a kiss with a fist is better than none

need to dye hair blue.
need to stop fucking around.
maybe some laundry today maybe not.
a little lost when i have my days off.
always unsure what to do with myself.
i hate not having internet
but i guess its the push that makes me leave the house.
so the plan.
get bank card.
get social security card.
get illinois i.d.
get the fuck out of illinois for a week.
come back shut it down
figure out what i'm going to do with myself next.
-M
(disclaimer: there was absolutely no effort in the making of this entry please forgive)

marathon

strange things are afoot
so i heard from a reliable source that i may be getting fired..
eventually.
which seems completely bizarre to me.
because i'm getting promoted and i got a raise.
so this leads me to think that either when things are more settled they want someone who is more experienced or well i don't know what other sort of explanation there is .
basically someone was kind of floating around the kitchen.
and heard our new head chef saying well what do we do about marissa.
should i keep her on?.
they can't afford to lose me right now just based on the pure lack of people working in the back of house.
and truthfully if they wanted to find a person with more experience i can't imagine this person would actually work there for the price that they would be able to pay them.
i don't know either way.
i'm guessing i have a couple of months if this is all true.
so i know i'll be fine but still i worry.
and i'm a quiet person in general.
but they don't treat me like i know anything or with any sort of respect whatsoever.
i'm a kid who just got out of culinary school to them.
which i am of course.
but still.
they have no interest in teaching me anything if they are tasting something they never offer it to me never ask any sort of opinions and im not an intrusive person so i'm not gonna correct them or put my face in what they are doing if this makes me a bad person or a bad chef in training i don' tknow .
i'm gonna have a conversation with bj.
and ask him just basically what he expects from me what i can do to be better
and general stuff not trying to overly bearing or hinting that i heard anything.
everyday they talk shit about adam.
and it drives me nuts i mean i know he fucked up.
but i also know he wore himself thin there and just lived at that restaurant and he wouldn't put out food that he thought was bad.
every item he put out was gorgeous and tasted amazing.
and all that is heard or remembered is that he was late
and a drunk.
he was my chef my first chef i've ever worked for.
i looked up to him even if i shouldn't have.
and he's told me several times that i remind him of the person he was when he was younger.
this wide eyed optimism and hope and wanting to be better but being a tad standoff ish.
not feeling comfortable or normal in any sense of the word.
having a strong connection to the artistic qualities in things rather than the logical.
i have a bunch more stuff to make soon.
i'm working on finding a vegan flatbread recipe.
i'd love to make naan bread that wouldbe the shit.
so i'll just focus on my work right now and hope not to be blindsided.
-M

i know the quality of this video isnt' the best
but its a great song and i love the band.
i'm excited for this new opportunity.
i am getting a raise.
but only slightly
and i asked about the opportunity of getting another one.
and they said it was a possibility.
and i want that i want to be amazing and i want it to work.
and so i'll hold my breath but not to long i assure you.
i feel like maybe i do get distracted.
but i do get shit done.
you know?.
andi may not be the most organized of people.
but you tell me to do something and i will do it.
almost exactly how i was showed,
and if i have three people showing me how to do something
well things can get askewed.
and thats when it blows.
but what can i do.
if you don't talk to me i don't know.
and i'm excited about where i'm headed
but i wanted so bad to reach the hotline.
fuck it all.
i'm gonna do what i can and be the best i can at what i do.
take criticism well.
and not allow myself to be yelled at for no reason.
i'll get through all of this and i'll survive.
and if i don't i'll go home.
or i won't
i'll go somewhere else.
i'm so new
and i just want the experience
its hard finding your own voice
my head thinks a certain way where i think i'm very suited for pastries.
maybe i should of gone into that to begin with
-M.
p.s.
can't wait to go home for a while.
countdown 53 days till i'm home

giving up the gun

i'm at starbucks right now
daily indulgences get me through
the next two weeks are going to be very intersting..
i got a piece the other day.
its a cute turtle pipe.
a little awkward to hold but i find it adorable.
i named it after my friend ayaka back home because she is a huge stoner.
so my turtle is named naomi its her middle name.
it was funny i could tell my roommate wanted some but i figured he would be a square for some reason.
but he kept lingering and i was like ..man i knew it.
lol
and so he smoked with me and my friend.
and after a few hits he abruptly gets up and goes and takes a bath.
and i'm like wtf.
um okay
and then he gets out changes and runs down to the local liquor store
i'm tripping at how active he is.
and when he gets back.
i'm like what you didn't get anything?
and i find out he ate whatever he got on the way back
lol.
wow .
thats just me cracking up

all to all

this promotion is coming and everyone seems very happy for me
and i mean i can tell its true that they are.
but its not something that i ever wanted.
at least i didn't think i wanted it.
and i'm nervous that i won't be able to do it right
and at the same time.
i'm super annoyed that like i'm getting this position
but at the same time.
the other pastry chef who's leaving is gonna create another dessert to put on the menu before she goes.
and i'm kind of like
wtf.
if i'm getting this position let me try it out.
but alas .
my concerns are not brought to light.
because i am scared and the fear takes hold and prevents me from saying what i think.
i've been in a bit of a daze lately .
work has been cancelled for the past couple of days.
due to flooding and sewage becoming backed up.
its pretty gross.
i'm glad its finally almost over
i work tomorrow and i know my next pay checkis gonna be short which makes me sad.
but i'll deal.. like always.
-M

it will of been my grandmothers birthday tomorrow.
its funny to miss someone so much that you haven't seen in a while.
and just to never have the ability to see her again makes it worse.
and i still haven't had time to really grieve because everytime i think of her.
and the memories she gave me i just sorta get really sad and start thinking of something else
or throwing myself into work
which never really helps i know.
but i don't want to think about it.
the fact that whatever children i have will never know how amazing of a person she was.
or that she suffered for so long.
and was so bitter and angry
but so loving at the same time.
she would have done anything for my brother, cousin and i .
anything.
.....
other stuff.
my father invited my brother with him to hawaii.
i know that it will be awkward but at the same time.
i never got that.
and i lived with him for all my life.
and i'm happy that my brother let go of a good amount of his anger.
but i still have problems.
with my father and mother
my brothers biggest thing was that our father chose a woman over him.
and the truth was he did it to me to.
but he did it to me everyday.
and i wonder why ive become so emotionally starved and void and
crazed for affection.
my grandpa said where am i staying when i come out ?.
and i said at home of course.
and he says oh with your dad.
and i'm like fuck
fuck
fuck.
this is the second time.
apparently i am void of a home as well now.
my dad apparently referred to it as not my home either.
so i'll call up my mom or something
not that he wouldn't let me stay there just that .
its so weird.
my dad even bragged about how his electricity bill went down 25 dollars.
yeah that makes me feel a ton better dad.
while i'm out here on my own all alone.
i'm glad you saved money.
his number one priority was never his children and it never will be.
i just hope he never becomes a father again.
he fools around with these young women because he says they don't expect anything
but i mean.
they do they just smart enough to not say anything yet.
good luck dad.
-M

so my grandfather called me.
and asked me about when i can get off next.
so i think its gonna be
i'll be home in may and april.
which means i really gotta save up some money.
two trips back home.
whoa.
so late april i'm imagining its only gonna be a couple of days.
3 at most.
and in late may i'm hoping for four or five.
-M

so i'm feeling like angry girl rock today
though this band only has one girl singer.
the news is.
that i made pastry chef at teh restaurant.
which is gonna be tough coming up with new things to put on the menu but i'm excited
like crazy excited
and karolina the current pastry chef is gonna trade me for the next two weeks.
so all this means is we are going to get some new blood in the kitchen.
which is excited because i will no longer be the scrub ..
go me.

sometime around midnight

whenever i hear there music it puts me back in l.a.
i guess its because they are from there and it comes out in there music
let me know if you hear it to?.
♥

got high last night.
needed it after all this shit in my life just came down on me.
my step dad is in the hospital.
my head chef is leaving if not getting fired.
and back again to work today.

new band introduced to me by a new person.
life at work is stressful
must hit the ground running today.

fools rush in

i know many people disagree
but i think zooey is a dream.

cannibal queen

i couldn't be more in love with telekinesis right now.

music helps me find solace and i've realized
that i need to find healthier outlets for my frustrations.
so.
i will be looking for that.
-m

the gentlest gentleman.

i have an incredible amount of apathy right now.
i just feel like i've given all i've had .
and well there isn't much left.
i'll most likely get my second wind soon.
but i can't shake this depression that is taking hold of me.
i got to the point recently where i was just like please i just want everything to get better or i just want to go home.
i'm doing my best to stick it out.
but i still suck at finding my optimism .
that thing i used to hold in such high regard now just annoys me.
and i wonder where it went.
either way .
i'm trying my best to pull myself back up on my feet.
we will see how that works out.
chris said some mean things.
which he apologized later for but either way.
i don't know .
i just can't shake that rejected feeling .
so i'm gonna stop trying and just let myself be for a while.
i'm hoping this will heal myself.
from all this bullshit i've been dealing with lately.
-m

big wave

whenever i listen to
the jenny and johnny album.
i always always miss home.
the album quite a few of jenny's stuff even just embodies southern california
or at least in my opinion.
so
they are going to be holding a memorial service sometime either.
in april.
or in may when i come back home.
the plan is as of now.
that we are going to rent a boat and scatter her ashes in the ocean.
i hate that i won't have a particular place to go and visit her.
but its what she always wanted
she hated the idea of being in a box.
i called my dad yesterday and i told him about losing my wallet
he faxed me my birth certificate this morning hopefully its waiting in the office at work by the time i get there.
my aunt that lives with my grandparents
or my grandfather now rather.
well.
grandpa thinks she tried to kill herself.
but my father just thinks shes a drug addict.
who over self medicates.
either way isn't good .
they want to put her in a home.
shes caused trouble always and instigates fights with everyone.
she can say the nastiest mean things.
drives everyone away and has no regard for anyone.
i don't know whats going to happen
they always say that death or new life bring a family closer together
but i just see this pushing us further apart.
i feel so tired and lost.
-m

make a plan to love me

florence + the machine