heartbreak when lacking a heart.

i hung out with manuel yesterday.
probably a bad idea in hind sight.
i'll always love him.
but we tell eachother about what's going on in our love lives.
which is probably the worst thing we could tell eachother.
i told him about this new boy danny.
and he told me about courtney and robin.
and we were on the freeway.
and he told me he had hung out with courtney a week or so ago.
and that they had gone ice skating.
and i looked at him stayed quiet for about a second and then screamed out ..
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE"..
i didn't think it would hit me that hard.
but i had been wanting to go ice skating with him for the past five years..
it was always there in my head and now he makes time for it with this skanky 18 year old that just wants to be saved from her poor sad life.
yeah i'm a bitch. i know.
but it pissed me off.
not to mention taking robin to watts towers..
wtf..?.
i know we were together for quite a while but aren't there other things to do with these girls.
i'm just angry..
i don't know if i have a right to be. but i am.
it annoys me that he's treating these girls like this to.
letting one go down on him but not returning the favor..
okay.. thats more personal but wtf.
i dunno..
it feels like he's using them to a certain degree..
and he told me i was hitting below the belt when i talked about he's just trying to save us poor girls.
because i always felt it was like that for me..
that i was a project for him.
and now that's what these girls are ..
damaged, defenseless projects.
and also because i mentioned that it looked like robin was into girls.
and well his mom.is a sorta lesbian..
ok that was maybe a bit low.
but again i was angry..
*****************
i'm trying to take things slower with danny..
but.
he is coming over today.
and my dad isn't here
i'm bad, and lonely and pathetic..
and i need help.
-M