it will of been my grandmothers birthday tomorrow.
its funny to miss someone so much that you haven't seen in a while.
and just to never have the ability to see her again makes it worse.
and i still haven't had time to really grieve because everytime i think of her.
and the memories she gave me i just sorta get really sad and start thinking of something else
or throwing myself into work
which never really helps i know.
but i don't want to think about it.
the fact that whatever children i have will never know how amazing of a person she was.
or that she suffered for so long.
and was so bitter and angry
but so loving at the same time.
she would have done anything for my brother, cousin and i .
anything.
.....
other stuff.
my father invited my brother with him to hawaii.
i know that it will be awkward but at the same time.
i never got that.
and i lived with him for all my life.
and i'm happy that my brother let go of a good amount of his anger.
but i still have problems.
with my father and mother
my brothers biggest thing was that our father chose a woman over him.
and the truth was he did it to me to.
but he did it to me everyday.
and i wonder why ive become so emotionally starved and void and
crazed for affection.
my grandpa said where am i staying when i come out ?.
and i said at home of course.
and he says oh with your dad.
and i'm like fuck
fuck
fuck.
this is the second time.
apparently i am void of a home as well now.
my dad apparently referred to it as not my home either.
so i'll call up my mom or something
not that he wouldn't let me stay there just that .
its so weird.
my dad even bragged about how his electricity bill went down 25 dollars.
yeah that makes me feel a ton better dad.
while i'm out here on my own all alone.
i'm glad you saved money.
his number one priority was never his children and it never will be.
i just hope he never becomes a father again.
he fools around with these young women because he says they don't expect anything
but i mean.
they do they just smart enough to not say anything yet.
good luck dad.
-M