big wave

whenever i listen to
the jenny and johnny album.
i always always miss home.
the album quite a few of jenny's stuff even just embodies southern california
or at least in my opinion.
so
they are going to be holding a memorial service sometime either.
in april.
or in may when i come back home.
the plan is as of now.
that we are going to rent a boat and scatter her ashes in the ocean.
i hate that i won't have a particular place to go and visit her.
but its what she always wanted
she hated the idea of being in a box.
i called my dad yesterday and i told him about losing my wallet
he faxed me my birth certificate this morning hopefully its waiting in the office at work by the time i get there.
my aunt that lives with my grandparents
or my grandfather now rather.
well.
grandpa thinks she tried to kill herself.
but my father just thinks shes a drug addict.
who over self medicates.
either way isn't good .
they want to put her in a home.
shes caused trouble always and instigates fights with everyone.
she can say the nastiest mean things.
drives everyone away and has no regard for anyone.
i don't know whats going to happen
they always say that death or new life bring a family closer together
but i just see this pushing us further apart.
i feel so tired and lost.
-m