new again.

there is no going back now.

.:falls into her ipod:.

-M

stupid fucking knot in the pit of my stomach..
UGH FUCK!!!!!!.
my brain is stuck on repeat..
while tonight was fun..
it felt a bit forced.
i hate that.
fuck fuck fuck......
shit shit shit...
i don't want a facade..
i want reality..
i'll strive for it until there is nothing else i can do..
i hate that right now i am a fucking indecisive wreck..
i wanna be alone so bad right now.
but the more i am alone the more insane i go in thought...
fuck....
-M.
p.s. the cursing helps.

new color.

my tonsils are finally starting to improve..
i started taking ichinacea maybe that's why.
not to mention everything else i've been on.
tonight is 500 days of summer and i am beyond excited..
omg..yay.
i don't wanna wait another month.
i'm going with manuel although i really didn't want to at the moment but i am looking foreward to tonight.
maybe we'll stop by that russian bakery
or if the movie falls through for one reason or another..
with i'm praying it won't
but if it does.
warpaint is having a free show at amoeba..
so theres that.
also.
yesterday jenny and i hung out and she was really awesome
and dyed my hair..
i needed something new for the summer.
but it came out a bit more red than i would of liked.
i wanted it orange like last summer but i guess i can always go back..
even other colors if i want..
i'm thinking maybe blue next but i'm not entirely sure..
i just really miss the orange..
i read mandarin and thought oranges.
so picked it out..
next time definately coral red.

what do you think??..

so i found about this new project conor oberst has with m.ward and two other guys called monsters of folk. their first album comes out in the fall. i find it more and more strange that all these really awesome artists are joining forces and creating new music..i.e. broken social scene, the bens, and now monsters of folk. it's exciting that's all.

anyways.. i'm off for now....

-M.

so that is my shitty looking tonsil..

i wouldn't mind it so bad if i could breathe through my nose more proficiently.

or at least if i would start to get better.

i've reached like a plateau of crappiness

and then boom i get my period..

wtf world.

karmic retribution much?.

i feel like a fucking yo yo anymore.

i feel sleepy but i don't want to sleep

hungry but unwillling to eat.

i went to amoeba the other night.

it was nice.

i probably should of stayed in but i picked up

langhorne slim-self titled

lisa Hannigan-see sew

and

gregory and the hawk-moenie & kitchi

as well as an amoeba bag

yes that indeed was nice.

i was listening to death cab last night.

i had forgotten how much i truly love them.

even the new stuff.

i know it was pretty big on the radio for a while but i simply love i will possess your heart.

the complete version actually.

the first 4 minutes of instrumental are just haunting.

anyways.

i'm gonna make some more tea.

-M

p.s. and try to figure out what to do about thursday.

i passed.

well okay not at first..
i took it missed 7 (wtf?)
almost cried and they said you can come back right away if you wanna take it again showed manuel the test went right back in there and passed ... only missed 1 the second time.
go me.
-M.

wish me luck.

i'm taking my permit test....
today..
then i can start practicing and not worry about it..
and i better get my license soon though while i still have this frame of mind.
i took some practice tests on line there are like five tests of around 10-12 questions each and i only missed like 3 questions out of all of them so i'm hoping i'll do okay..
what to where inthe fucking picture..
shit.
-M..

a day full of romantic comedies,tea, and feeling like shit.

right now it looks as though i'm choking on a dinner mint..
you know the white ones with the red lines..
but opposite..red tonsil white lines..
it just basically means they're infected which fucking blows..
i just feel like shit basically..
i'm trying to rid myself of my mouth breathing ways.. and having a hard time at it..
ugh..
fucking post nasal drip
all i've been having all day is tea and water.
i don't wanna eat anything i don't wanna risk puking.
and i just found out that this thing on my tonsils could be a certain kind of stone which grosses me out hxc.
it says i can push on it with q-tips and hope my gag reflux doesn't kick in and it might push itself out.
oh so gross. no way. i'm assuming it's just puss.
okay i can't write about this anymore i think i'll actually puke.
manuel and i are sorta kinda not having the best time right now..
my doing.
i don't wanna say we are broken up. because nothing is official.
but i'm trying to breathe and work on myself.
this has to be karma
i'm sick because of what i've done.
let the self pity begin..
fuck.
-m

land locked blues

i don't feel to well right now..
my mind/heart is running a mile a minute..
i have to write down my thoughts especially since i can't directly share them with anyone.
so if this entry is vague please don't hate me for it.
i'm having a hard time deciding what's right or what i want to do about the situations i'm in.
i want to be more independent but i find myself being held back. not only by certain others but by myself.
i didn't want to ever become the person i am today but somehow here i am.
indecisive, messy, insomniac wreck that is me.
i have all these ideas swarming my brain that i can never get out.
i'm terrified of making any real decisions because i know whatever happens good or bad. i'll have to live with them.
i keep saying to myself don't worry so much ..
control the small things and work your way up.
i feel like i'm running out of time and i'm only 21.
how did i end up here?
whatever decisions i make now will affect me in the immediate future.
which scares me ..
i fear change..
but change is constant and inevitable
manuel and i fought today.
about one thing or another.
and then he told me some time during the day that he wanted to take care of me..
and i hated him for that.
when did i become this completely dependent person?
how did i convince myself that this was okay..??..
shit.
fuck.
i've been screaming into my pillow much more often lately.
things have to change.
and i'm the only one who can do it.
i am in love. how long will this last?.
-m