the snow here is unbearable
we got like 20 inches 3rd worst snowstorm in chicago history.

on top of that when it was crazy as balls outside there was also thunder and lightening..

apparently that is a rarity..

i wouldnt know..

my california blood is starting to curl at the thought of going outside..

i don't mind the snow but i mean this is a bit to much..

so most likely i will have work today but there is that chance..

so i've been out to cicero twice already..
visiting chris..
i met his friends and mother yesterday..
i find myself telling him things that i'm not sure if i should.
i don't want his perception of me to change but also i don't want him to have a specific perception of me in general.
all i know right now is that i do love spending time with him.
and i love talking to him.
*******
so i'm getting sick.
just discovered it this morning.
woke up and one of my tonsils was grossly larger than the other..
so time to step up getting better into overdrive.
*******
so my brother flew out to see my grandmother..
i don't think i wrote about this here.
but shes been sick for a while now and they've/she's decided that
she's going to go on hospice, which means they won''t give her any more blood.
which means she has about a week.
it's hard when i tell someone and they are like.. well are you going to go home?.
and i mean i would love to but i can't..
and i spoke to my mother.
and some of the things she said drove me a little nuts and i know she's only trying to help.
she told me to pray for her.
i really don't want to pray i want to be closer and i can't
she told me that she was a good grandmother and she loved me.
and i say she loves me she not dead yet and she was the best grandmother i could of ever asked for.
and what i didn't say which i felt like saying .
was she was there when you weren't she took care of us while you were off doing god knows what.
but i don't say that..
i bite my tongue.
and say yeah i know yeah i know.
repeating that its hard right now because i'm so far away and i'm not trying to think about it.
but its all i can think about.
so when i did speak to my grandmother .
it was immensely difficult.
especially
that as soon as she got on the phone she was crying and wailing and i didn't know what to do.
but listen
and then finally i had all these emotions running forward.
like this could be the last time i speak to her.
i have to tell her... i have to tell her.
so ..
i let go.
and told her i wouldn't be the person i am today without her and that she shaped who i was and made me so much better ...
that without her and the love and affection she surrounded me with i would be in such a mess and i just started crying and i couldnt handle it..
and i felt like crawling into a ball ..
because i have no one here.
and its so hard sometimes.
i mean i've always been somewhat alone.
when i was younger and mom was messed up and dad was a workaholic.
and then when dad and i moved out on our own and he was gone all the time.
never gave a shit about me or what i did.
i was alone..
and now i mean.
its funny its the first time i actually feel any real control over my life..
and i'm alone.. again.
so i told her how much i loved her and we said goodbye.
************
-M