girls.

so i'm back.
and life was good in california well sorta not really but lets see.
so i got to go to the beach for a couple of hours with was awesome.
but the whole time my cousin was giving me a hard time.
like come on lets go its getting warm i just wanted to lay out for two hours. just fucking relax..
not so much i get it though i mean he lives there and stuff.
he's growing up so fast though.
but some things about him kept kind of driving me crazy.
he's incredibly judgmental and critical.. and he's only seventeen.
he refuses to try new things and thinks hermosa is the best place in the world to live.
but i don't get it.
i mean he's never lived anywhere else so how could he know and i tried to explain that to him but he wasn't having it.
also he chooses to call my brother his big brother.
which drives me a little crazy.
i mean .
he hasn't seen him in like fuck at least 10 years and he acts like he still lives with him.
poor kid.
anyways the funeral.
a whole issue itself.
there was nothing really planned no one really said anything.
we got on a boat that my aunt rented with a bunch of family members that i haven't seen since i was super young.
and they all commented on my blue hair.
we worked our way out on to the open water.
and turned off the engine ..
swaying there back and forth my uncle started to speak but trailed off a bit.
it became painstakingly clear that no one planned any of this.
my aunt tried speaking shortly after then in the middle of it my grandfather just was like goodbye jean. and tossed her ashes over i was there with my brother he held me while we both sobbed.
i couldn't take it.
we tossed a dozen roses in the ocean and that was it.
the whole thing took less than ten minutes and they had months to plan this out..
if i had the chance yes i would of said something.
no one else was given the opportunity.
and so i just was so angry and then hurt i didn't want to leave her out there the water was cold and murky.
i wanted her someplace wherei could visit her.
but i know thats not what she wanted.
and i tried to bite my tongue and not be selfish.
but it was difficult afterward we made our way back to the shore and headed to my grandmother's brother's house danny.
it was much smaller than i remember..
but it was similar to what i remember.
kids running around all over the place.
music singing.
i missed it.
i made a point of telling my cousin and my brother on seperate occasions that its up to us next keeping the family together..
thats probably gonna be really difficult considering i'm in chicago andrew is in seattle and brett is in hermosa beach.
but i dunno.
thinking about it now makes me miss my family even more.
graduation was fine.
i had missed people and was thankful to not see certain people there.
but i guess that's a whole different thing,
either way.
i want to head back in december.
i hope i can.
-M