he held me while we both sobbed.
i couldn't take it.
we tossed a dozen roses in the ocean and that was it.
the whole thing took less than ten minutes and they had months to plan this out..
if i had the chance yes i would of said something.
no one else was given the opportunity.
and so i just was so angry and then hurt i didn't want to leave her out there the water was cold and murky.
i wanted her someplace wherei could visit her.
but i know thats not what she wanted.
and i tried to bite my tongue and not be selfish.
but it was difficult afterward we made our way back to the shore and headed to my grandmother's brother's house danny.
it was much smaller than i remember..
but it was similar to what i remember.
kids running around all over the place.
music singing.
i missed it.
i made a point of telling my cousin and my brother on seperate occasions that its up to us next keeping the family together..
thats probably gonna be really difficult considering i'm in chicago andrew is in seattle and brett is in hermosa beach.
but i dunno.
thinking about it now makes me miss my family even more.
graduation was fine.
i had missed people and was thankful to not see certain people there.
but i guess that's a whole different thing,
either way.
i want to head back in december.
i hope i can.
-M

craziest night last night ever.
i ended up having to work all night because yo didn't come in.
and that sucked but whatever nine hours overtime.
so afterwork we headed over to dugans a local bar.
and i had my first irish car bomb..
chocolate milk so delicious.
anyways scary shit.
some one got really upset and stuck a french fry up someone elses nose and well.
a bloody nose occured.
which kept going and going.
it was a bit scary.
i wanted to cry for her guy came back well it was bizarre the whole night really.
i'm coming home on wednesday.
and its going to be awesome.
i need to call my father.
and talk to him.
though i'm not sure i want to.
but yeah.
get to hang out with my cousin.
then the next day.
memorial service.
makes me wanna cry.
but what are you gonna do you know?.
-m

four winds

life sucks currently and not really sucks but just not what i want or wanted or any of that.
ugh.
blows.
i'm stressing because i need to get home and it might not happen.
and and i'm stressing because this thing with josh is moving really fast.
and i don't know what to do with that.
i'm in a really awkward position.
and i hate it .
either way i'm going to myopic books right now wanna get something on raw food help me understand it better.
and also probably another vegan something or italian love italian then over to urban to make an impulse purchase check out the sale racks.
other than that who knows maybe reckless.
reckless is like the weakass version of amoeba here where its pretty nice but nowhere near as huge ..wait you know
bad comparision really its more like rhino.
definately rhino..
but i saw pete yorn at rhino.
but then again i saw tim kasher at reckless
so
they are equal in my eyes no good no bad just not enough selection.
either way.
i need to call my brother .
and then call my aunt till her the deal.
and see if all fails that i can just plan to go back home in a month or so .
rather then next week
if we can just hold the ticket for another date you know?.
when things are more settled i'm gonna hate everything so much though if i can't get home next week.
tears will be shed .
-M

party?

so i saw alejandro on the bus this morning
fml.
a small awkward smile came from him while i just looked at him and walked toward the back..
FML.
i hate that feeling the whole time onthe bus i couldn't concentrate.
just fucking flashes of how much i hated that small period in my life came rushing back..
FML.
i'm so happy to be in the position that i'm in right now.
and also.
i have been seeing that guy josh .
i'm starting to think i should cool it with him.
just slightly.
i don't want anything to happen like it happened with alejandro.
so.
we'll see.

bang bang

fuck this is gonna be really fucking close.
my social is coming hopefully monday..
tuesday i will head to dmv..
i hate this i hate how close this is
i'm not that person who waits till the last minute the stress is killing me.
ugh.
either way.
day off today not exactly sure what to do with the rest of it.
i did get a new tattoo.
i'd like to show it to you but i'm not gonna take my sweater off in the middle of a starbucks. so i'll give you a link.
or well.
the photo the artist took when he finished.

what do you think?.
its on my ribs which was a bitch.
and i ended up giving myself a bruise on my arm. because i needed something to bite down on.
but then when i put on my music i was fine.
either way wish me luck..
with that luck i will try to make it home in exactly two weeks.
fuck i hope this works
-M

work

waiting outside of work right now.
watching one of my shows at a starbucks.
i had forgotten it was the season finale.
as soon as i get in it will be ..
feet hit the ground running.
i'm starting to really love that saying.
it makes me think that i shouldn't stop prepping until its all done.
and that makes me even happier.
to see my prep list and have it be completley marked off this are coming together really well.
my brunch menu desserts as of right now are.
butterscotch pudding.
chocolate peanutbutter pie.
cinnamon rolls
and banana chocolate chip and blueberry muffins.
in romantic news.
i've been dating this guy i've been working with .
and in a bit of a drunken haze last night with some prompting
i talked to him about where this was going .
and i decided more we decided that we should see where this is gonna go.
he was completely cool with letting me still be single and just making it casual but he also said.
that yes he wanted to be exclusive.
so i'm gonna stop dating other people to see where this could go.
its weird because in that drunken haze last night talking to rheanna i was talking about .
how i want to leave eventually and move around and ultimately settle in southern california.
and how i want a bunch of kids .
and a farm and live that kind of life.
because it sounds ideally beautiful to me .
i only shared part of this dream with this guy.
ive told him about the farm before but that was in passing.
and i've told him more about moving around and he shares this interest .
moving and not necessarily having any ties to chicago. other than his family of course.
so we will see where this turns up until then.
i'm out.
-M

green eye'd boy

my card came in today finally i'll be going to the social security office tomorrow to get a new card for that.
and then after that boom i'll be getting an illinois i.d.
so since my card came in and well since the fact that i did 62 hours this past week
i needed some retail therapy .
insert 250 dollar bill from urban outfitters.
i was up on money for the mere fact that i hadn't spent any in weeks.
so i don't feel to bad about it.
actually feels kind of nice.
that and i have another pay check coming in on friday.
and that one will have 33 hours of overtime attached to it.
i mean.
that is pretty much my rent check just for over time which is insane.
and although i'm like super tired and my legs feel like they are going to give out at any moment.
i love what i'm doing .
and i have to use that as my mantra because otherwise i might forget and just give in to the pain and anguish that is working at a restaurant and just all around working in this industry.
...
so i have to create a new gluten free dessert and i'm thinking this peanut butter and chocolate pie with a gluten free crust.
and not only that but i have to create brunch desserts because i hate the fact that brunch kills through my desserts..
so .
what i'm thinking
scones.
muffins.
and now if i can i'd like to do doughnuts
and cinnamon rolls.
this is my project for the next weekend..
so i'll be working on it all week.
possibly going in early and such .
other things for this week..
need to dye my hair again.
it is fading way to fast so i must rebleach.
laundry.
and lets see.
i'm meeting up with this guy milos because well i sorta promised .
all this work has taken a toll on my personal life.
i've started developing something with this guy from work.
i mentioned it on here before i know .
but i mean we see eachother quite a bit.
and well he's an awesomely if not older and strange guy..
and i don't hesitate to tell him so.
either way .
that is whats going on in my life right now.
so while you read please enjoy haley bonar because she is awesome.

blue bird

could you be my dream i could have you every night and if by morning i've forgotten you well no big deal that'd be alright because you're the reoccuring kind.
you never really leave my mind..
i've been thinking of that line more and more.
wondering about things like love and relationships..
i guess it doesn't help that it came on last night while i was walking home with josh.
that went well.
i mean we didn't do much last night he got me stoned said it would help...
it did..
i think..
i'm almost better at this point still having coughing fits.
but nothing to immediately life threatening ..
in fact the fact that i'm almost back to healthy is a daunting thing .
because i have to push myself really hard tomorrow.
120 mini terrines and then.
i have to make more regular terrines as well as doing more apple pie and probably.
more pear but i'm not entire sure on the recipe for the poached pear so that could be bad as well.
......
update: PLEASE LET MONDAY COME SOON.
need day off.'
but this morning is quite nice as well.

silver lining.

its strange when you allow yourself to be seen by someone who doesn't know you that well.
yesterday.
i was sick i still am but yesterday was the worst of it.
cold sweats, fever, shaking, coughing to no end.
and i allowed myself to be taken care of.
and i kept thanking him and just saying i was surprised its been a while since i've been treated like that.
he wrapped me up and healed me.
at least to acertain degree.
and i was grateful.
and it made me look at him differently.
and i hope this isn't just the lack of affection lately thats talkin or like
florence nightengale syndrome.
but it was nice to be cared for is all i mean.
-M

code BLUE!!

dead on the inside and outside.
feet are falling off ..
my brain is lost in oblivion ..
and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow.
well technically i probably have to get up at like 6:30.
fml.
and i love it.
just wish i didn't get so much shit talked about me.
and even more so .
i wish i didn't care .

a kiss with a fist is better than none

need to dye hair blue.
need to stop fucking around.
maybe some laundry today maybe not.
a little lost when i have my days off.
always unsure what to do with myself.
i hate not having internet
but i guess its the push that makes me leave the house.
so the plan.
get bank card.
get social security card.
get illinois i.d.
get the fuck out of illinois for a week.
come back shut it down
figure out what i'm going to do with myself next.
-M
(disclaimer: there was absolutely no effort in the making of this entry please forgive)

marathon

strange things are afoot
so i heard from a reliable source that i may be getting fired..
eventually.
which seems completely bizarre to me.
because i'm getting promoted and i got a raise.
so this leads me to think that either when things are more settled they want someone who is more experienced or well i don't know what other sort of explanation there is .
basically someone was kind of floating around the kitchen.
and heard our new head chef saying well what do we do about marissa.
should i keep her on?.
they can't afford to lose me right now just based on the pure lack of people working in the back of house.
and truthfully if they wanted to find a person with more experience i can't imagine this person would actually work there for the price that they would be able to pay them.
i don't know either way.
i'm guessing i have a couple of months if this is all true.
so i know i'll be fine but still i worry.
and i'm a quiet person in general.
but they don't treat me like i know anything or with any sort of respect whatsoever.
i'm a kid who just got out of culinary school to them.
which i am of course.
but still.
they have no interest in teaching me anything if they are tasting something they never offer it to me never ask any sort of opinions and im not an intrusive person so i'm not gonna correct them or put my face in what they are doing if this makes me a bad person or a bad chef in training i don' tknow .
i'm gonna have a conversation with bj.
and ask him just basically what he expects from me what i can do to be better
and general stuff not trying to overly bearing or hinting that i heard anything.
everyday they talk shit about adam.
and it drives me nuts i mean i know he fucked up.
but i also know he wore himself thin there and just lived at that restaurant and he wouldn't put out food that he thought was bad.
every item he put out was gorgeous and tasted amazing.
and all that is heard or remembered is that he was late
and a drunk.
he was my chef my first chef i've ever worked for.
i looked up to him even if i shouldn't have.
and he's told me several times that i remind him of the person he was when he was younger.
this wide eyed optimism and hope and wanting to be better but being a tad standoff ish.
not feeling comfortable or normal in any sense of the word.
having a strong connection to the artistic qualities in things rather than the logical.
i have a bunch more stuff to make soon.
i'm working on finding a vegan flatbread recipe.
i'd love to make naan bread that wouldbe the shit.
so i'll just focus on my work right now and hope not to be blindsided.
-M

i know the quality of this video isnt' the best
but its a great song and i love the band.
i'm excited for this new opportunity.
i am getting a raise.
but only slightly
and i asked about the opportunity of getting another one.
and they said it was a possibility.
and i want that i want to be amazing and i want it to work.
and so i'll hold my breath but not to long i assure you.
i feel like maybe i do get distracted.
but i do get shit done.
you know?.
andi may not be the most organized of people.
but you tell me to do something and i will do it.
almost exactly how i was showed,
and if i have three people showing me how to do something
well things can get askewed.
and thats when it blows.
but what can i do.
if you don't talk to me i don't know.
and i'm excited about where i'm headed
but i wanted so bad to reach the hotline.
fuck it all.
i'm gonna do what i can and be the best i can at what i do.
take criticism well.
and not allow myself to be yelled at for no reason.
i'll get through all of this and i'll survive.
and if i don't i'll go home.
or i won't
i'll go somewhere else.
i'm so new
and i just want the experience
its hard finding your own voice
my head thinks a certain way where i think i'm very suited for pastries.
maybe i should of gone into that to begin with
-M.
p.s.
can't wait to go home for a while.
countdown 53 days till i'm home

giving up the gun

i'm at starbucks right now
daily indulgences get me through
the next two weeks are going to be very intersting..
i got a piece the other day.
its a cute turtle pipe.
a little awkward to hold but i find it adorable.
i named it after my friend ayaka back home because she is a huge stoner.
so my turtle is named naomi its her middle name.
it was funny i could tell my roommate wanted some but i figured he would be a square for some reason.
but he kept lingering and i was like ..man i knew it.
lol
and so he smoked with me and my friend.
and after a few hits he abruptly gets up and goes and takes a bath.
and i'm like wtf.
um okay
and then he gets out changes and runs down to the local liquor store
i'm tripping at how active he is.
and when he gets back.
i'm like what you didn't get anything?
and i find out he ate whatever he got on the way back
lol.
wow .
thats just me cracking up

all to all

this promotion is coming and everyone seems very happy for me
and i mean i can tell its true that they are.
but its not something that i ever wanted.
at least i didn't think i wanted it.
and i'm nervous that i won't be able to do it right
and at the same time.
i'm super annoyed that like i'm getting this position
but at the same time.
the other pastry chef who's leaving is gonna create another dessert to put on the menu before she goes.
and i'm kind of like
wtf.
if i'm getting this position let me try it out.
but alas .
my concerns are not brought to light.
because i am scared and the fear takes hold and prevents me from saying what i think.
i've been in a bit of a daze lately .
work has been cancelled for the past couple of days.
due to flooding and sewage becoming backed up.
its pretty gross.
i'm glad its finally almost over
i work tomorrow and i know my next pay checkis gonna be short which makes me sad.
but i'll deal.. like always.
-M

it will of been my grandmothers birthday tomorrow.
its funny to miss someone so much that you haven't seen in a while.
and just to never have the ability to see her again makes it worse.
and i still haven't had time to really grieve because everytime i think of her.
and the memories she gave me i just sorta get really sad and start thinking of something else
or throwing myself into work
which never really helps i know.
but i don't want to think about it.
the fact that whatever children i have will never know how amazing of a person she was.
or that she suffered for so long.
and was so bitter and angry
but so loving at the same time.
she would have done anything for my brother, cousin and i .
anything.
.....
other stuff.
my father invited my brother with him to hawaii.
i know that it will be awkward but at the same time.
i never got that.
and i lived with him for all my life.
and i'm happy that my brother let go of a good amount of his anger.
but i still have problems.
with my father and mother
my brothers biggest thing was that our father chose a woman over him.
and the truth was he did it to me to.
but he did it to me everyday.
and i wonder why ive become so emotionally starved and void and
crazed for affection.
my grandpa said where am i staying when i come out ?.
and i said at home of course.
and he says oh with your dad.
and i'm like fuck
fuck
fuck.
this is the second time.
apparently i am void of a home as well now.
my dad apparently referred to it as not my home either.
so i'll call up my mom or something
not that he wouldn't let me stay there just that .
its so weird.
my dad even bragged about how his electricity bill went down 25 dollars.
yeah that makes me feel a ton better dad.
while i'm out here on my own all alone.
i'm glad you saved money.
his number one priority was never his children and it never will be.
i just hope he never becomes a father again.
he fools around with these young women because he says they don't expect anything
but i mean.
they do they just smart enough to not say anything yet.
good luck dad.
-M

so my grandfather called me.
and asked me about when i can get off next.
so i think its gonna be
i'll be home in may and april.
which means i really gotta save up some money.
two trips back home.
whoa.
so late april i'm imagining its only gonna be a couple of days.
3 at most.
and in late may i'm hoping for four or five.
-M

so i'm feeling like angry girl rock today
though this band only has one girl singer.
the news is.
that i made pastry chef at teh restaurant.
which is gonna be tough coming up with new things to put on the menu but i'm excited
like crazy excited
and karolina the current pastry chef is gonna trade me for the next two weeks.
so all this means is we are going to get some new blood in the kitchen.
which is excited because i will no longer be the scrub ..
go me.

sometime around midnight

whenever i hear there music it puts me back in l.a.
i guess its because they are from there and it comes out in there music
let me know if you hear it to?.
♥

got high last night.
needed it after all this shit in my life just came down on me.
my step dad is in the hospital.
my head chef is leaving if not getting fired.
and back again to work today.

new band introduced to me by a new person.
life at work is stressful
must hit the ground running today.

fools rush in

i know many people disagree
but i think zooey is a dream.

cannibal queen

i couldn't be more in love with telekinesis right now.

music helps me find solace and i've realized
that i need to find healthier outlets for my frustrations.
so.
i will be looking for that.
-m

the gentlest gentleman.

i have an incredible amount of apathy right now.
i just feel like i've given all i've had .
and well there isn't much left.
i'll most likely get my second wind soon.
but i can't shake this depression that is taking hold of me.
i got to the point recently where i was just like please i just want everything to get better or i just want to go home.
i'm doing my best to stick it out.
but i still suck at finding my optimism .
that thing i used to hold in such high regard now just annoys me.
and i wonder where it went.
either way .
i'm trying my best to pull myself back up on my feet.
we will see how that works out.
chris said some mean things.
which he apologized later for but either way.
i don't know .
i just can't shake that rejected feeling .
so i'm gonna stop trying and just let myself be for a while.
i'm hoping this will heal myself.
from all this bullshit i've been dealing with lately.
-m

big wave

whenever i listen to
the jenny and johnny album.
i always always miss home.
the album quite a few of jenny's stuff even just embodies southern california
or at least in my opinion.
so
they are going to be holding a memorial service sometime either.
in april.
or in may when i come back home.
the plan is as of now.
that we are going to rent a boat and scatter her ashes in the ocean.
i hate that i won't have a particular place to go and visit her.
but its what she always wanted
she hated the idea of being in a box.
i called my dad yesterday and i told him about losing my wallet
he faxed me my birth certificate this morning hopefully its waiting in the office at work by the time i get there.
my aunt that lives with my grandparents
or my grandfather now rather.
well.
grandpa thinks she tried to kill herself.
but my father just thinks shes a drug addict.
who over self medicates.
either way isn't good .
they want to put her in a home.
shes caused trouble always and instigates fights with everyone.
she can say the nastiest mean things.
drives everyone away and has no regard for anyone.
i don't know whats going to happen
they always say that death or new life bring a family closer together
but i just see this pushing us further apart.
i feel so tired and lost.
-m

make a plan to love me

florence + the machine

born this way

holy fucking shit.
a bit to much
she looks beautiful as always but a bit to much.
so i called the bank they will be sending me out a new card within the week.
and i am going to continue searching for my wallet.
wish me luck
-m

sex reminds her of eating spaghetti

so there is abunch of shit going on inmy life.
you know how bad things happen in threes?.
well i'm on two right now hopefully three will be insignificant enough that i wont notice it.
i lost my wallet.
left it in a cab .
i was drunk at the time so i can't remember the cab number or anything like that.
so now.
i'm scrambling.
i need to cancel my bank card so hopefully they will send me another one.
and with that hopefully i can geta new i.d. card.and from there i dunno we will. see.
just talking about it.
i can feel my stress level rising.
my whole body gets shaky and scared and nervous.
i'll be able to handle this.
but i need to get passed the fear of it all.
and come at a standing of an adult.
i don't have anyone here to help me.
so i have to figure out my shit.

mountains beyond mountains

so my grandmother passed away.
i'm trying really hard not think about the impact she had on my life
because if i do i start crying and getting emotional so i'm throwing myself into work and strong arms .
and this song though not necessarily relevant is as beautiful as she was.
and i'll do my best to make her proud.
-M

let it sway

the cults-go outside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHhEBqRTXdk&feature=related
so it wont let me post the video today which could be a problem if this persists.
but today.
is a song new to me really but i love it already.
so happy and pop-ey.
and it makes me want to motivate myself to actually go outside and just be.
i love how music can alter moods.
-M

so

i wanna post more on here .
so i've decided to do a project where.
i'll try to post some music on here of what i'm listening to
so my mood is conveyed or you know
songs of the day..
so today.
and i will tell the story of this.


this song .
is called
no children by the mountain goats.
ive listened to it dozens of times.
not necessarily because its my favorite or anything like that .
and while i do have a new found love for the mountain goats that isn't it either.
the thing is .
chef loves them but never really had any complete albums just mixes
so we would listen to this song in the kitchen fucking over and over and over again..
and i mean its amazing.
but i think he's the type of guy if i hung out with.
he could either show me some amazing music or completely kill some bands for me.
either way enjoy!.
-M

so i vented to chris last night.
i really didn't want to since that means i'm letting him in even more so.
but the point isn't the boy its the emotions i'm feeling.
not about him but in general.
i was on the bus yesterday and i was listening to up the wolves by the mountain goats.
and i started thinking again about my childhood.
why is it the moment i move out on my own and i'm living for myself that all these memories start haunting me.?.
i had this incredibly strong urge to call up my step father and thank him.
thank him for always being there and never tying me up to a door or bed like my mom's fiance before him did.
and i just have so much anger inside of me.
and its one of those things where its like
if i express it whats the worst that can happen?.
but my brain doesn't work that way it doesn't think of the actual consequence but the idea that all life will stop if i disobey what is acceptable.
i hate that i work that way.
i need to let go more.
i am a giant ball of stress and anxiety.
and i hate it.
i hate being so fucking weird. and quiet.
-m

" it's a lovely idea you know that you're captaining a ship and you hear the song of the siren in the rocks and you know that to turn your ship towards the rocks is very dangerous but the heart says "fuck the rocks" the head says "but we'll all die" the heart says "poetically"- glen hansard

V-day

my hands look like i've massacred people.
we did a valentines weekend which will continue tonight.
and i worked with various red items like blood oranges, pomegranates, and beets.
so yeah my hands are worn down to shit.
which i rather enjoy though i mean .
i don't love the look of them.
but i do love that they look unique and it gives them character
so i have no plans with any sweetheart tonight.
and i don't plan on it.
but work is well.
its alexi's last real night tonight which should be interesting.
i think they are all going out for booze but i kind of feel like passing.
but will probably get sucked into going
meh.
so my official grad date is something like
may 21 ..
so will try to be out for a few days maybe like a long weekend.
and things i wanna do when i get home.
hmmm.
-visit mama and eduardo
-hit up homies and get a bit drunk.
-go to actual graduation
-IN-N-OUT!!!!
-maybe beach.. (i never went often enough back home but now i really miss it)
-Pinks would be nice.
-and hitting up the troubadour would be nice.
either way as marcella puts it .
it would be a time to rage..
-m
any other ideas on what to do when i'm out there?.

at the laundrymat right now.
took a bit of a walk to get here but that's only because of the snow..
so happy to finally have clean clothes well at least almost clean they aren't done yet.
i'll have to come here in the middle of the night though..
i mean
30 percent off of all the machines between midnight and 5
sounds good.
things are going well with work.
but my head chef.
well.
he's not as involved with everyone as he should be.
i mean.
i ask the sous chef something and its like
huh?.
i dunno.
and i'm like wtf.
chef should tell sous everything so that sous can tell us .
thats the chain of command.
instead who knows wtf chef is doing half the time he doesn't tell anyone .
and god only knows wtf happened on sunday night.
because when we came in.
the rice cooker was gone
everything was in shambles
no prep lists were made
and no produce order was put in .
i mean wtf.
i don't know whats gonna happen but shit is gonna get crazy in the next couple of days.
with valentines day coming up i mean..
we have special menus that start being served on friday and we still don't know the menus,,
ugh
-M

so my purple hair is growing on me while i continue to ruin towels
and i have another date with chris coming up.
and while i adore the boy.
i plan on going out for coffee with a new boy named kyle..
i'm trying really hard not to get attached to soon.
so .
there is that.
work was harsh yesterday but completely needed.
i mean.
10 hours.
it felt so long.
my station is completely fucked as far me understanding it right now.
everything is so new.
and it sucks .
i mean it works but it sucks and i hate that i'm so short that i have to strain everytime to reach my shit.
so i'm running low on clean stuff.
i feel like i never appreaciated the washer and dryer i had back home
because now i realize how incredibly useful it was.
so i'm feeling like a dirty punk indie rock nerd..
drinking at night
dying my hair crazy colors.
stomping through snow in my docs.
living on my own.
spending far to much time and money on what i listen to rather than what i need
i guess this is the life i always wanted but was to afraid to have.
so i think i'm gonna go and get myself an illinois id card..
i think its time especially since i hate getting the look like my california one is fake everytime they see it.
like..
hmmmm
and then they let me in.
so rediculous.
anways i'm off to work in a little while hopefully today goes better than yesterday.
-m

lusting lavander

that is the official color of my new hair..
not to bad huh?..
i sorta dyed my forehead a couple of times.
so the story for today ..
i went to work and got about a block away when i get a text from my head chef telling me to take the day off.
FUCK...lol
wtf do i do with myself now?.
so i hung out at starbucks with the wifi
enjoying myself.
and then headed to see my blue valentine in lakeview
i'll while holding my breath praying i don't run into alejandro which i mean the odds were so fuckign slim
but thats the last thing i would want.
so i watched blue valentine and was torn apart inside
i mean i enjoyed the film and all..
but it was difficult..
because it brought back these memories i haven't thought of in years ..
of my father and mother together.. fighting throwing things arguing
and living through that .
its strange because when i was around the two of them i never thought about it .
but being here on my own..
i think about how it affected me quite often.
so i head out of the theatre practically in tears because this imagery is all in my head.
and i mean i was laughing at things right outside of the theatre though..
i mean..
the movie really effected me..
and i heard these other girls talking on my way to the bathroom saying something like.
"well i really liked ryan goslings giving tree tattoo in the movie"..
and i'm like
really?.
really?
thats what you are thinking about right now..
btw
if you haven't heard of this then you should have.
http://fuckyeahryangosling.tumblr.com/
its hilarious .
but still.
so i walk out take my buses toward home but after the first its freezing bus isnt' coming yet .
so i take some time walking about wallgreens
just really not knowing what i'm looking for.
reach for some eggs but every carton has broken ones.
so i leave it alone.
look for blank cds they don't have any.
so i just start walking down the aisles not sure what i'm looking for .
end up down the hair products see a box of lusting lavander and i can't help myself
especially since it comes with its own pack of peroxide and bleach..
i know what i'm doing when i get home!.
so i buy it and while on my second bus ride i'm contemplating food.
i'm starving haven't eaten any thing all day.
and so i head over to papa johns.
the only place that is super close to me and open even though it looks liek shit outside.
so i head in and end up having an organic kidn of cool conversation
with this random girl.
named stephanie
from new york who is pretty awesome.
and even while walking home i'm like
whoa.. how was i capable of that without scaring this girl away..
imean a girl i was able to have a conversation with and not repulse her.
that is rare..
so we exchanged names numbers with the promise of texing and hanging out
i made a potential friend
OMG.
i am so happy about it.
so i go home .
gorge myself..
then spend the next three hours or less ..
dying my hair.
which came quite awesome.
so yeah
bed time almost three and i'm still not asleep very bad news..
hope you enjoy the hair
-M

the snow here is unbearable
we got like 20 inches 3rd worst snowstorm in chicago history.

on top of that when it was crazy as balls outside there was also thunder and lightening..

apparently that is a rarity..

i wouldnt know..

my california blood is starting to curl at the thought of going outside..

i don't mind the snow but i mean this is a bit to much..

so most likely i will have work today but there is that chance..

so i've been out to cicero twice already..
visiting chris..
i met his friends and mother yesterday..
i find myself telling him things that i'm not sure if i should.
i don't want his perception of me to change but also i don't want him to have a specific perception of me in general.
all i know right now is that i do love spending time with him.
and i love talking to him.
*******
so i'm getting sick.
just discovered it this morning.
woke up and one of my tonsils was grossly larger than the other..
so time to step up getting better into overdrive.
*******
so my brother flew out to see my grandmother..
i don't think i wrote about this here.
but shes been sick for a while now and they've/she's decided that
she's going to go on hospice, which means they won''t give her any more blood.
which means she has about a week.
it's hard when i tell someone and they are like.. well are you going to go home?.
and i mean i would love to but i can't..
and i spoke to my mother.
and some of the things she said drove me a little nuts and i know she's only trying to help.
she told me to pray for her.
i really don't want to pray i want to be closer and i can't
she told me that she was a good grandmother and she loved me.
and i say she loves me she not dead yet and she was the best grandmother i could of ever asked for.
and what i didn't say which i felt like saying .
was she was there when you weren't she took care of us while you were off doing god knows what.
but i don't say that..
i bite my tongue.
and say yeah i know yeah i know.
repeating that its hard right now because i'm so far away and i'm not trying to think about it.
but its all i can think about.
so when i did speak to my grandmother .
it was immensely difficult.
especially
that as soon as she got on the phone she was crying and wailing and i didn't know what to do.
but listen
and then finally i had all these emotions running forward.
like this could be the last time i speak to her.
i have to tell her... i have to tell her.
so ..
i let go.
and told her i wouldn't be the person i am today without her and that she shaped who i was and made me so much better ...
that without her and the love and affection she surrounded me with i would be in such a mess and i just started crying and i couldnt handle it..
and i felt like crawling into a ball ..
because i have no one here.
and its so hard sometimes.
i mean i've always been somewhat alone.
when i was younger and mom was messed up and dad was a workaholic.
and then when dad and i moved out on our own and he was gone all the time.
never gave a shit about me or what i did.
i was alone..
and now i mean.
its funny its the first time i actually feel any real control over my life..
and i'm alone.. again.
so i told her how much i loved her and we said goodbye.
************
-M

the "feel good" revolution

my boots came in..
i was waiting forever for them.
so now i am the proud owner of bergundy doc martens.
that go up to mid calf.
they are awesome
but so much heavier than i'm used to.
so my feet tend to feel dragged down.
but i haven't really worn them out yet so i guess i'll have to.
and i went on another date.
this guy chris.
who is so akwardly adorable i can't breathe.
but yeah very sweet guy
can't wait to get to know him better
and he seems genuinely interested.
so we went to a show at a place called subterranean
i had some lone stars which is like the cheap beer here.
which happens to be pretty damn good.
so we did that until like
midnight when the show ended pretty good bands btw.
currier and the island of misfit toys.
thats two bands.
that i particularly liked.
then he asked if i wanted to go home yet.
i said no.
so we headed out to a bar called the whistler.
and when we got in there was a band just finishing up.
each had a beer.
so he came over.
*amri stop judging*..
and he did spend the night.
but not to much happened.
lots of cuddling and kissing
and the next morning we went out for breakfast.
****************
so i was just browsing through photos and
felt all this emotion come rising up to the surface.
like
FUCK
i miss friends from back home.
i have these people here that i'm meeting but i mean
it's all meeting people with alterior motives and lets face it i mean i have those motives to.
i just wanna meet friends
no intentions of making out or anything like that.
just people to have a drink with or talk to or go to a show with.
instead of feeling this emptiness..
ugh.
i don't know.
just venting i suppose.
-M

okay so
my laptop currently says it is 1 degree in chicago..
fucking 1 fucking degree!
wtf did i get myself into..

i can feel myself falling into a certain state of mind again.
where it's not enough
where i'm addicted to these new feelings and thats all.
wherei can't sit still.
where the word more is all i can think about ..
i wonder if i do have "addict" genes.
being on my own is lonely
and the lonliness fills me up
and i get scared and a bit desperate at times
i'm gettin past these feelings.
but i know they are there
so i have trouble sleeping
and i end up online
on these sites.
which i mean i love the connection
it feels good.
but sometimes i worry that i'm to accepting of everyone.
i mean people like marcella are so fucking critical.
and i can be happy for a while at least around anyone..
which is right?.
i mean i can find attractive qualities in almost anyone.
and i don't know.
is that a good thing or a bad thing?.
ugh.
i feel lame.
-M

sliver

so.
stayed out late last night.
went to a punk show..
though the music really didn't matter.
i met up with a guy there.
his name is gilbert.
yeah i know
a punk from alabama that no longer wears his docs or mohawk.
but keeps his Dead Kennedy's shirt handy.
we got along very well.
had a few beers went out for late night mexican food at a 24hour place.
i had a lengua torta..
so much for trying vegan this year..
i will try eventually.
he had
chorizo con huevos..
and hearing a southern boy try to speak spanish.
is beyond fun.
his voice has that really nice twang to it.
but usually not overbearing like my roomates.
he informed me of my california accent as well.
so we will see where this one goes.
it should be interesting.
works okay.
little more stressful than usual.
but its workign out well.
a coworker informed me that they were leaving and i know this is gonna send my headchef into a tizzy when they do.
and we are gonna have to deal with that.
i mean.
its worth it i mean the position offered sounds amazing.
so there is no other choice.
but
i know we are gonna get shit.
he tends to be quite passive aggressive.
and he curses quite a bit while he's upset.
and i really can handle it .
i mean he hasn't cursed at me for awhile.
'but i try my best not to get on his bad side
which ends up feeling mor elike i'm walking on eggshells.
which is a whole different thing.
i don't know.
it's interesting to say the least.
-m

cheese danish

so i haven't blogged in a while.
but it's strange because the internet has become my home..
i mean.
there is never really a time when i'm not on..
unless i'm at work..
and then it's like as soon as i get home bam i'm on the internet once again.
even today i mean.
at&t switched our internet to somethin else or something so we lost connection last night up until maybe tonight
so i left for work early and am now at starbucks.. enjoying a carmel macchiato and cheese danish.
bad i know.
it's a sick addiction ..
whats an even worse addiction.
the people i meet and talk to via..
makeoutclub, okcupid, craigslist.. yeah it doesn't end.
i wish i had an easier time meeting people in an organic setting.
but alas.
for example.
i went to a show the other day..
and i mean.
it was a great show the bands two in paticular were fucking amazing.
but i mean i was lonely the music didn't help the lonliness just enhance it .
marcella says its easy to meet people..
especially girls.
just go up to someone and be like
"omg i love your shoes"
and strike up a conversation..
but i don't exactly look or act like taht kind of person.
unless well i know you..
ugh.
so
online people..
they are the best ..my kin..
i told marcella i've been meeting people online since i was 15..
which is more than true..
maybe that's just a habit i can't break..
i mena back in the day it was aol chat rooms.
but now..
social networking sites have taken over..
but i really don't mind.
it makes the screening easier.. at least to a certain degree.
i mean i don't talk to anyone i'm not comfortable i only give my fb out to people who seem cool.
its all harmless really..
but marcella. sees it as a huge game.
she took her okcupid account and had some fun with it..
made herself into a white power girl type of person..
and well did somethin a bit bad..
some guy started messaging her.
and gave her his number so she posted it on her profile saying she was DTF *down to fuck* any time and yeah.. wow..
that is bad.
i mean love her.. guys fuck with girls a lot and i mean anyone interested in a girl for purely sinister reasons and being a racist needs to be fucked with .
but i could never do something like that..
so yeah;.
i have a few people i'm talking to online right now.
stuart is still around of course..i still adore him..
but yeah.
there is also ricky.
nerdy tattooed musician in michigan.
bethany
tattooed 18year old who wants to be a midwife and smokes a lot of pot
chris
complete introvert who i share long messages with.
about anything and everything..
so the only one that has gotten serious out of these people is stuart..
and well yeah.
i don't mind..
i mean maybe i'll meet up with bethany because she is the closest and totally adorable.
and maybe if i don't end up with a makeout buddy i'll at least end up with a friend..
though i hate that that would be the way to meet friends.
with alterior motives you know?.
but i mean she is very cute..
and a complete nerd as well.
talks about how she want a tattoo of middle earth..
things are going well at work

talk of a promotion of sorts..
not a real promotion but a raise and more responsibility..
which i am excited about..
i mean .
what if i become the pastry chef at this restaurant.
i mean.
that's really fucking exciting
and i'm at a point in my life where i do want to be on the hot line.
but really i'll take what i can get because i'm so new..
the only problem with this is that..
like karolina.. i won't have anyone to look up to.
this will require me to really be creative myself. and explore what i can do and what facets i have inside of me.. to either create something new or just hone my skills when it comes to baking and pastries..
which excites me to no end..
so yeah..
-M
p.s. i need to learn how to make vegan pastries like cheese danishes and such..
especially since we have vegan cream cheese at work i mean fuck cheese danishes are fuckign awesome..

i'm dealing with the fact currently that
some relationships..
not necessarily couples.
are destined to be short sweet trysts..
and not commitments..
FUCK this feeling blows.

"stay out of trouble, stay in touch, try not to think about me too much".

why can't i shake this somber mood?.

i have a feeling that i'm gonna end up crying a bit on thursday..

not to much but just enough.

-m

life is bittersweet isnt it?.

well..

i knew he was only on break from school and now he's going back to finish up and then who knows.

it hurt..

a lot more than i thought it would ..

i didn't expect to get attached especially so quickly but i can't deny the connection

especially after the feeling of being used for quite a while it was nice to have that connection

someone who actually gets you.

i hope i get to continue seeing him.

even if only once in a while.

my heart aches.

-m

New Years Resolution.(s)

*to do my best not stress out about my body and weight and all that jazz.
*to explore the city more
*to visit home at least twice
*to make the place i'm staying now a home
*achieve line cook status
*to be smarter about love and the men i date
*make the transfer to vegan
*create starter/make more breads
*get back into the things i love that aren't cooking *crocheting, sewing, drawing*
*make actual friends and go out
*take better care of myself


this is all i have so far i'll add more if i need to.