born this way

holy fucking shit.
a bit to much
she looks beautiful as always but a bit to much.
so i called the bank they will be sending me out a new card within the week.
and i am going to continue searching for my wallet.
wish me luck
-m

sex reminds her of eating spaghetti

so there is abunch of shit going on inmy life.
you know how bad things happen in threes?.
well i'm on two right now hopefully three will be insignificant enough that i wont notice it.
i lost my wallet.
left it in a cab .
i was drunk at the time so i can't remember the cab number or anything like that.
so now.
i'm scrambling.
i need to cancel my bank card so hopefully they will send me another one.
and with that hopefully i can geta new i.d. card.and from there i dunno we will. see.
just talking about it.
i can feel my stress level rising.
my whole body gets shaky and scared and nervous.
i'll be able to handle this.
but i need to get passed the fear of it all.
and come at a standing of an adult.
i don't have anyone here to help me.
so i have to figure out my shit.

mountains beyond mountains

so my grandmother passed away.
i'm trying really hard not think about the impact she had on my life
because if i do i start crying and getting emotional so i'm throwing myself into work and strong arms .
and this song though not necessarily relevant is as beautiful as she was.
and i'll do my best to make her proud.
-M

let it sway

the cults-go outside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHhEBqRTXdk&feature=related
so it wont let me post the video today which could be a problem if this persists.
but today.
is a song new to me really but i love it already.
so happy and pop-ey.
and it makes me want to motivate myself to actually go outside and just be.
i love how music can alter moods.
-M

so

i wanna post more on here .
so i've decided to do a project where.
i'll try to post some music on here of what i'm listening to
so my mood is conveyed or you know
songs of the day..
so today.
and i will tell the story of this.


this song .
is called
no children by the mountain goats.
ive listened to it dozens of times.
not necessarily because its my favorite or anything like that .
and while i do have a new found love for the mountain goats that isn't it either.
the thing is .
chef loves them but never really had any complete albums just mixes
so we would listen to this song in the kitchen fucking over and over and over again..
and i mean its amazing.
but i think he's the type of guy if i hung out with.
he could either show me some amazing music or completely kill some bands for me.
either way enjoy!.
-M

so i vented to chris last night.
i really didn't want to since that means i'm letting him in even more so.
but the point isn't the boy its the emotions i'm feeling.
not about him but in general.
i was on the bus yesterday and i was listening to up the wolves by the mountain goats.
and i started thinking again about my childhood.
why is it the moment i move out on my own and i'm living for myself that all these memories start haunting me.?.
i had this incredibly strong urge to call up my step father and thank him.
thank him for always being there and never tying me up to a door or bed like my mom's fiance before him did.
and i just have so much anger inside of me.
and its one of those things where its like
if i express it whats the worst that can happen?.
but my brain doesn't work that way it doesn't think of the actual consequence but the idea that all life will stop if i disobey what is acceptable.
i hate that i work that way.
i need to let go more.
i am a giant ball of stress and anxiety.
and i hate it.
i hate being so fucking weird. and quiet.
-m

" it's a lovely idea you know that you're captaining a ship and you hear the song of the siren in the rocks and you know that to turn your ship towards the rocks is very dangerous but the heart says "fuck the rocks" the head says "but we'll all die" the heart says "poetically"- glen hansard

V-day

my hands look like i've massacred people.
we did a valentines weekend which will continue tonight.
and i worked with various red items like blood oranges, pomegranates, and beets.
so yeah my hands are worn down to shit.
which i rather enjoy though i mean .
i don't love the look of them.
but i do love that they look unique and it gives them character
so i have no plans with any sweetheart tonight.
and i don't plan on it.
but work is well.
its alexi's last real night tonight which should be interesting.
i think they are all going out for booze but i kind of feel like passing.
but will probably get sucked into going
meh.
so my official grad date is something like
may 21 ..
so will try to be out for a few days maybe like a long weekend.
and things i wanna do when i get home.
hmmm.
-visit mama and eduardo
-hit up homies and get a bit drunk.
-go to actual graduation
-IN-N-OUT!!!!
-maybe beach.. (i never went often enough back home but now i really miss it)
-Pinks would be nice.
-and hitting up the troubadour would be nice.
either way as marcella puts it .
it would be a time to rage..
-m
any other ideas on what to do when i'm out there?.

at the laundrymat right now.
took a bit of a walk to get here but that's only because of the snow..
so happy to finally have clean clothes well at least almost clean they aren't done yet.
i'll have to come here in the middle of the night though..
i mean
30 percent off of all the machines between midnight and 5
sounds good.
things are going well with work.
but my head chef.
well.
he's not as involved with everyone as he should be.
i mean.
i ask the sous chef something and its like
huh?.
i dunno.
and i'm like wtf.
chef should tell sous everything so that sous can tell us .
thats the chain of command.
instead who knows wtf chef is doing half the time he doesn't tell anyone .
and god only knows wtf happened on sunday night.
because when we came in.
the rice cooker was gone
everything was in shambles
no prep lists were made
and no produce order was put in .
i mean wtf.
i don't know whats gonna happen but shit is gonna get crazy in the next couple of days.
with valentines day coming up i mean..
we have special menus that start being served on friday and we still don't know the menus,,
ugh
-M

so my purple hair is growing on me while i continue to ruin towels
and i have another date with chris coming up.
and while i adore the boy.
i plan on going out for coffee with a new boy named kyle..
i'm trying really hard not to get attached to soon.
so .
there is that.
work was harsh yesterday but completely needed.
i mean.
10 hours.
it felt so long.
my station is completely fucked as far me understanding it right now.
everything is so new.
and it sucks .
i mean it works but it sucks and i hate that i'm so short that i have to strain everytime to reach my shit.
so i'm running low on clean stuff.
i feel like i never appreaciated the washer and dryer i had back home
because now i realize how incredibly useful it was.
so i'm feeling like a dirty punk indie rock nerd..
drinking at night
dying my hair crazy colors.
stomping through snow in my docs.
living on my own.
spending far to much time and money on what i listen to rather than what i need
i guess this is the life i always wanted but was to afraid to have.
so i think i'm gonna go and get myself an illinois id card..
i think its time especially since i hate getting the look like my california one is fake everytime they see it.
like..
hmmmm
and then they let me in.
so rediculous.
anways i'm off to work in a little while hopefully today goes better than yesterday.
-m

lusting lavander

that is the official color of my new hair..
not to bad huh?..
i sorta dyed my forehead a couple of times.
so the story for today ..
i went to work and got about a block away when i get a text from my head chef telling me to take the day off.
FUCK...lol
wtf do i do with myself now?.
so i hung out at starbucks with the wifi
enjoying myself.
and then headed to see my blue valentine in lakeview
i'll while holding my breath praying i don't run into alejandro which i mean the odds were so fuckign slim
but thats the last thing i would want.
so i watched blue valentine and was torn apart inside
i mean i enjoyed the film and all..
but it was difficult..
because it brought back these memories i haven't thought of in years ..
of my father and mother together.. fighting throwing things arguing
and living through that .
its strange because when i was around the two of them i never thought about it .
but being here on my own..
i think about how it affected me quite often.
so i head out of the theatre practically in tears because this imagery is all in my head.
and i mean i was laughing at things right outside of the theatre though..
i mean..
the movie really effected me..
and i heard these other girls talking on my way to the bathroom saying something like.
"well i really liked ryan goslings giving tree tattoo in the movie"..
and i'm like
really?.
really?
thats what you are thinking about right now..
btw
if you haven't heard of this then you should have.
http://fuckyeahryangosling.tumblr.com/
its hilarious .
but still.
so i walk out take my buses toward home but after the first its freezing bus isnt' coming yet .
so i take some time walking about wallgreens
just really not knowing what i'm looking for.
reach for some eggs but every carton has broken ones.
so i leave it alone.
look for blank cds they don't have any.
so i just start walking down the aisles not sure what i'm looking for .
end up down the hair products see a box of lusting lavander and i can't help myself
especially since it comes with its own pack of peroxide and bleach..
i know what i'm doing when i get home!.
so i buy it and while on my second bus ride i'm contemplating food.
i'm starving haven't eaten any thing all day.
and so i head over to papa johns.
the only place that is super close to me and open even though it looks liek shit outside.
so i head in and end up having an organic kidn of cool conversation
with this random girl.
named stephanie
from new york who is pretty awesome.
and even while walking home i'm like
whoa.. how was i capable of that without scaring this girl away..
imean a girl i was able to have a conversation with and not repulse her.
that is rare..
so we exchanged names numbers with the promise of texing and hanging out
i made a potential friend
OMG.
i am so happy about it.
so i go home .
gorge myself..
then spend the next three hours or less ..
dying my hair.
which came quite awesome.
so yeah
bed time almost three and i'm still not asleep very bad news..
hope you enjoy the hair
-M

the snow here is unbearable
we got like 20 inches 3rd worst snowstorm in chicago history.

on top of that when it was crazy as balls outside there was also thunder and lightening..

apparently that is a rarity..

i wouldnt know..

my california blood is starting to curl at the thought of going outside..

i don't mind the snow but i mean this is a bit to much..

so most likely i will have work today but there is that chance..

so i've been out to cicero twice already..
visiting chris..
i met his friends and mother yesterday..
i find myself telling him things that i'm not sure if i should.
i don't want his perception of me to change but also i don't want him to have a specific perception of me in general.
all i know right now is that i do love spending time with him.
and i love talking to him.
*******
so i'm getting sick.
just discovered it this morning.
woke up and one of my tonsils was grossly larger than the other..
so time to step up getting better into overdrive.
*******
so my brother flew out to see my grandmother..
i don't think i wrote about this here.
but shes been sick for a while now and they've/she's decided that
she's going to go on hospice, which means they won''t give her any more blood.
which means she has about a week.
it's hard when i tell someone and they are like.. well are you going to go home?.
and i mean i would love to but i can't..
and i spoke to my mother.
and some of the things she said drove me a little nuts and i know she's only trying to help.
she told me to pray for her.
i really don't want to pray i want to be closer and i can't
she told me that she was a good grandmother and she loved me.
and i say she loves me she not dead yet and she was the best grandmother i could of ever asked for.
and what i didn't say which i felt like saying .
was she was there when you weren't she took care of us while you were off doing god knows what.
but i don't say that..
i bite my tongue.
and say yeah i know yeah i know.
repeating that its hard right now because i'm so far away and i'm not trying to think about it.
but its all i can think about.
so when i did speak to my grandmother .
it was immensely difficult.
especially
that as soon as she got on the phone she was crying and wailing and i didn't know what to do.
but listen
and then finally i had all these emotions running forward.
like this could be the last time i speak to her.
i have to tell her... i have to tell her.
so ..
i let go.
and told her i wouldn't be the person i am today without her and that she shaped who i was and made me so much better ...
that without her and the love and affection she surrounded me with i would be in such a mess and i just started crying and i couldnt handle it..
and i felt like crawling into a ball ..
because i have no one here.
and its so hard sometimes.
i mean i've always been somewhat alone.
when i was younger and mom was messed up and dad was a workaholic.
and then when dad and i moved out on our own and he was gone all the time.
never gave a shit about me or what i did.
i was alone..
and now i mean.
its funny its the first time i actually feel any real control over my life..
and i'm alone.. again.
so i told her how much i loved her and we said goodbye.
************
-M