i start my first paid day tomorrow.
and i am beyond ecstatic.
saw hp7 pt1
epic to say the least
i cried at the death of dobby poor little house elf.
it felt short and long at the same time i don't think they did an amazing job at conveying the amount of time passed during the forest scenes.
shortly the books are better than the films but i have to wait like another 20 years for them to be remade again so i should just enjoy them now..
which i have.
so good.
-M

so i've been doing nothing but sleeping for what feels like forever.
and our electric bill came in today.
and i have no money..
which i haven't had.for a while now.
so i dunno.
he's gonna end up paying it.
and i'm either gonna pay him back or not.
i guess it depends on him.
yesterday was my day off and i did nothing absolutely nothing.
i mean i can't afford to do anything.
saving up the thirty dollars i have to my name isn't exactly easy.
i'm supposed to be put on payroll soon.
but i'm not even gonna get payed until two weeks after that.
which lets see.
if i start payroll on tuesday.
i won't get payed until the 7th of december.
fuck..
i just realized how awful the next two weeks are gonna be .
they said i don't have to come in today. and i'm not sure why.
but i said ok.
and i dunnoi just feel like what the fuck else am i supposed to do with myself.
and since they are not paying me yet what does it matter if i come in or not.
this is me being paranoid.
-m

love and bartenders

so .
i'm not out yet.
i cut my thumb at work on a mandolin
i'm still not getting paid.
i'm getting punk'd by the people i work with everyday.
but i've found some hope.
while i do get punked, messed with, picked on.
and while it's all very frustrating i do understand that these people do not hate me
i imagine they only want the best for me.
we went out drinking on sunday night.
and this guy i work with.
well. we will see.
i mean. i hate that i got teased about it at work.
nothing did happen but the entire conversation i had with this man just made me feel hope.
something that i haven't felt in a while.
i was so defeated and lost. i just needed some sort of boost.
who knew it would be from a 6'3 bartender.
so we will see where this goes but i don't want anything till i'm out of this apartment.
the mixed signals still continue.
he offered to pay for me to move out but i turned him down.
i told him when i do move out i don't want to see him anymore.
i don't know if it's possible to hurt alex because he sure as hell doesn't act like it.
but when i told him he broke my heart it seemed to hit him in some way so i guess that's good.
at least i know he can feel some things.
my emotions aren't a weakness and fuck anyone who thinks they are. that is pretty much what i've learned from this. i don't regret jumping in so quickly because what i did i did with love and my whole being and i like knowing i took that risk for love. even if it did end up hurting.
-m

FUCk.
my throat hurts from all the yelling.
why does he acknowledge me only to shove me aside the next.
saying he doesn't care about me.
but then comes over puts his arm around me and rubs my shoulders.
he says these aren't mixed signals.
i can't talk to him without him saying he doesn't want to talk.
it's infuriating.
so i started packing my bags already
stuff i don't need immediately.
he told me he wanted me out.
so i'm leaving.
the next twenty minutes were filled with him telling me i'm gonna be late for work
and why aren't i getting ready.
all this because the fucking asshole couldn't no no ..wouldn't give me a fucking hug.
after having a long hard day at work.
he just couldn't be bothered.
i explained how bad it was.and how i was tired and just needed a hug and he couldn't even bother himself to give me that.
and apparently showing any emotion = weakness.
well fuck that.
i'm gonna be sad when something hurts me and i'm gonna cry when it really hurts.
i'm not gonna be a fucking android and have nothing come out of me but work.
geez marissa what a horrible choice you made this time
-m

sing.

things are going well with work.
but the mood swings at home are more than i can bear.
some days i feel like things are completely different ..
only to have this hope shattered in the hours to come.
yesterday morning he was video chatting on my laptop with his exgirlfriend.
i went a bit crazy..
not saying a whole lot or yelling but quickly showering and then leaving but not before calling him a fucking asshole as i left.
making perfectly sure she could here me as i left slamming the door with perfect anger.
i was fuming shaking from so much anger.
i didn't know where to go or what to do..
and found that i ended up at the lincoln park zoo.
just walking .
paying attention for several minutes to each animal.
watching the swans longing for a simpler time.
thinking about how if it is me.?.
am i just never satisfied?.
am i always waiting for this perfect romance and person to come sweep me off my feet.
i end up so wrapped up in what i want that i don't notice what i have.
is that what happened with manuel.
i know i'm at a different place in my life right now.
and i wonder if i was here earlier if we would still be together.
i know i probably shouldn't think these things but i can't help it.
i ended up going back to the apartment.something like two hours later..
i walk up the stairs feeling my anger building with each step.
open the door to find him watching movies on my laptop still.
he starts asking me where i've been and what i did.
now he cares?.
i'm just so frustrated with the whole thing.
we ended up having a great day..
well sort of .
i feel like he never really is present and it's hard to connect with him when he's not there.
i hate that i'm dating my father.
he acts like i don't have the right to be tired at the end of the day because he works more hours than i do.
what do you mean you're tired?.
what did you work 8 hours today?.
i did 10..
"you don't have the rights on being tired".
as much as i want it to be better.
i'm feeling so exhausted.
i've never wanted to come home more.
and i haven't once said that since i got here..
i just miss people and i hate to admit this as well but my mother.
i still haven't told her.
and i still plan on moving out.
im just looking forward to leaving and hopefully finding some solace in being alone and
maybe eventually finding some love that will last longer than a season.
-m

i tried to put my hand to brush back his hair right now.
to which he replied angrily
"what are you doing?"..
nothing..
nothing at all..
.
where did it go wrong.
.
i can probably listen to simple kind of life over and over again.
i feel stupid now for wanting those simple things.
especially when he feels i need to want more .
more than just a happy job happy life happy boyfriend..
i need to not want him.
..because then .
he seems actually interested.
today..
it seemed to be a good day ..
until just right now.
he woke up this morning just to talk to her.
and then when i got on the phone with my grandmother
and started talking to her about everything..
not revealing the bad stuff.
he heard what i was saying and got flirty.
and i dunno..
the signals are so mixed..
he tells me he doesn't want to try and then we have these good days.
only to be interrupted by moments. where
he chooses to live on this island that i can't seem to break him away from.
so i'm looking for apartments to rent and room with someone else craigslist looks really promising.
but i just have to finish my hours.
i can't take the emotional abuse anymore.
it hurts to much.
i don't exsist and his selfishness just hurts even more.
he could give a shit about me and my happiness.
so i guess i should try to find someone who does.
-m

i'm a bit lost.
should i wait it out and see.
or just let it come to a close.
i am in trouble.
-M