new years resolutions

1. wash my face everyday and stop touching my face(my hands get oily and it only makes my skin worse)
2. make the switch to vegetarian ( not trying to go vegan this year but vegetarian is a must)
3. grow out my hair
4. get contacts
5. go home at least once.
6. spend more time with the man aka the vampire aka the honey badger.
7 . more exploration of chicago.
8.maybe get more fit. ( i hate working out but i have to figure out something)

"The saving graces were the cocktails and dessert. The mixologist did a great job on corps revior #2, the anise was there but did not kill the other flavors. The hazelnut panna cotta was probably the closest one could get to a true panna cotta with vegan substitutes, and the pairing with orange, chocolate, and brittle was absolutely delicious. The brittle by the way, was also a highlight. Totally buttery without an oz of butter"

the above is a recent review from yelp.com
making it all seem worth it.
i love those moments. where realizing people are enjoying what you cook or bake makes it seem worth all the bullshit that comes with working where you do.
so I just got a second job at a health food/ vegan/ vegetarian cafe.
another 20 hours a week to go with my 24-30 hrs i'm doing at karyns.
i'm super excited about it to.
i mean. the atmostphere is completely different it feels like a team where there aren't any secrets or shifty pettiness or passive aggressive tendencies.
its a newish start that might make me increasingly tired but i feel more excited than i have in a while. btw i have to start taking more photos of my food.
-M

Like crazy...

got out of work early and since someone decided to jump in front of one of the cta blue line. i decided to go see a movie at the landmark in lakeview.
i chose like crazy.
i have been wanting to see it since watching the trailer when it first came out.
anton yelchin in romantic sad possibly devastating role. sign me up.
so.
movie starts.
i don't immediately enjoy the doe eyed overbite brit but damn i will say she grows on you quick.
this film portrays young first love in a real way and while parts were difficult to watch
because you felt so involved they are relatable characters. flawed and hopeful you want so bad for it to work all while knowing it rarely does. you keep this hope because they do.
you feel the love.
but instead of feeling hopeful by the end of the film. i was a bit underwhelmed..not necessarily with the film but of the emotions it evoked from me. i mean lets say you can meet that person again the person you fell so in love with meet them again now.
the love is still there but you are different they are different.
change is inevitable.
and you outgrow the love you crave at least this is in my case.
that was true when i arrived back home last may.
but i didn't realize it till now.
i'm sorry if i spoiled anything i tried to be vague.
which i still kind of think i was.
this is my interpretation of it anyways.
there will be many i'm sure.
either way i recommend you see this film.
for the hopeless romantic in you that also has a cynical side.
<3M
p.s. i leave you with a quote from the film
i did lovew this film and plan on adding it to my collection
it will sit next to blue valentine and 500 days of summer
"I thought I understood, but I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it, the eagerness of it, the idea of it, of you and me"

Countdown

so today i made an impulse purchase at B&N. (Barnes and Noble)
which is entitled GEEK GIRLS UNITE by LESLIE SIMON
and i cannot put it down.
i don't know i feel like yeah its speaking to me but not just that its a manifesto for girls like me.
and that yeah its okay.. and rather be proud.
and since i'm not particularly into just one section of the book
i.e.
FANGIRL GEEK
LITERARY GEEK
FILM GEEK
MUSIC GEEK
FUNNY-GIRL GEEK
DOMESTIC GODDESS GEEK
i feel like while i am mostly film i possess qualities of all these awesome geekery sections.
and i fully intend on embracing them even more so.
so.
in further geekery sectioned off in the film horror catagory.
i watched splice tonight.
adrien brody and sarah polley.
and
well first spoiler alert.
..
.
..
...
while the movie was pretty decent.
there were some scenes in it. that well.
weren't necessarily graphic in nature.
but whatever sort of lady wood i would of had was immediately diminished.
and i mean when your guy turns to you after a certain scene and says yeah i don't think we'll be having sex tonight.
i think that the movie has either done its job.. or.. completely hasn't..
i'm not quite sure on that one.
so .
the spoiler is.
adrien brody fucks the creation..
and then the creation fucks sarah polley.
to much just thinking about it.
um not so much.
.
..
...
..
.
so work.
they cut my hours.
the first time they have in the year that i have been working there.
and well.
i can't decide if i'm crazy annoyed or not.
time will tell.
i have a feeling my time there is well on some sorta timer.
i'm not sure.
everything feels shaky.
and i know i annoy the fuck out of john.
and well.
i guess thats fine.
are personalities are way to similar to the point where we never know when eachother is just fucking around or serious.
he sees me as the joy sucking, bitch.
and i really don't know what i see him as.
but its fucked.
...
so my birthday dinner was awesome.
we went to http://lulacafe.com/
i had the lamb breast and omg.
so awesome.
and fatty and unexpected.
it was very romantic.
and it got me out of the slump that i've been burying myself in lately.
i don't know whats wrong with me..
i usually began most posts with that before.
but i've been off lately.
in my head to much again.
but i will say our place is finally starting to come together.
....
so.
that is all for now.
oh did i mention my hair is luscious raspberry at the moment.
blue again next. i miss blue envy.
until next time.
-M
p.s. big bang gets bret spiner OMG. awesome!

luscious raspberry

feeling so blah today ..
will fully take advantage of my day off.
by lounging watching reruns of bad tv shows.
dying my hair.
doing laundry and all around cleaning up the box cluttered apartment we now have.
josh is working . i'll see him late tonight birthday in three days.
scary excited.
-M
will post pictures later

your woman-white town

little things that make me happy:
when my shitty ass self hair cut just happens to fall just right ( i rarely get a good hairday so when i do this is enjoyed)
listening to crazy ninties music that i had forgotten about..
soy pumpkin spice lattes.
when i lay off dairy for long enough so my skin clears up.
*****************
so the comic book show was a bit of a bust.
i mean it was fine i got my shit signed but he was in an interview and sorta waved the girl away who was trying to get a signature for me.
very disrespectful.
interview or not.
either way i still respect his artwork like a crazy amount but i'm gonna look into him and see if he has any original stories.
gonna go into work again tomorrow on my day off
need to figure this shit out.
pumpkin cheesecake needs a new crust.
and some sorta glaze.
and i wanna do a bread pudding.
will work on tomorrow.. please don't letme be there all day though.
ugh.

skottie young

so today.. i have to head home stop at the store for some food goods.

and then .. heading out to go to a skottie young signing and maybe buy an original art piece that is oz related. if its not to expensive.

uber nerd and only getting nerdier then i have to head back home and research coffee related ice cream or mousse of some sort.

so i am off..

wish me luck.

-M

never saw the point

currently at starbucks ..

where else would i be?..

don't get me wrong. i don't mean to sound like a lifelike version daria but its difficult when i'm not even trying.

so here i am enjoying my green tea/lemonade sweetened grande concoction

not to bad either i must say. regardless of the look on my face.

and i am currently listening to cults which are fucking fantastic if you have not heard.

so i thought things would be a bit drastically difficult but not currently at least not yet.

which i might be speaking to soon on but i hope not and i really don't think so.

so .

i haven't posted in a couple of months..

i went home for my grandmother's funeral..

i still miss her like crazy when i think about it. i hate the thought that i will never see her again and

whatever children i end up having will never know her.

but at least i did.

she made me a better person. and i'm grateful enough that i got to know her.

today. i made a german apple cake and with some luck it will be on the menu. in my head as of now.

german apple cake.

pumpkin cheesecake.

i/c cookies

choc pnut.

some sorta currant/fig/ pear dessert and that's all i really got so far.

i need to think of the crazies at work such as.

gluten free

soy free

nut and seed free.

raw.

it all presents problems or "challenges" as some people like to call it.

either way i'm happy with it for now.

and that's all i can really hope for.

**********************

Joshua and i .

well.it's going well. i mean. no fights no discomfort.

it just feels cramped is all. like i'm living in his house not we're living together.

and i suspect it will feel like this until we find a place that we both like together.

but until then its bridgeport for us.

chicken tonight with red skin potatoes.

-M

i shall update soon. i have been gone far to long. btw. did you know that batgirl can't survive without her coconutwater mixed with lychee juice??. its true its on the internet

we're all in this together.

so .
i'm currently in the process of looking for a second job.
on top of that ..
my fear level has risen and dropped in the past few weeks.
my lease is up soon.
and i might be making a huge mistake but mistakes are part of life.
and i must take a chance.
you can all say you told me so like last time i'm sure.
but i'm needing to write this out.
i may be a hopeless romantic and try to see the best in people.
but i'm moving in with joshua.
my lease is up at the end of august and we are moving in together .
i was terrified but my panic has been eased.
and things feel much better.
he's brilliant..and i hope i continue to see that in him.
there is love between us and hope i haven't had hope like that in quite some time.
so to see it again is a wonderful thing .
and as i bang this words out on this keyboard i'm realizing more and more .
that i'm happier than i have been in quite some time.
so .
my mother and stepfather know about this and not much else.
i still need to tell my father but i'm dreading that just a bit.
because we don't talk about much as it is.
and well.
i hate to hear his opinion i'm much more of the type to just go with something
take forever to a couple of seconds to make my decision and then tell everyone else about it and let them make up their minds about it.
i'm not sure what this says about me but yeah.
i've been reading a book on codependence and its been helping as well.
makes me realize its okay to feel certain things.
so this rant which didn't start out as a rant but is feeling more and more like one.
well .
yeah.
also .
i will be seeing death cab in august and as the date approaches i'm more and more excited.
so i will take tons of photos and make sure to post them.
-m
p.s. i have to keep reminding myself to call my mother.
it shouldn't be that way.
i must stay active in my personal relationships and not become enclosed in just myself.
also i must begin to crochet again i miss that.

life over here in chicago is going well.
i have a boyfriend who loves me .
and i'm going to meet his family this weekend which will be interesting enough.
my loans are coming in but it shouldn't be anything i can't handle.
i'm currently the pastry chef at the place i'm at .
want to look for another side part time job just to dip my feet into .
there are issues here and there but nothing to serious yet.
i miss my grandmother constantly.
its hard when i think about her and get photos but i couldn't be there.
my mom isn't well right now but we won't know more until a couple of weeks .
so id rather not go into it to much.
until then.
i bought death cab for cutie tickets so i'll be going to that in august.
the weather out here is the most bizarre thing i've seen in quite sometime.
but i'm sure that can't be helped.
so i'm going into work in a few and i'll be making.
faccacia
cheesecake
dehydrating more cookies
lots of ice cream.
and plenty more probably first the ice cream though.
we've become really low on the ice cream.
should be fine though i doubt we have many people on tonight.
i have to start photographing my desserts more though.
we also get watermelon in today which is exciting.
i just dont know what to do with it yet.
i should suggest the grilled version of that but i mean.
thats probably not what he wants.
fuck i'm annoyed but i'll vent later don't really have time for it now.

girls.

so i'm back.
and life was good in california well sorta not really but lets see.
so i got to go to the beach for a couple of hours with was awesome.
but the whole time my cousin was giving me a hard time.
like come on lets go its getting warm i just wanted to lay out for two hours. just fucking relax..
not so much i get it though i mean he lives there and stuff.
he's growing up so fast though.
but some things about him kept kind of driving me crazy.
he's incredibly judgmental and critical.. and he's only seventeen.
he refuses to try new things and thinks hermosa is the best place in the world to live.
but i don't get it.
i mean he's never lived anywhere else so how could he know and i tried to explain that to him but he wasn't having it.
also he chooses to call my brother his big brother.
which drives me a little crazy.
i mean .
he hasn't seen him in like fuck at least 10 years and he acts like he still lives with him.
poor kid.
anyways the funeral.
a whole issue itself.
there was nothing really planned no one really said anything.
we got on a boat that my aunt rented with a bunch of family members that i haven't seen since i was super young.
and they all commented on my blue hair.
we worked our way out on to the open water.
and turned off the engine ..
swaying there back and forth my uncle started to speak but trailed off a bit.
it became painstakingly clear that no one planned any of this.
my aunt tried speaking shortly after then in the middle of it my grandfather just was like goodbye jean. and tossed her ashes over i was there with my brother he held me while we both sobbed.
i couldn't take it.
we tossed a dozen roses in the ocean and that was it.
the whole thing took less than ten minutes and they had months to plan this out..
if i had the chance yes i would of said something.
no one else was given the opportunity.
and so i just was so angry and then hurt i didn't want to leave her out there the water was cold and murky.
i wanted her someplace wherei could visit her.
but i know thats not what she wanted.
and i tried to bite my tongue and not be selfish.
but it was difficult afterward we made our way back to the shore and headed to my grandmother's brother's house danny.
it was much smaller than i remember..
but it was similar to what i remember.
kids running around all over the place.
music singing.
i missed it.
i made a point of telling my cousin and my brother on seperate occasions that its up to us next keeping the family together..
thats probably gonna be really difficult considering i'm in chicago andrew is in seattle and brett is in hermosa beach.
but i dunno.
thinking about it now makes me miss my family even more.
graduation was fine.
i had missed people and was thankful to not see certain people there.
but i guess that's a whole different thing,
either way.
i want to head back in december.
i hope i can.
-M

craziest night last night ever.
i ended up having to work all night because yo didn't come in.
and that sucked but whatever nine hours overtime.
so afterwork we headed over to dugans a local bar.
and i had my first irish car bomb..
chocolate milk so delicious.
anyways scary shit.
some one got really upset and stuck a french fry up someone elses nose and well.
a bloody nose occured.
which kept going and going.
it was a bit scary.
i wanted to cry for her guy came back well it was bizarre the whole night really.
i'm coming home on wednesday.
and its going to be awesome.
i need to call my father.
and talk to him.
though i'm not sure i want to.
but yeah.
get to hang out with my cousin.
then the next day.
memorial service.
makes me wanna cry.
but what are you gonna do you know?.
-m

four winds

life sucks currently and not really sucks but just not what i want or wanted or any of that.
ugh.
blows.
i'm stressing because i need to get home and it might not happen.
and and i'm stressing because this thing with josh is moving really fast.
and i don't know what to do with that.
i'm in a really awkward position.
and i hate it .
either way i'm going to myopic books right now wanna get something on raw food help me understand it better.
and also probably another vegan something or italian love italian then over to urban to make an impulse purchase check out the sale racks.
other than that who knows maybe reckless.
reckless is like the weakass version of amoeba here where its pretty nice but nowhere near as huge ..wait you know
bad comparision really its more like rhino.
definately rhino..
but i saw pete yorn at rhino.
but then again i saw tim kasher at reckless
so
they are equal in my eyes no good no bad just not enough selection.
either way.
i need to call my brother .
and then call my aunt till her the deal.
and see if all fails that i can just plan to go back home in a month or so .
rather then next week
if we can just hold the ticket for another date you know?.
when things are more settled i'm gonna hate everything so much though if i can't get home next week.
tears will be shed .
-M

party?

so i saw alejandro on the bus this morning
fml.
a small awkward smile came from him while i just looked at him and walked toward the back..
FML.
i hate that feeling the whole time onthe bus i couldn't concentrate.
just fucking flashes of how much i hated that small period in my life came rushing back..
FML.
i'm so happy to be in the position that i'm in right now.
and also.
i have been seeing that guy josh .
i'm starting to think i should cool it with him.
just slightly.
i don't want anything to happen like it happened with alejandro.
so.
we'll see.

bang bang

fuck this is gonna be really fucking close.
my social is coming hopefully monday..
tuesday i will head to dmv..
i hate this i hate how close this is
i'm not that person who waits till the last minute the stress is killing me.
ugh.
either way.
day off today not exactly sure what to do with the rest of it.
i did get a new tattoo.
i'd like to show it to you but i'm not gonna take my sweater off in the middle of a starbucks. so i'll give you a link.
or well.
the photo the artist took when he finished.

what do you think?.
its on my ribs which was a bitch.
and i ended up giving myself a bruise on my arm. because i needed something to bite down on.
but then when i put on my music i was fine.
either way wish me luck..
with that luck i will try to make it home in exactly two weeks.
fuck i hope this works
-M

work

waiting outside of work right now.
watching one of my shows at a starbucks.
i had forgotten it was the season finale.
as soon as i get in it will be ..
feet hit the ground running.
i'm starting to really love that saying.
it makes me think that i shouldn't stop prepping until its all done.
and that makes me even happier.
to see my prep list and have it be completley marked off this are coming together really well.
my brunch menu desserts as of right now are.
butterscotch pudding.
chocolate peanutbutter pie.
cinnamon rolls
and banana chocolate chip and blueberry muffins.
in romantic news.
i've been dating this guy i've been working with .
and in a bit of a drunken haze last night with some prompting
i talked to him about where this was going .
and i decided more we decided that we should see where this is gonna go.
he was completely cool with letting me still be single and just making it casual but he also said.
that yes he wanted to be exclusive.
so i'm gonna stop dating other people to see where this could go.
its weird because in that drunken haze last night talking to rheanna i was talking about .
how i want to leave eventually and move around and ultimately settle in southern california.
and how i want a bunch of kids .
and a farm and live that kind of life.
because it sounds ideally beautiful to me .
i only shared part of this dream with this guy.
ive told him about the farm before but that was in passing.
and i've told him more about moving around and he shares this interest .
moving and not necessarily having any ties to chicago. other than his family of course.
so we will see where this turns up until then.
i'm out.
-M

green eye'd boy

my card came in today finally i'll be going to the social security office tomorrow to get a new card for that.
and then after that boom i'll be getting an illinois i.d.
so since my card came in and well since the fact that i did 62 hours this past week
i needed some retail therapy .
insert 250 dollar bill from urban outfitters.
i was up on money for the mere fact that i hadn't spent any in weeks.
so i don't feel to bad about it.
actually feels kind of nice.
that and i have another pay check coming in on friday.
and that one will have 33 hours of overtime attached to it.
i mean.
that is pretty much my rent check just for over time which is insane.
and although i'm like super tired and my legs feel like they are going to give out at any moment.
i love what i'm doing .
and i have to use that as my mantra because otherwise i might forget and just give in to the pain and anguish that is working at a restaurant and just all around working in this industry.
...
so i have to create a new gluten free dessert and i'm thinking this peanut butter and chocolate pie with a gluten free crust.
and not only that but i have to create brunch desserts because i hate the fact that brunch kills through my desserts..
so .
what i'm thinking
scones.
muffins.
and now if i can i'd like to do doughnuts
and cinnamon rolls.
this is my project for the next weekend..
so i'll be working on it all week.
possibly going in early and such .
other things for this week..
need to dye my hair again.
it is fading way to fast so i must rebleach.
laundry.
and lets see.
i'm meeting up with this guy milos because well i sorta promised .
all this work has taken a toll on my personal life.
i've started developing something with this guy from work.
i mentioned it on here before i know .
but i mean we see eachother quite a bit.
and well he's an awesomely if not older and strange guy..
and i don't hesitate to tell him so.
either way .
that is whats going on in my life right now.
so while you read please enjoy haley bonar because she is awesome.

blue bird

could you be my dream i could have you every night and if by morning i've forgotten you well no big deal that'd be alright because you're the reoccuring kind.
you never really leave my mind..
i've been thinking of that line more and more.
wondering about things like love and relationships..
i guess it doesn't help that it came on last night while i was walking home with josh.
that went well.
i mean we didn't do much last night he got me stoned said it would help...
it did..
i think..
i'm almost better at this point still having coughing fits.
but nothing to immediately life threatening ..
in fact the fact that i'm almost back to healthy is a daunting thing .
because i have to push myself really hard tomorrow.
120 mini terrines and then.
i have to make more regular terrines as well as doing more apple pie and probably.
more pear but i'm not entire sure on the recipe for the poached pear so that could be bad as well.
......
update: PLEASE LET MONDAY COME SOON.
need day off.'
but this morning is quite nice as well.

silver lining.

its strange when you allow yourself to be seen by someone who doesn't know you that well.
yesterday.
i was sick i still am but yesterday was the worst of it.
cold sweats, fever, shaking, coughing to no end.
and i allowed myself to be taken care of.
and i kept thanking him and just saying i was surprised its been a while since i've been treated like that.
he wrapped me up and healed me.
at least to acertain degree.
and i was grateful.
and it made me look at him differently.
and i hope this isn't just the lack of affection lately thats talkin or like
florence nightengale syndrome.
but it was nice to be cared for is all i mean.
-M