need to get over my lack of self confidence.
i know i have the strength to do everything i want to.
i just need to get the courage to call.
why i have phone fright is beyond me.
but i've never been good at it.
and it doesn't help that mary my career advisor is jumping up my ass about it.
i'm just nervous and i need to get over it.
-m

so the pain is finally gone.
but the embarassment is still there.
i called my grandmother today.
and found out that not only her but my aunt and grandfather know
about alejandro and my mishap with the yeast and kidney infection.
and apparently it's all the buzz..
why in the hell my dad chooses now to but into not only my personal but also sex life.
is beyond me and why he's choosing to speak to his mother about it drives me up a wall.
now i have my grandmother in my ear talking to me about SIDS..
she means STDs.
but doesn't know the difference.
i need to seperate myself fromall of this quickly.
i'm staying with him.
i love him and i'm choosing to stay .
i've weighed all my options and i choose him.
if that makes me stupid then i guess i'll learn.
-m

my kidneys are feeling better or at least they were.
i took off running down the streets to get something
when i came back and sat down they ached bad.
so i took my pain medication and we'll see.
life is going ok..
i'm getting better with my spanish.
and class is well but i'm becoming more and more tired.
looking for places in chicago is a lot easier than looking for an internship there.
but i plan on calling more so i'll be alright.
so tired.
my dad is upset with me.
but he's more upset because he thinks my sex life is the direct cause of my sickness.
and it could be but that's not even what he's upset about.
what he's more upset about is that he had to pay for my hospital bill.
which to him is completely fucked up.
and to me well i dunno.
he doesn't listen to me.
i've become my brother when it comes to my father. no relationship.
-m

she wasn't lying.
Fuck My Life!

so i am sick.
i was at a family gathering things were going well.
cooking conversing games and such.
and i start shaking
and not normal shakes either..
scary shakes where i can't control my body i turned all clammy and gross so they set me up to go to the hospital.
the walk in urgent care was closed so we headed to the emergency room.
and they took me in and hooked me up to an iv for which now i have a huge bruise on my arm. which looks like death or maybe i'm just over exaggerating
they had me in that bed for like two hours before they told me i had a kidney infection
before they even put the i.v. in i was like no mom go get alejandro
half crying half pouting ..
no i want alejandro..
i was so scared and my mom on her phone the whole time telling me to calm down wasn't exactly helping.
life is going well ish..
i'm starting to think my father is into more
than just marijuana or at least that is what its starting to feel like..
he'll be gone till saturday.
he was more upset at the fact that he was being billed for my affliction that me actually being sick and gross.
i told him. dad i just got back from the hospital i have a kidney infection
oh..sorry..
as he talks on the phone and goes back to his conversation
but dad they are going to bill you for the visit..
what?.. why?..i don't understand..if your.....nevermind..
and he goes back again to his conversation..
i go upstairs and go to sleep..
wow i love my relationship with my father.
-M