i tried to put my hand to brush back his hair right now.
to which he replied angrily
"what are you doing?"..
nothing..
nothing at all..
.
where did it go wrong.
.
i can probably listen to simple kind of life over and over again.
i feel stupid now for wanting those simple things.
especially when he feels i need to want more .
more than just a happy job happy life happy boyfriend..
i need to not want him.
..because then .
he seems actually interested.
today..
it seemed to be a good day ..
until just right now.
he woke up this morning just to talk to her.
and then when i got on the phone with my grandmother
and started talking to her about everything..
not revealing the bad stuff.
he heard what i was saying and got flirty.
and i dunno..
the signals are so mixed..
he tells me he doesn't want to try and then we have these good days.
only to be interrupted by moments. where
he chooses to live on this island that i can't seem to break him away from.
so i'm looking for apartments to rent and room with someone else craigslist looks really promising.
but i just have to finish my hours.
i can't take the emotional abuse anymore.
it hurts to much.
i don't exsist and his selfishness just hurts even more.
he could give a shit about me and my happiness.
so i guess i should try to find someone who does.
-m

i'm a bit lost.
should i wait it out and see.
or just let it come to a close.
i am in trouble.
-M

so my birthday not a whole lot.
my father didn't call me..
big surprise..
and apparently it was ,well at least to everyone but me.
for his birthday i got him a small S'more ice cream cake
a card that said something like.
anyone who doesn't wish you a happy birthday is a lamewad
the second book in a new series he's reading
and a pint of merlot chocolate chip ice cream
he seemed to like it.
they were kind of mean/cool to him
they found out it was his birthday
and filled up a huge bucket with ice water and dumped it on him.
twice.
once earlier in the day and then again before he left for the night
when he got home he was still wet..
i felt bad.
but again i guess it was cool that they were being so playful but i still think it blows
i'm at starbucks again getting my wifi/coffee fix.
watching my crappy reality television.
-m

too dramatic

another day.
tomorrow is my birthday.
which feels like just another day..
i'm working so i doubt i will actually do anything.
i'm off on thursday and that is actually his birthday and well he's working.
so i'll probably go down to the magnificent mile to see if i can find anything.
i'm thinking tea products.
either that some dorky form of cowboy bebop or avatar no books though
the reading thing while i get.
can feel a bit threatening at times.
i feel like i only know him so much and i'm dying to know everything about him.
i know it sounds a bit crazy or smothering but i love him so much and i just want to know everything.
and he's not really an emotional guy so when i get at all emotional about almost anything .
i kind of get shot down.
my feelings are valid and i hate it when he feels they are unjustified.
but i guess you can't argue with a sociopath.
he says that i'm only upset because things aren't going my way.
i told him it has nothing to do with that.
i am not aware right now if his mother knows we are living together he says it's probably assumed and then he throws the race card down.
i hate that damn race card.
"you wouldn't understand, you're not mexican".
fuck that drives me nuts.
i get it. morals, ideals and such.
but i am a person and i refuse to be kept a secret.
anyways.
that is my frustration.
other than that things are fine.
i just have to set this aside and make him realize it's not about whether i'm right or he is .
it's about the whole situation.
let's see i talked to my grandma.
she's doing ok.
she's in the hospital what feels like once a week.
i'm glad i got to see her before i left.
it meant a lot.
i got all weepy again last night.
not because i was home sick..
or anything like that.
it's because i brought some photographs with me. and one was.
me at about 3 or 4 with my great grandmother.
and i just started thinking about how i should of asked her more and gotten to know her better ..
but i was so young when she died.
about 11. i didn't think about the knowledge she could give me .
just the fun we had.
i know it does nothing to dwell..
but it just makes me miss my grandmother virginia even more.
and how important that connection is to have.
okay. well. i have to finish watching survivor and contemplating buying wireless for the apartment.
-m

reporting from chicago.
so far i love my internship.
they are understanding fun loving people that want nothing but to help me.
i start everyday portioning and cleaning the herbs section and they give me projects for the rest of the day chopping vegetables portioning ingredients getting everything prepped for sundays.. my hours aren't that bad for an externship .. 40 a week. and i get mondays and thursdays off.
i plan on getting some stationary and stamps tomorrow so people look out for letters.
i've also been reading more than i thought i would i got totally enthralled in this book by dan wells called "i am not a serial killer"..
pretty damn good.
my birthday is coming up.
and so is his.
any ideas?..
i have no clue what to get him.
i wanted to by him a pair of boots of some kind but we walked by a place and every suggestion i made he shot down. dunno.
i guess i'll just have to go on a walk i'm sure i'll find something.
i watched that film Never let me go on thursday.
it was really good it was like watching the book unfolding in front of me.
and by that i mean well i never read the book
but the way it was shot felt like a novel.
it was very beautiful despite my hate for kiera knightley
though i must confess she totally sucked me into the dutchess.
anyways so im leaving the theatre and i start talking to this woman and asked her what she thought of the film. and she just kept saying how she thought it was "sick"..
and i didn't understand i mean i loved the film.
that said. the film.. this is no secret..
as it is revealed early in the film.. with all the special talk.
these children/young adults grow to harvest organs that is why they were created.
maybe she was just annoyed at the premise of the film and didn't like the whole harvesting humans thing..
i dunno but it bothered me.
i wanna see let me in. very soon.
hopefully sunday if alex isn't to tired to be dragged out of bed.
anyways.
i have more internet browsing to do.
-M

i have arrived

so i have arrived.

he plane ride was long and sweaty.

and the rambunctious child behind me wasn't allowing me to much sleep.

so instead of trying to sit back and enjoy the inflight movie of "the joneses" i chose to have a 4 hour listening of death cab for cutie.

which i must admit in hind sight is the definite better choice.

60 dollars to check my bags which was insane to me at the time. and even more insane was the sixty dollar cab ride.

i get it ..expensive.

i wanted to take the subway but my several bags prevented me from getting around easily.

and i didn't want to wait to figure how to do the whole shared ride thing.

i get in and am home.

comfortable.

take a bath and pass out .

only to be awakened at two in the morning.

i missed him so much.

i hate to sound like such a girl.

and ayaka and marcella i lose.. definately lose.

and very happy about it.

this morning we didn't even leave the house till late. took a stroll down to a hot dog stand and had chared polish dogs.

the relish was so green i know don't believe me. but i swear it looked like snot i mean neon relish.

but so good.. to much mustard for my liking especially since i hate it but all around really good.

really good fries as well.

picked up season three of the big band theory and started to have a marathon but got distracted by sex, ice cream and then well tofu passed out. so there is that.

he's sleeping currently while i write this blog i'm trying to keep myself from cuddling with him because i don't wanna wake him.

tomorrow i wanna head to oz park and take some pictures. with my camera.. it's been way to long since i've had a camera.

thank you

amri, adam, vidal, dusty, and reba for making my going away night so awesome..

the cake was amazing!.

my mom was emotional the next morning but i think she was worse when i had already left based on the facebook updates from eddie.

i'm doing well and can't wait to go in on wednesday

-M

i asked my mom last night if she thought i was crazy.
ive been asking a few people just to see what sort of answer comes up.
a boy at school brandon told me no that he moved in with his girlfriend in even less time
and my mom.. well my mom.
my told me i had balls.
to put it quaintly .
she told me i was brave and that it took strength to move half way across the country for something that i wanted.
surprising answer coming from my mom.
-m