land locked blues

i don't feel to well right now..
my mind/heart is running a mile a minute..
i have to write down my thoughts especially since i can't directly share them with anyone.
so if this entry is vague please don't hate me for it.
i'm having a hard time deciding what's right or what i want to do about the situations i'm in.
i want to be more independent but i find myself being held back. not only by certain others but by myself.
i didn't want to ever become the person i am today but somehow here i am.
indecisive, messy, insomniac wreck that is me.
i have all these ideas swarming my brain that i can never get out.
i'm terrified of making any real decisions because i know whatever happens good or bad. i'll have to live with them.
i keep saying to myself don't worry so much ..
control the small things and work your way up.
i feel like i'm running out of time and i'm only 21.
how did i end up here?
whatever decisions i make now will affect me in the immediate future.
which scares me ..
i fear change..
but change is constant and inevitable
manuel and i fought today.
about one thing or another.
and then he told me some time during the day that he wanted to take care of me..
and i hated him for that.
when did i become this completely dependent person?
how did i convince myself that this was okay..??..
shit.
fuck.
i've been screaming into my pillow much more often lately.
things have to change.
and i'm the only one who can do it.
i am in love. how long will this last?.
-m