so i made a bunch of foccacia bread today ..
and by a bunch i mean a fucking bunch..
like four full sheet trays full when the recipe .
only makes 1/4th of a sheet tray..
so i had to do math..lol it's been awhile..very simple but you know.
..
so ..
oregon..
..i went out on a date yesterday..
a fantastic one ..
i hope i see more of him.
i tend to try to move to quickly and i don't know if that's because of alejandro or what because it felt like alex and i were racing so hard to get to the finish and then we were done...
but ..
his name is stuart alden.
alden being his middle name.
he's 21 tall very midwestern handsome vegetarian and a complete hipster if i've ever seen one..
he knows all the best music and is beyond sweet.
i really adore him and i hate that i do because i don't know him very well still
so date.
we went to a cafe connected to a grocery store adn talked there for hours but i mean it wasn't that easy..
when i first met with him.
it was so akward.
i mean sweet and comfortable akwardness.
i felt like i was sixteen again ..
stealing glances and hands brushing .
so we went for coffee... i had a hot chocolate he had a latte.
are drinks didn't arrive for at least an hour which was strange but i mean ..
we couldn't help but not notice. we were to silly.
i mean i tried to get him to talk at times and it always started out..
so ...oregon..
because he had spent time there.
but we never got to far past that..
i mean.. we would end up looking into eachothers eyes and it was like this strange game we didn't know we were playing.
like the first to look away loses.
so after a while we noticed the coffee wasnt at our table so i went ot ask..
knowing he was looking at me as i walked away.
i came back and mentioned it..
and he said something like..
was it that obvious?..
to which i replied oh i didn't know i just assumed..
but thank you for reassuring me.
our feet brushed up against eachothers..
he took me to navy pier..
which is tourist central we walked down to the edge to stare over the frozen water..
and he kissed me.
very romantic.
at least i think so.
after ward realizing hours had past and we hadn't eaten anything.
we headed over to argo cafe.
and had green tea and mixed grain salads.
i had lentil he had brown rice and tomatoes.
we sat there and talked about..
lack of meat, music, past relationships, movies, food and more food.
he said my passion was what made me most attractive.
he can make me blush like no one ever has.
so after that small meal didn't fill us up.
we went back to my place..*wow that's awesome to say*
and i ordered a pizza and we watched the go-getter and cuddled on the couch.
i heard him play guitar as well.
he's quite talented.
and i expressed to him my fears.
and why i'm anxious to take this slow.
and he told me on the spot that we should plan a second date.
that made me feel at ease and smile.
so .
monday is the second date.
movie and i'm going to cook for him.
it's exciting to cook for someone again.
i don't mean that in a way that well i get that i'm trying to take this slow.
but firsts. are nice.
so ..
we will probably see somewhere.
the sofia coppola film and come back to my place where i'll make ratatouille and possibly soup and a rice pudding for dessert..
*************
this weekend is going to be really busy at the restaurant.
i was supposed to be off today but chef had me come in and make all that bread.
which he stated..
wow really good fucking bread .
way better than mine.
i dunno why i always look at authority as this all knowing being.
because that's the way i saw him and still sorta do at times.
like of course he knows he's the chef.
but the truth is he didn't go to school
and never made bread before.
he's learned from his jobs.
which i respect greatly..
but it seems more and more like you need some sort of degree in order to really make it.
less room for self taught in certain aspects not to say it can't happen .
but to say it's less seen these days and more rare.
-M
p.s. i'll try to post more photos of everything..

So.
i'm at my new place..
my roomate super cool.
but gone.
lol
he left for christmas holiday for somethign like a week and a half..
he's originally from mississippi so he talks nice and slow.
really sweet guy his girlfriend seems really cool to.
they are both film grad students i think she doesn't live here but stays here a couple nights a week.
my room is small adn under a staircase..lol.
it's aduplex.
so i feel a little harry potter esque.
but its my own room at my own place and i couldn't be more happy..
things are just.
going well.
it's a great feeling being paid and on my own..
i finally feel like fresh start brand new life..
feel so full of hope.
i can take care of myself despite what my grandmother might think.. *but that's a different story*
so ..
i'll mention more on the date later that i had tonight that went really really well.
and well..
i have to be up early tomorrow to make a bunch of bread for the restaurant.though i'm not sure why he didn't just ask karolina are pastry chef to do it..
i think there is bad blood but oh well.
-m

have a date today can't breathe..

lol.

-m

p.s. will do official blog soon about new place and everything that is going on in my life right now..

cause it feels like there is a lot.

ugh need to focus

"why don't you just go home
i'm so sick of your fucking shit"
i believe these were the words my chef said to me today.
it's hard to really remember it happened so fast
we were messing around as we always are and
somewhere it got serious and i didn't realize it.
so i made a remark or hesitated or something
and got that reaction.
even after he said it i still wasn't sure.
it was only when my chef came up to me later that i realized he was serious before.
he said something about how he's usually a cool guy and how he sees himself a certain way and
that although we like to have fun that the kitchen is a serious place.
and that he should be respected and i shouldn't ask questions when he tells me to do something.
it's not the time.
i tried to explain how i was sorry and that i didn't realize but it didn't really help.
i fucked up today.
and i'm moving out tomorrow.
i'm to strange and weird of a person to get anyone to help me move.
i don't understand why i can never make any real lasting friends around here.
i'm to strange o f aperson to have lasting relationsips..
i don't know if i'll ever find anyone who truly understands that i am an individual and that i am different.
who actually thinks it's okay to be this way instead of seeing it as this curse..
i can't look at someone without staring.
and that is looked at weird several times.
i tend to take things in..instead of speaking.
i tend to say the wrong things anyway so why speak..
i'm severely fucked up from everything that has happened to me in my life.
and i can never seem to just settle and adjust..
everything including relationships seem like a chore..
i always have to change who i am and what i say and everything about myself in order
for people to view me as an equal and not a freak..
until then..
-m

so i'm getting out
i haven't told him yet.
i'm contemplating just taking off one day.
i found a place with a grad film student.
who's pretty cool.
from mississippi..
i think he said..
so.
there is that.
i'll be able to afford rent
it's right near the blue line my room isn't to bad.
i'm just so excited to get out.
this morning i locked the door when i went to take a shower.
and he yelled at me told me he needed to brush his teeth.
i told him i needed privacy and he said never to lock the door again.
i asked why?.
he said if ididn't it again he throw my fucking shit out.
..........
later he came in and half apologized and asked if i'd clean up the apartement and sign for some package.
..
fuck.
i'm so ready.
-m

logan square

looking at more places today tomorrow everyday..
until i find a place..
frustrated.
annoyed..
tired.
ugh..
so yeah.......
i spent the night somewhere else the other night.
and i was happy to.
reaffirms every reason why i should be out.
the guy in the picture below..
i spent the night with him.
he got me high.
my first time ever..
it was nice.
he's sweet and quiet.
and is so..well. i don't know.
different i suppose.
i laughed my ass off the next morning though when i looked at my phone and saw three missed calls from alex.
he can fuck himself.
i mean. he treats me so fucking horrible.
with all his little quips and bashes against my personality, dress, attitute..
and i'm supposed to want to leave a note or message..
i really didn't care.
i dunno.
i'm just so ready to get out.
and he has this notion in his head that i'm desperate to stay..
i don't want that.
yelling at me about doors being locked and how i shouldnt use my computer when he's trying to sleep because the clicking of the keys is keeping him up.
wtf..
i'm trying to find a way out of here and your now telling me to get off the computer.
and the next minute telling me how much you want me out.
fuck this.
-m

annabelle lee

so i'm in the process of moving out.

finding a place is difficult with all the factors involvedi mean.

a place no a room for somewhere between 300-450 .

close-ish to work.will settle on either 1 subway or a bus..

decent area where i won't get shot.

no deposit, no credit check

somewhere where i'll get along with people preferably my age..

\and not some creepers.

i dunno.

it's frustrating..

i feel like this past week..

well it feels like a year has past.

i dunno.

on top of it all i put up a personal add on craigslist.

stupid i know.

but i was just lonely and needed to talk to someone.

so this guy responded well truthfully quite a few guys responded and some creepier than others but i mean i dunno.

this guy..

well i'll show you.

nothings happened i won't let it till i'm out..

that would just be wrong..

not that he's innocent.. he = alex.. dunno.

just frustrated tired and ready to sleep easy in a bed somewhere else.

so he left his computer open.
and i found out i've been being lied to way more than i thought.
he tells his exgirlfriend he loves her still and he sent her money presumably for a plane ticket because the lying bitch is coming out here i suppose it's fitting because he's a lying asshole.
i don't think he ever loved me.
i just think he used me as a distraction or maybe revenge..
i'm not sure.
i just wish i wasn't fooled so easily.
she got a tattoo for him or some shit like that.
he got a laptop for her..
i would never ask him for money.
and he wanted me to clean up the apartment today..
all while giving me a time limit to get my ass out.
oh the kicker..
he told her he wants her here when his mother comes and visits.
yeah .
i'm old news.. i'm not worth shit in his eyes.
i'm just a person to lie to.
-m