my last post could of been about boys..
but it wasn't .
it was about family.
i went to visit my grandmother and grandfather.
i went with my aunt, uncle and cousin.
and on the way back ...all the while hating the life i was living ..
my aunt uncle, cousin and i went to eat.
and i thought this is what family could be.
and i missed it.
i wanted to be theirs.
i wanted brett to be my brother
and to have the family unit .
while slightly disfunctional is still functioning and loving.
and i wanted to die when i got home and heard my shmoozing some girl in his room to really loud music.
things will never be perfect.
if i want a better family it has to be my decision and has to start with me.
-m
p.s. i'm slowly starting to be happier with myself..
but my lack of confidence doesn't help my situation.

is it wrong to wish to be apart of something different..
or to wish to belong to someone else?.
is it wrong to want?.
-M

shit.

i'm falling for him..
way to fast..
what's a girl to do?
-m
p.s. please please please don't let me get fucked over.

heartbreak when lacking a heart.

i hung out with manuel yesterday.
probably a bad idea in hind sight.
i'll always love him.
but we tell eachother about what's going on in our love lives.
which is probably the worst thing we could tell eachother.
i told him about this new boy danny.
and he told me about courtney and robin.
and we were on the freeway.
and he told me he had hung out with courtney a week or so ago.
and that they had gone ice skating.
and i looked at him stayed quiet for about a second and then screamed out ..
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE"..
i didn't think it would hit me that hard.
but i had been wanting to go ice skating with him for the past five years..
it was always there in my head and now he makes time for it with this skanky 18 year old that just wants to be saved from her poor sad life.
yeah i'm a bitch. i know.
but it pissed me off.
not to mention taking robin to watts towers..
wtf..?.
i know we were together for quite a while but aren't there other things to do with these girls.
i'm just angry..
i don't know if i have a right to be. but i am.
it annoys me that he's treating these girls like this to.
letting one go down on him but not returning the favor..
okay.. thats more personal but wtf.
i dunno..
it feels like he's using them to a certain degree..
and he told me i was hitting below the belt when i talked about he's just trying to save us poor girls.
because i always felt it was like that for me..
that i was a project for him.
and now that's what these girls are ..
damaged, defenseless projects.
and also because i mentioned that it looked like robin was into girls.
and well his mom.is a sorta lesbian..
ok that was maybe a bit low.
but again i was angry..
*****************
i'm trying to take things slower with danny..
but.
he is coming over today.
and my dad isn't here
i'm bad, and lonely and pathetic..
and i need help.
-M

will be going to the comic book store next month on a monday or thursday just to see that nerd named chris who is absolutely adorable..
and extremely helpful.

first christmas gift.

i went out with a guy last night.
and he bought me this as a christmas gift because he knew i wanted it bad.

final.

Thank god it's over.
chef stopped me in the middle and told me i looked like i was going to throw up.
and i said no chef i'm fine..
all quiet and nervous like.
oye.
i know i didn't ace it.
stupid soup.
ugh.
stupid fish.
i feel like i kicked ass on my chicken roulade with port wine sauce.
yum.
damn fish. damn soup.
i'm thinking B..
that would be nice.
-M.

AMRI.

i cut my hair.
and i want to do a cute choppy emo cut in the back but i can't see the back and i don't want to cut the crap out of my hands and scalp with the razorblade..
help is needed
PLEASE?....
:(
-M

i met someone today.

i met a girl today..
my bad luck is she is probably straight.
but i was getting such a good vibe from her.
i dunno..
we'll see.
but i'm sure i'm in for a rude awakening.
i'm not entirely sure how to ask a girl if she's into seeing other girls without her looking at me funny..
oye.
it seems that alot of the people at the school are weirded out by that kind of thing but i don't see why. dunno.
-m

-p.s.
this is her.

she doesn't have the super cute haircut anymore.

but still..

hum.

dora makes everything better.

FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE
alone again
feel as used as ever.
kill me now.

OBSCENE PHONE CALLS ARE NEVER OKAY!!!!

She,she screams in silence.

he's over.
i'm sure now.
it will never be the way it was.
i should be happy.
at least i think i should.
but there is this huge emptiness that needs to be filled and i can't stand it.
i was listening to conor this morning and he sung a line that stuck with me.
"a heart just can't contain all of that empty space, it breaks"
i feel that.
and i feel like i'm trying to hard. but i'm unsure.
i feel incredibly sensitive anymore and bit of anything and i become unsure and paranoid.
i don't wanna be this person.
chef said in class today that i cook with nervousness and that i need to loosen up.
i believe that so much.
and i need to listen to her.
******************
i also am feeling things incredibly strong.
and i'm afraid it's to soon.
i'm not sure how to approach it.
i don't wanna seem needy or clingy
but i feel myself heading down that road.
******************
So i spoke to my mother last saturday we ended up hanging out .
it was pretty awesome most of the night i did open up to her
and i guess for her it was opening a can of worms.
she i guess didn't see it coming at all.
she also suggested i seek therapy.
FML.
i don't wanna do that.
i don't wanna be that person.
i don't think that there is anything wrong with me.
at least anything that i can't handle.
i'm trying harder and harder not to bottle things up and let them be spoken when felt.
the lonliness is harder to fix.
because i can't do much about it.
i can only talk to or call someone so much before becoming an annoyance or pain.
i'll see..
-M
p.s.
salmon today if you have a facebook check it out i'll be putting it up in a while.

he compared it to being held under water for a long time and now that i'm above i'm gasping for breath. i have to say i concur.

FML.

ugh.

i need to calm the fuck down. Freaking myself out helps nothing.
i should stop worrying about the things i can't control.
-M

me and my fucking insecurities.
i can never just let myself be.
if something happens
i have to over think over analyze over talk over everything.
i hate myself for being so weird about everything
i admire the people that can just let go and let things be
no worries..
i strive for that..
my stomach and heart are spinning.
-M.

shit i haven't posted in a while

school is going well.
a little bizarre but i am making new friends..
although learning a bunch of new names isn't easy
um..
adam
adriana
alexis
nick
carmine
allen
christy
tyler
samantha
stephany
those are all the ones that are out of class
in class there is
kevin
frank
justin
matt
bianca
and bunch others but i thought i'd just name the ones i've hung out with..
anyways
i'm so sick of baking already and i'm sick of people saying that they thought that i'd go into that..
ugh.
please don't presume to know me or who i am if we hardly speak.
reber i heard your home i'm gonna call or text or write you soon..
i miss all of zee homies.
and i know it's kind of an either/or type thing right now which sucks but i get it.
anyways.
if you don't have a facebook you should i've met some school friends via it. and posted a bunch of my culinary creations..
today i went w/manuel to legg lake to get rid of a lot of my stale baking products which was beyond fun..
other than that i'm gonna call it a day.
-M

bizarre foods contest.

Wow i sucked.
the 7 courses were:
1.Braised Pig Stomach
2.Duck Blood Soup
3.Chicken Feet
4.Cows Uterus
5.Lamb and Rooster Testicles
6.Durian
7.Balut
any guesses how far i got?..
i did fail by the way.. epically..
i only got to the chicken feet..
i wanna puke just thinking of it..
it wasn't that the meat/skin tasted bad it was the cracking of the bones in the feet and the nails on each toe..oye.. and beyond that even if i thought i would finish that course they had started serving the uterus and there was no fucking way.
i looked at it and wanted to cry and nearly did when i saw the balut..
btw: balut is a fertilized duck egg with a well developed fetus inside i nearly choked on my sadness while watching people eat it.
and p.s. though durian smells so god awful that i wouldn't dare put it in my mouth...
but i will say the stomach was actually quite tasty..
but i had to gag the duck blood soup down..oh my poor stomach..

my risotto came out awesome today.
go me.

i have developed a very strange crush recently.

on david thewlis yes Remus Lupin.
weirdly adorable... but then again i say the same thing about keith carradine and michael caine. maybe my older men thing is getting out of hand...

damn you jenny lewis

i've been feeling really overwhelmed lately i love what i'm doing and i'm so happy i'm doing it but life in the kitchen isn't what i expected. i think it's more of a group thing that causes me to feel the way i'm feeling. there is this uneasy chaos in the air when i'm in the labs this constant running like the faster we get this done the better it will be when that never is the case. so there is constantly something wrong or somebody spilling something or some other mishap like that. it sucks i mean it's awesome but it sucks. i'm not quitting no way but i just want it feel different which i'm sure it will i'm just a bit overwhelmed. i need to breathe more and think less well less about all the million things going on in my head..
anyways..
this week i've made:
ratoullie
braised leeks
glazed carrot
risotto
rice pilaf
pommes puree
and plenty of knife cuts and take home stuff.
i've been okay
i've gotten fair marks on everything
it's either really good seasoning but you needed to let the rice split first before adding stock
or
good texture but you needed more seasoning..
oye vay.
yeah well
it's been well
i've been better though i must say i'm not excited about the quiz tomorrow thats for sure
and the burn on my arm still hurts fucking oven.. aagghhh.
-M.
p.s. my feet hurt bad.
p.s.s. jenny lewis' meloncholy music isn't making me feel much happier but i can't help but listen...

oct,19,2009

my first official day in the kitchen.

i want to be her.

2 days till i turn 22.

why can't i be zooey deschanel.?.
honeymooning with ben gibbard sounds so good right now.
-m

a birthday dinner.

it's manuel's grandma's birthday on sunday and i plan on making her a birthday dinner before that.
one that manuel will most likely not eat which blows but meh he should learn to try new things..
i'm making fried calamari with lemon aioli
mmmm.
pan seared alaska halibut with shitaki and lemon.
i'm making rice and some sort of green vegetable to go with it.
maybe asparagus.
and for dessert a layered tirimisu cake ..
other food news is that i'm going to my orientation soon.
and i start school on the 28th.
nervous excitedness continues.
also..
langhorne slim is playing the troub in early november $12 advance tickets.
-m

a new set of knives.

eddie surprised me today more than i surprised him that's for sure..

i called him up because i needed to return the baking dish that they let me borrow to take home excess enchiladas in.. which came out pretty well btw.

and i brought him a chocolate shake and ..

i purchased a carne asada taco..

pretty good.

my descent back to omnivore is going well..

well after the meal.

eddie informed me he had a gift for me.

so he goes out to the car and brings me back a bag filled with knives.

well not filled..

but definitely a great starter kit.

so excuse me for going a little lindsay lohan but i had to take some pics.

-M.

sleepless night and endless frights

so nervous about all this upcoming stuff.
which is mostly school and an impending birthday though that isn't really that soon and i hope it takes forever to get there.
i worry so much about the future.
i shouldn't but i do.
like hey let future marissa work it out.
nothing is gonna happen unless i work it out. now.
so i keep repeating that to myself everytime i find myself breathing to quickly or so nervous i can't sleep.
gitters.
i hate them.
so i have a cake to make soon ..
plenty more dinners to make to practice before i start school.
so worried because my kitchen is no where near equipped to handle culinary school.
aaaggghh
i'll get there.
until then cake to make, photo album to finish, and quilt to complete as well..
i'll get there..
-m

csca

so i'm officially going to the california school of culinary arts in pasadena..
i start sept. 28.
good luck to me.
the excited nervousness continues.
-m

i have something big to annouce but i'm gonna wait to be sure...
friday afternoon should be long enough..
wish me luck.
-M.

FUCK.

wishing well.

dear brother.
please stop your suffering
and know that you are loved.
-m

empty.

he holds no allegiances to me so why do i feel that familiar sting of pain behind all the numbness that is my stomach?.
don't get me wrong.
it's still numb.
but i don't know.
i didn't exactly picture my love life in this situation.
am i that girl?.
fuck why do i wanna puke right now?.
-M.

hey jack it's me i don't mean to bother you but somethings been on my mind.

adam took me around driving last night in vidal's car.
sounds funny.
i almost hit a raccoon. well two actually.
i think he is right about my nervousness though.
like as soon as i get that down i'll be fine.
i had a lot of fun last night.
forgot about certain things that have been troubling me.
manuel texted me again today.
he still feels like shit. sick as a dog.
i feel like the bitch that calls him and tells him i'm sorry you don't feel well but please don't text me.
what drove me nuts is that he called me like an hour before..
and his texts never say anything like i'm going to do this..
or this is the way things are going to be ...
no instead he texts me.
on several occasions.
"i feel i was always made to suffer :("
and
"i'm sorry"
stuff like that.
call me and tell me these things..
i wouldn't of cared if his text had said like i'm going to the hospital or something like that..
i don't know.
-m
p.s. i'm craving more zucchini sticks.

standing next to me.

hung out with jenny today and johnny last night.

ended up spending the night there.

wasn't expected.

didn't sleep very well.

while he just snored away..okay maybe he didn't snore but he did drool on me which is just as bad.

he gave me a pair of pants.

they fit and i can't help but where them.

my hair is now a different color..

i thought it would end up the same neon orange red i got before but now it feels more like deep dark raspberries and pomegranates.

which wasn't expected but i still love.

it's easier to like than the other color.

but looking at the other pictures i already miss my orange hair.

i'm thinking about doing an off the wall color next though like green or something like that.

but for now i'm enjoying the red and hoping to get a swimming cap soon. that way i won't have to worry about it fading so soon.

oh well.

i saw moon with manuel the other night..

i was gonna go swimming again but i had already promised him.

and i didn't wanna bail.

although later i found out he wouldn't of really cared.??

it was kind of weird the way he said it.

like trying to hurt me.but the fact that i really didn't care may have upset him more.

btw. had the most amazing zuchinni fries at tops in pasadena with extra salt/pepper/season salt.

omg heavenly.

even the pickles in the garden burger amazed me.

mmm pickles.

moon was good nothing what i expected but really good..

sam rockwell is a god.

or just an incredibly gifted actor.

and i just found out that gellert grindelwald. will be played by the adorable.jamie cambell bower

who played anthony hope in sweeney todd..

i just remember loving the way he sang "i'll steal you joanna" all while having a fucked up bloody face..

i can't wait to see him in hp even if he'll be in twilight later on as well.

i shouldn't have so much hostility but the movie made me laugh more than gush so meh.

more later.

-M

p.s. amri did my nails which were completely awesome for a while but when they started chipping at the ends i clipped them. i'm not good at long nails but i do love my new short silver ones..:D

p.s.s. any ideas for hair colors after this one?

new again.

there is no going back now.

.:falls into her ipod:.

-M

stupid fucking knot in the pit of my stomach..
UGH FUCK!!!!!!.
my brain is stuck on repeat..
while tonight was fun..
it felt a bit forced.
i hate that.
fuck fuck fuck......
shit shit shit...
i don't want a facade..
i want reality..
i'll strive for it until there is nothing else i can do..
i hate that right now i am a fucking indecisive wreck..
i wanna be alone so bad right now.
but the more i am alone the more insane i go in thought...
fuck....
-M.
p.s. the cursing helps.

new color.

my tonsils are finally starting to improve..
i started taking ichinacea maybe that's why.
not to mention everything else i've been on.
tonight is 500 days of summer and i am beyond excited..
omg..yay.
i don't wanna wait another month.
i'm going with manuel although i really didn't want to at the moment but i am looking foreward to tonight.
maybe we'll stop by that russian bakery
or if the movie falls through for one reason or another..
with i'm praying it won't
but if it does.
warpaint is having a free show at amoeba..
so theres that.
also.
yesterday jenny and i hung out and she was really awesome
and dyed my hair..
i needed something new for the summer.
but it came out a bit more red than i would of liked.
i wanted it orange like last summer but i guess i can always go back..
even other colors if i want..
i'm thinking maybe blue next but i'm not entirely sure..
i just really miss the orange..
i read mandarin and thought oranges.
so picked it out..
next time definately coral red.

what do you think??..

so i found about this new project conor oberst has with m.ward and two other guys called monsters of folk. their first album comes out in the fall. i find it more and more strange that all these really awesome artists are joining forces and creating new music..i.e. broken social scene, the bens, and now monsters of folk. it's exciting that's all.

anyways.. i'm off for now....

-M.

so that is my shitty looking tonsil..

i wouldn't mind it so bad if i could breathe through my nose more proficiently.

or at least if i would start to get better.

i've reached like a plateau of crappiness

and then boom i get my period..

wtf world.

karmic retribution much?.

i feel like a fucking yo yo anymore.

i feel sleepy but i don't want to sleep

hungry but unwillling to eat.

i went to amoeba the other night.

it was nice.

i probably should of stayed in but i picked up

langhorne slim-self titled

lisa Hannigan-see sew

and

gregory and the hawk-moenie & kitchi

as well as an amoeba bag

yes that indeed was nice.

i was listening to death cab last night.

i had forgotten how much i truly love them.

even the new stuff.

i know it was pretty big on the radio for a while but i simply love i will possess your heart.

the complete version actually.

the first 4 minutes of instrumental are just haunting.

anyways.

i'm gonna make some more tea.

-M

p.s. and try to figure out what to do about thursday.

i passed.

well okay not at first..
i took it missed 7 (wtf?)
almost cried and they said you can come back right away if you wanna take it again showed manuel the test went right back in there and passed ... only missed 1 the second time.
go me.
-M.

wish me luck.

i'm taking my permit test....
today..
then i can start practicing and not worry about it..
and i better get my license soon though while i still have this frame of mind.
i took some practice tests on line there are like five tests of around 10-12 questions each and i only missed like 3 questions out of all of them so i'm hoping i'll do okay..
what to where inthe fucking picture..
shit.
-M..

a day full of romantic comedies,tea, and feeling like shit.

right now it looks as though i'm choking on a dinner mint..
you know the white ones with the red lines..
but opposite..red tonsil white lines..
it just basically means they're infected which fucking blows..
i just feel like shit basically..
i'm trying to rid myself of my mouth breathing ways.. and having a hard time at it..
ugh..
fucking post nasal drip
all i've been having all day is tea and water.
i don't wanna eat anything i don't wanna risk puking.
and i just found out that this thing on my tonsils could be a certain kind of stone which grosses me out hxc.
it says i can push on it with q-tips and hope my gag reflux doesn't kick in and it might push itself out.
oh so gross. no way. i'm assuming it's just puss.
okay i can't write about this anymore i think i'll actually puke.
manuel and i are sorta kinda not having the best time right now..
my doing.
i don't wanna say we are broken up. because nothing is official.
but i'm trying to breathe and work on myself.
this has to be karma
i'm sick because of what i've done.
let the self pity begin..
fuck.
-m

land locked blues

i don't feel to well right now..
my mind/heart is running a mile a minute..
i have to write down my thoughts especially since i can't directly share them with anyone.
so if this entry is vague please don't hate me for it.
i'm having a hard time deciding what's right or what i want to do about the situations i'm in.
i want to be more independent but i find myself being held back. not only by certain others but by myself.
i didn't want to ever become the person i am today but somehow here i am.
indecisive, messy, insomniac wreck that is me.
i have all these ideas swarming my brain that i can never get out.
i'm terrified of making any real decisions because i know whatever happens good or bad. i'll have to live with them.
i keep saying to myself don't worry so much ..
control the small things and work your way up.
i feel like i'm running out of time and i'm only 21.
how did i end up here?
whatever decisions i make now will affect me in the immediate future.
which scares me ..
i fear change..
but change is constant and inevitable
manuel and i fought today.
about one thing or another.
and then he told me some time during the day that he wanted to take care of me..
and i hated him for that.
when did i become this completely dependent person?
how did i convince myself that this was okay..??..
shit.
fuck.
i've been screaming into my pillow much more often lately.
things have to change.
and i'm the only one who can do it.
i am in love. how long will this last?.
-m

Keep Breathing.

jenny and i got into a car accident today...
we were on the ten going toward pomona we had just got on the freeway..
and the tire went out..
it happened so fast and so slow at the same time..
in my head i kept thinking oh shit the glass is gonna break she doesn't have a passenger side airbag...
we're gonna end up in the hospital for sure..
we swerved and went down this grassy part and on to an onramp..
i swear it was a miracle we didn't hit another car..
and that we weren't hurt...
just shaken up..
i was freaking out..
jenny was as cool as a cucumber..
i couldn't fucking believe how chill she was about it..
we ended up on this grassy dirt section between the onramp and the freeway ...
and her car had to be put on to a flatbed towtruck in order to get out of there.
we were looking around the car and saw the outer part of the tire like 50 ft. away from us..
and found part of the brakes broken off near her door..
she called her mom i called 911 which forewarded me to the highway patrol.
they came soon enough ..
before they did though two cars stopped and asked if we were doing okay..
when they patched us in to the highway patrol i guess they had said people had already called in as well saying that we had an accident..
nice to know people still do those kind of things.
-m.

cameras

i found these really awesome old camera's at my grandmother's when we last went up there..
she said i could have them..
oh how awesome i thought ..
i'll get some film start making some movies..
so i take them to this camera shop in whittier.
where the guy promptly tells me they're useless.
as they don't make film for them anymore..
ugh..
i was so excited about it..
and he basically tells me i can use it for sound effects..
and when i give him the wind up film one for photographs he pretty much tells me the same thing..
it's junk pretty much because with out film theres no point..
ugh...

this is as close to the camera i have that i found online..
i dunno..
it just sucks..
Marissa

sweaters and dresses

i've been nudged..

which is completely understandable..

i've been meaning to update..

but i don't wanna update without pictures..

which is probably why i haven't my/manuel's camera is out..

sewing is coming to me a lot harder than crocheting..

but i still made a dress for manuel's little cousin bella's birthday..

which was hell..

i don't know..

i haven't been hanging around jenny as much and i'm entirely sure why..

i always don't want to and then i'm happy usually when i'm there..

i'm not entirely sure why it's like this...

i plan on making some plarn tomorrow..

it's yarn made from plastic bags..

weird but awesome..

i'm currently working on some mother's day gifts..

i have two to make maybe three..

we'll see what happens..

manuel's friend bill is having his recital this friday.. should be pretty awesome..

he's an amazing pianist.

-M.

dress i made..Cardigan i crocheted..

crocheted baby blanket.

my first ever crocheted baby blanket i think it came out alright.

it took about two weeks of on and off crocheting ..

and i made the hat and little mittens in a couple of hours.

right now i'm working on crocheted pinafore dress for manuel's little cousin.

and we also picked up some really cheap patterns at joann's today can't wait to figure out that one and maybe break another needle on my sewing machine.

-M

fred and ginger.

i've been watching a bunch and fred astaire movies lately

and falling in love with each viewing particularly the ones with Ginger Rogers.

i first saw fred in Funny Face and i thought he had a bulbous head. which i still think he does. but i watched quite a few of his films with ginger and absolutely fell in love. i just wanna be scooped up and danced into a dream. Ginger rogers was so beautiful. and someone said something during the time they were making the 10 films together that "fred gives ginger class and ginger gives fred sex (appeal)"and i couldn't agree more. just because you see this beautiful women pining for this funny looking man. it's the dancing and the way they look into eachothers eyes.

if you've never seen any of the films just watch one... probably anyone of the ten and you will be hooked.

shall we dance and the gay divorcee are probably my top ones right now..

but all the story lines blur a little after watching all of them in a row.

skinny love

valentines day.
i found my unaccounted for valentines day cards.
next year i'm gonna send out a bunch more.
i really enjoy making cards.
and i found that by the last one they became a bit more elaborate than just happy v-day.
with a big fish hook heart in the middle..
maybe i'll start sending out happy birthday cards for each person i know..
when their special day comes around.
valentines day.. was really fun..
i haven't had a romantic day like that in a while..
manuel called me up and i struggled hardxcore to put my hair up into victory rolls.
it was not easy and i feel bad because i hate putting hairspray in my hair but i pumped out the fricken bottle just to keep it up..
i hate the harsh crunchyness that is my hair after that chemical waste but i loved the result..
i must try it again..
i ripped my fav. pair of tights.
and we went walking in westwood..
where we stopped to eat at the stand.
mmmm pickles..
mmmm. crazy potato chips.
so good.
then we kept walking just looking around it was a nicer windy warmer day..
the air was somewhat clean..
we headed over to the cemetery afterward. to visit jimmy stewart and also to see if we can find l.frank baums grave.
we did.
manuel did.
there was a note on his grave as well.
which i read.
i don't remember enough to recite it word for word.
but it basically asked for appraisal in an upcoming project the woman had..
she was working on some sort of film i gather based on what she had wrote..
she thanked him for writing something so great that it stuck with her since she was a child..
the more i think about it the more sweet it becomes..
ashley belton i believe her name was..
so i'm on the look out for a director/producer/writer.
by that name..
i'll keep my eyes open.
so afterward we headed to pasadena where gelato was digested while quick steps were taken over hard concrete..
we headed underground to a music shop where manuel tried and failed to locate a certain book on conducting.
and to another urban outfitters we went..
i enjoy places like pasadena and westwood.
but i don't always enjoy the people..
but meh.
and over to the drive-in afterward.
to check out friday the 13th.
and he's just not that into you..
which makes no sense to me..
why would you place a horror film right next ot a chick flick.
i suppose it's the best of both worlds for a date night..
which i pretty much was..
but usually it's one genre or the other..
you can't have both..
manuel fell asleep in the middle of the second..
nice one bebe..
all in all it was a bunch a fun and some time for much needed walks.
we are leaving soon to nevada.
and my aunt who can be sweet and incredibly unknowledgably annoying at the same time..
informed me that she was indeed as well making a german chocolate cake.
i almost cursed right there.
ugh.
i'm not showing up with a present or card or anything at the moment..
except for that cake and then low and behold she's making one as well.
FUCK.
she told me to make it anyway.
in my head i'm like..
i know there is going to be 8 people but come on two three layer german chocolate cakes in the course of two days..
no way.
i dunno at this point i might just make my carrot cake but i'd really rather not..
i wonder if he likes red velvet cake.
i've been wanting to make one..
maybe a banana cheese cake..
hmmm.
i don't know..
ideas?..
-m
p.s. i've already re-read the 6 and 7 hp books in the past 3 months but i kind of wanna again..
this wait is unfair.

Manuel and i are heading to Nevada next weekend for his and my grandfather's birthday
my grandparents live in a new four bedroom house which has already been not literally demolished but it has been taken quite a toll on..
they have four dogs..
my grandparents use one room
my aunt Kathy who is blind lives with them in another room..
my dad although he does not live there has a room set up for himself since he helped buy the house.
and the other room is basically used for storage..
Manuel and i are going and i just found out that my aunt Tina and her husband and I'm assuming my cousin as well..
i don't know how this is going to work.
it's gonna suck..
and she's a yuppie and by that i mean shes a bit of a bitch or at least can be..
and i know.. that there is no way that Manuel and i are getting the room..
.:sigh:.
i don't know..
I'll make sure to take many pictures of our trip..and such..
but I'm still not at excited as i was..
tomorrow is the big V-day..
Manuel and i have changed our plans at least 4 times..
i have no clue now whats gonna happened..
it didn't help that another fight occurred ..
i wish fights were more apparent sometimes..
like if we were mad at each other we'd just go at it..
because this underlying warfare is driving me crazy..
i know it's mostly my fault ..
I'm the kind of girl who expects boys to read her mind..
but i realize you really do have to spell out everything that your upset about..
and to be it just sounds naggy so i refuse to do it..
so i stick to the silent treatment.
which does nothing..
i need to come up with a new strategy.
-M
p.s. I'm looking for a newsboy cap..
anyone knows where to find a good one let me know..
I'm going to urban outfitters tomorrow but forty bucks seems a bit steep for a hat..
p.s.s. i had planned to send out quite a few valentines ..
but i lost quite a few of them.. no correction misplaced them..
if they come in a bit late please don't judge me..
xoxxoxoxooxoxooxoxo

monday night.

something really really scary happened on monday.
we were leaving the rock steady lounge. and we drove by the elliott smith memorial and everything was fine..
jenny in the back..
manuel driving me sitting passenger.
when we get on the freeway ..
these two asian kids in a bmw start flashing their lights at us..
just highbeaming away into are eyes..
it was so fucking bright..
they drive up on the side of us mouthing FUCK YOU..
what did we do?....
no idea..
tailgating forcing us to get over practically slowing to a stop in front of us.
the followed us for a couple of miles..
the whole time manuel was freaking out..
i was panicking like crazy.
and jenny was cool as a cucumber in the back..
just saying stuff like..
that's why i don't like asians..
laughing while she said it..
i've told a couple people them saying i should of called the cops
i didn't think of it at the time because i couldn't breathe.
but i guess it might not of helped because they didn't have a liscence plate number..
i don't know..
but now manuel is weary of going back..
running into the same sorta thing again..
would be disasterous...
-M

seattle.

mom and i left from the station on the 26th of december not knowing the trouble that the train would be.
over the next two days on the train we were delayed several times.
freight train ahead of us.

something wrong with the tracks.

pick up extra food.

heartattack

and finally

suicide..

somebody decided to jump in front of the train in oregon.

they announced over the loud speakers that something had happened but it has nothing to do with condition of the train and in situations like these it would take about 2 hours so we stayed in springfeild oregon for an extra two hours.

i guess it happens often

so we were supposed to reach tacoma by around 7 i think..

we didn't get there until 1in the morning so we were pretty late..and it's not exactly a nice area either so ..

it was a little scary..

but a taxi outside took us straight to the nearest best western.

where we charged everthing we had and fell asleep promptly.

the next morning i took a cold shower..

i didn't do this on purpose i just couldn't figure out the handle..

i blame my natural blondeness for my stupid quirks..

i can be a natural ditz sometimes..

mom got sick though..

and threw up..it was gross..andrew picked us up later around noon..

his car was.. well..you can tell where his priorities are..

he has a big ass screen t.v. w/cable and a ps3

it's funny though..seeing my brother after so long. he reminds me so much of our grandfather and father for that matter

it's so weird just his mannerisms and everything. sometimes he's say something and i'd close my eyes and see dad.. weird right?.. everytime i tried to talk to him about something real though i felt like he shut me out. maybe it's just because we hadn't seen eachother ina year and a half..

the first day we hung around tacoma went to this really nifty candy shop up there.. it was adorable..and we went to this park that was really pretty but very cold..

my brother gave me a really hard time the whole time about the park...

"there are parks everywhere" he says..

ugh..

we go shopping..

and the next day seattle..

where we hit up Pike Place Market. which i immensly enjoyed.

it's just a big indoor farmers market or street fair..

and it was just fun and gorgeous.

i just loved how it seemed to never end.

and while there just across the way we saw the first starbucks..

but what was even better than that.. was that we went to a really amazing russian bakery..

that was ..

wow..

i got potatoes cheese and garlic in mine and they heated it up..

oh my God.. it was so good..

it just melted in my mouth and i could feel the warm tots in my belly for at least another five minutes.

mmmmmmmm

so now i'm on the lookout for an at least half as that amazing bakery around here so far i've found one i just haven't been there yet.. but i am still looking..

hmmm

that's my brother...

he has super long hair..

and a huge nose... and he criticizes everything..

we went to the space needle via bus afterward..

where my mom felt the need to tell me she hasnt' been on the bus in over ten years or so..

it feels so difficult to try to remember what happened now..

like i'm reaching or something..

i dunno.

the space needle was huge..isn't that all it's supposed to be..

we didn't go up..

but we did go to an amazing sci-fi/music museum

saw some cool stuff..

all my pictures are up on my-space..

myspace.com/goosedoll
if you wanna check it out.
i miss my brother more and more now that i think about seattle..

i miss the cold weather the clean air..

the way the ice sounds under my boots and my brothers laugh.. akward and endless.

the glass museum was amazing.

although very short.

we got to go to the "hot shop" where we got to see them actually blowing glass.

it was kind of awesome..

we went outside afterward on this bridge that was over the trainstation.

and it had a wall that was all these glass shelves and inside all the shelves were filled with glass vases filled with glass flowers and glass vines..

very pretty..

but since it was ona bridge it was fricken cold.

the air would just keep pushing us down harder and harder..

my face was frozen..

but again i felt it was easier to say nothing than to announce to everyone how cold it was every 2 seconds..

i dunno..

i just realized a couple of days ago that my jacket still smells like my brothers place.

-m.

i'm home..
more later..
*falls asleep*