we're all in this together.

so .
i'm currently in the process of looking for a second job.
on top of that ..
my fear level has risen and dropped in the past few weeks.
my lease is up soon.
and i might be making a huge mistake but mistakes are part of life.
and i must take a chance.
you can all say you told me so like last time i'm sure.
but i'm needing to write this out.
i may be a hopeless romantic and try to see the best in people.
but i'm moving in with joshua.
my lease is up at the end of august and we are moving in together .
i was terrified but my panic has been eased.
and things feel much better.
he's brilliant..and i hope i continue to see that in him.
there is love between us and hope i haven't had hope like that in quite some time.
so to see it again is a wonderful thing .
and as i bang this words out on this keyboard i'm realizing more and more .
that i'm happier than i have been in quite some time.
so .
my mother and stepfather know about this and not much else.
i still need to tell my father but i'm dreading that just a bit.
because we don't talk about much as it is.
and well.
i hate to hear his opinion i'm much more of the type to just go with something
take forever to a couple of seconds to make my decision and then tell everyone else about it and let them make up their minds about it.
i'm not sure what this says about me but yeah.
i've been reading a book on codependence and its been helping as well.
makes me realize its okay to feel certain things.
so this rant which didn't start out as a rant but is feeling more and more like one.
well .
yeah.
also .
i will be seeing death cab in august and as the date approaches i'm more and more excited.
so i will take tons of photos and make sure to post them.
-m
p.s. i have to keep reminding myself to call my mother.
it shouldn't be that way.
i must stay active in my personal relationships and not become enclosed in just myself.
also i must begin to crochet again i miss that.

life over here in chicago is going well.
i have a boyfriend who loves me .
and i'm going to meet his family this weekend which will be interesting enough.
my loans are coming in but it shouldn't be anything i can't handle.
i'm currently the pastry chef at the place i'm at .
want to look for another side part time job just to dip my feet into .
there are issues here and there but nothing to serious yet.
i miss my grandmother constantly.
its hard when i think about her and get photos but i couldn't be there.
my mom isn't well right now but we won't know more until a couple of weeks .
so id rather not go into it to much.
until then.
i bought death cab for cutie tickets so i'll be going to that in august.
the weather out here is the most bizarre thing i've seen in quite sometime.
but i'm sure that can't be helped.
so i'm going into work in a few and i'll be making.
faccacia
cheesecake
dehydrating more cookies
lots of ice cream.
and plenty more probably first the ice cream though.
we've become really low on the ice cream.
should be fine though i doubt we have many people on tonight.
i have to start photographing my desserts more though.
we also get watermelon in today which is exciting.
i just dont know what to do with it yet.
i should suggest the grilled version of that but i mean.
thats probably not what he wants.
fuck i'm annoyed but i'll vent later don't really have time for it now.

girls.

so i'm back.
and life was good in california well sorta not really but lets see.
so i got to go to the beach for a couple of hours with was awesome.
but the whole time my cousin was giving me a hard time.
like come on lets go its getting warm i just wanted to lay out for two hours. just fucking relax..
not so much i get it though i mean he lives there and stuff.
he's growing up so fast though.
but some things about him kept kind of driving me crazy.
he's incredibly judgmental and critical.. and he's only seventeen.
he refuses to try new things and thinks hermosa is the best place in the world to live.
but i don't get it.
i mean he's never lived anywhere else so how could he know and i tried to explain that to him but he wasn't having it.
also he chooses to call my brother his big brother.
which drives me a little crazy.
i mean .
he hasn't seen him in like fuck at least 10 years and he acts like he still lives with him.
poor kid.
anyways the funeral.
a whole issue itself.
there was nothing really planned no one really said anything.
we got on a boat that my aunt rented with a bunch of family members that i haven't seen since i was super young.
and they all commented on my blue hair.
we worked our way out on to the open water.
and turned off the engine ..
swaying there back and forth my uncle started to speak but trailed off a bit.
it became painstakingly clear that no one planned any of this.
my aunt tried speaking shortly after then in the middle of it my grandfather just was like goodbye jean. and tossed her ashes over i was there with my brother he held me while we both sobbed.
i couldn't take it.
we tossed a dozen roses in the ocean and that was it.
the whole thing took less than ten minutes and they had months to plan this out..
if i had the chance yes i would of said something.
no one else was given the opportunity.
and so i just was so angry and then hurt i didn't want to leave her out there the water was cold and murky.
i wanted her someplace wherei could visit her.
but i know thats not what she wanted.
and i tried to bite my tongue and not be selfish.
but it was difficult afterward we made our way back to the shore and headed to my grandmother's brother's house danny.
it was much smaller than i remember..
but it was similar to what i remember.
kids running around all over the place.
music singing.
i missed it.
i made a point of telling my cousin and my brother on seperate occasions that its up to us next keeping the family together..
thats probably gonna be really difficult considering i'm in chicago andrew is in seattle and brett is in hermosa beach.
but i dunno.
thinking about it now makes me miss my family even more.
graduation was fine.
i had missed people and was thankful to not see certain people there.
but i guess that's a whole different thing,
either way.
i want to head back in december.
i hope i can.
-M

craziest night last night ever.
i ended up having to work all night because yo didn't come in.
and that sucked but whatever nine hours overtime.
so afterwork we headed over to dugans a local bar.
and i had my first irish car bomb..
chocolate milk so delicious.
anyways scary shit.
some one got really upset and stuck a french fry up someone elses nose and well.
a bloody nose occured.
which kept going and going.
it was a bit scary.
i wanted to cry for her guy came back well it was bizarre the whole night really.
i'm coming home on wednesday.
and its going to be awesome.
i need to call my father.
and talk to him.
though i'm not sure i want to.
but yeah.
get to hang out with my cousin.
then the next day.
memorial service.
makes me wanna cry.
but what are you gonna do you know?.
-m

four winds

life sucks currently and not really sucks but just not what i want or wanted or any of that.
ugh.
blows.
i'm stressing because i need to get home and it might not happen.
and and i'm stressing because this thing with josh is moving really fast.
and i don't know what to do with that.
i'm in a really awkward position.
and i hate it .
either way i'm going to myopic books right now wanna get something on raw food help me understand it better.
and also probably another vegan something or italian love italian then over to urban to make an impulse purchase check out the sale racks.
other than that who knows maybe reckless.
reckless is like the weakass version of amoeba here where its pretty nice but nowhere near as huge ..wait you know
bad comparision really its more like rhino.
definately rhino..
but i saw pete yorn at rhino.
but then again i saw tim kasher at reckless
so
they are equal in my eyes no good no bad just not enough selection.
either way.
i need to call my brother .
and then call my aunt till her the deal.
and see if all fails that i can just plan to go back home in a month or so .
rather then next week
if we can just hold the ticket for another date you know?.
when things are more settled i'm gonna hate everything so much though if i can't get home next week.
tears will be shed .
-M

party?

so i saw alejandro on the bus this morning
fml.
a small awkward smile came from him while i just looked at him and walked toward the back..
FML.
i hate that feeling the whole time onthe bus i couldn't concentrate.
just fucking flashes of how much i hated that small period in my life came rushing back..
FML.
i'm so happy to be in the position that i'm in right now.
and also.
i have been seeing that guy josh .
i'm starting to think i should cool it with him.
just slightly.
i don't want anything to happen like it happened with alejandro.
so.
we'll see.

bang bang

fuck this is gonna be really fucking close.
my social is coming hopefully monday..
tuesday i will head to dmv..
i hate this i hate how close this is
i'm not that person who waits till the last minute the stress is killing me.
ugh.
either way.
day off today not exactly sure what to do with the rest of it.
i did get a new tattoo.
i'd like to show it to you but i'm not gonna take my sweater off in the middle of a starbucks. so i'll give you a link.
or well.
the photo the artist took when he finished.

what do you think?.
its on my ribs which was a bitch.
and i ended up giving myself a bruise on my arm. because i needed something to bite down on.
but then when i put on my music i was fine.
either way wish me luck..
with that luck i will try to make it home in exactly two weeks.
fuck i hope this works
-M