swear jars, thanksgiving and boys

so thanksgiving blew.
layed around all day ordered in.
middleeastern food.
talked to mom.. talked to grandma..
had to hear her cry again.
told her about alejandro and how i'm leaving.
was fighting telling her but she was actually really cool about it.
well at least semi..
she called him a louse.
and said some mean things.
i'm still in awe that my dad was right about someone i was dating he usually never cares.
but when he met alex he knew.
i'm not sure how he knew but he did.
so tomorrow is the first day of our swear for a cause at work.
if we swear we have to put a quarter in a swear jar. and i think it's all going to some animal shelter.
i get a pretty hard time at work ..
which is incredibly frustrating.
i mean it's all for "fun"..
but it wears on me after a while.
getting shit thrown at me all the time.
made fun of.
i dunno.
i'm just frustrated again.
so ive been talking to a couple of boys.
only problem..
they are two thousand miles away.
danny which i'm sure you remember.
i've been talking to him lately.
he says he wants to come out and visit.
he has a hard homelife.
and when i think about all the shit i put him through.
and how nice and good to me he was i feel awful.
but he has been helpful.
we were talking last night..
he kind of made me cry.
in the good way of course..
well sort of .
it's just nice to have someone care about what you feel and be able to reciprocate that emotion
and i miss him.
very much.
and where things get complicated.
i met a guy in the six weeks before i left for chicago.
his name is ben.
i felt a clear connection and he did as well.
but we never acted on it.
he messaged me and i got a hold of him and we've been talking a lot.
he's a huge dork, but makes me laugh.
i'm a little torn on everything because i still look at alex and know that i love him but
can't wait to get the fuck out of this apartment and avoid seeing him ever again..
what is that?.
strength?. hate?.saving oneself from more pain?.
i just can't stand it..
but i feel like a huge hypocrite because i'm still willing to have sex with him.
even sometimes i initiate it.
i don't know if it's because i'm lonely or in love.
either way it's confusing. and i can't stand it.
-M
p.s. because i've been on such a 90's music thing right now.

i start my first paid day tomorrow.
and i am beyond ecstatic.
saw hp7 pt1
epic to say the least
i cried at the death of dobby poor little house elf.
it felt short and long at the same time i don't think they did an amazing job at conveying the amount of time passed during the forest scenes.
shortly the books are better than the films but i have to wait like another 20 years for them to be remade again so i should just enjoy them now..
which i have.
so good.
-M

so i've been doing nothing but sleeping for what feels like forever.
and our electric bill came in today.
and i have no money..
which i haven't had.for a while now.
so i dunno.
he's gonna end up paying it.
and i'm either gonna pay him back or not.
i guess it depends on him.
yesterday was my day off and i did nothing absolutely nothing.
i mean i can't afford to do anything.
saving up the thirty dollars i have to my name isn't exactly easy.
i'm supposed to be put on payroll soon.
but i'm not even gonna get payed until two weeks after that.
which lets see.
if i start payroll on tuesday.
i won't get payed until the 7th of december.
fuck..
i just realized how awful the next two weeks are gonna be .
they said i don't have to come in today. and i'm not sure why.
but i said ok.
and i dunnoi just feel like what the fuck else am i supposed to do with myself.
and since they are not paying me yet what does it matter if i come in or not.
this is me being paranoid.
-m

love and bartenders

so .
i'm not out yet.
i cut my thumb at work on a mandolin
i'm still not getting paid.
i'm getting punk'd by the people i work with everyday.
but i've found some hope.
while i do get punked, messed with, picked on.
and while it's all very frustrating i do understand that these people do not hate me
i imagine they only want the best for me.
we went out drinking on sunday night.
and this guy i work with.
well. we will see.
i mean. i hate that i got teased about it at work.
nothing did happen but the entire conversation i had with this man just made me feel hope.
something that i haven't felt in a while.
i was so defeated and lost. i just needed some sort of boost.
who knew it would be from a 6'3 bartender.
so we will see where this goes but i don't want anything till i'm out of this apartment.
the mixed signals still continue.
he offered to pay for me to move out but i turned him down.
i told him when i do move out i don't want to see him anymore.
i don't know if it's possible to hurt alex because he sure as hell doesn't act like it.
but when i told him he broke my heart it seemed to hit him in some way so i guess that's good.
at least i know he can feel some things.
my emotions aren't a weakness and fuck anyone who thinks they are. that is pretty much what i've learned from this. i don't regret jumping in so quickly because what i did i did with love and my whole being and i like knowing i took that risk for love. even if it did end up hurting.
-m

FUCk.
my throat hurts from all the yelling.
why does he acknowledge me only to shove me aside the next.
saying he doesn't care about me.
but then comes over puts his arm around me and rubs my shoulders.
he says these aren't mixed signals.
i can't talk to him without him saying he doesn't want to talk.
it's infuriating.
so i started packing my bags already
stuff i don't need immediately.
he told me he wanted me out.
so i'm leaving.
the next twenty minutes were filled with him telling me i'm gonna be late for work
and why aren't i getting ready.
all this because the fucking asshole couldn't no no ..wouldn't give me a fucking hug.
after having a long hard day at work.
he just couldn't be bothered.
i explained how bad it was.and how i was tired and just needed a hug and he couldn't even bother himself to give me that.
and apparently showing any emotion = weakness.
well fuck that.
i'm gonna be sad when something hurts me and i'm gonna cry when it really hurts.
i'm not gonna be a fucking android and have nothing come out of me but work.
geez marissa what a horrible choice you made this time
-m

sing.

things are going well with work.
but the mood swings at home are more than i can bear.
some days i feel like things are completely different ..
only to have this hope shattered in the hours to come.
yesterday morning he was video chatting on my laptop with his exgirlfriend.
i went a bit crazy..
not saying a whole lot or yelling but quickly showering and then leaving but not before calling him a fucking asshole as i left.
making perfectly sure she could here me as i left slamming the door with perfect anger.
i was fuming shaking from so much anger.
i didn't know where to go or what to do..
and found that i ended up at the lincoln park zoo.
just walking .
paying attention for several minutes to each animal.
watching the swans longing for a simpler time.
thinking about how if it is me.?.
am i just never satisfied?.
am i always waiting for this perfect romance and person to come sweep me off my feet.
i end up so wrapped up in what i want that i don't notice what i have.
is that what happened with manuel.
i know i'm at a different place in my life right now.
and i wonder if i was here earlier if we would still be together.
i know i probably shouldn't think these things but i can't help it.
i ended up going back to the apartment.something like two hours later..
i walk up the stairs feeling my anger building with each step.
open the door to find him watching movies on my laptop still.
he starts asking me where i've been and what i did.
now he cares?.
i'm just so frustrated with the whole thing.
we ended up having a great day..
well sort of .
i feel like he never really is present and it's hard to connect with him when he's not there.
i hate that i'm dating my father.
he acts like i don't have the right to be tired at the end of the day because he works more hours than i do.
what do you mean you're tired?.
what did you work 8 hours today?.
i did 10..
"you don't have the rights on being tired".
as much as i want it to be better.
i'm feeling so exhausted.
i've never wanted to come home more.
and i haven't once said that since i got here..
i just miss people and i hate to admit this as well but my mother.
i still haven't told her.
and i still plan on moving out.
im just looking forward to leaving and hopefully finding some solace in being alone and
maybe eventually finding some love that will last longer than a season.
-m