have a date today can't breathe..

lol.

-m

p.s. will do official blog soon about new place and everything that is going on in my life right now..

cause it feels like there is a lot.

ugh need to focus

"why don't you just go home
i'm so sick of your fucking shit"
i believe these were the words my chef said to me today.
it's hard to really remember it happened so fast
we were messing around as we always are and
somewhere it got serious and i didn't realize it.
so i made a remark or hesitated or something
and got that reaction.
even after he said it i still wasn't sure.
it was only when my chef came up to me later that i realized he was serious before.
he said something about how he's usually a cool guy and how he sees himself a certain way and
that although we like to have fun that the kitchen is a serious place.
and that he should be respected and i shouldn't ask questions when he tells me to do something.
it's not the time.
i tried to explain how i was sorry and that i didn't realize but it didn't really help.
i fucked up today.
and i'm moving out tomorrow.
i'm to strange and weird of a person to get anyone to help me move.
i don't understand why i can never make any real lasting friends around here.
i'm to strange o f aperson to have lasting relationsips..
i don't know if i'll ever find anyone who truly understands that i am an individual and that i am different.
who actually thinks it's okay to be this way instead of seeing it as this curse..
i can't look at someone without staring.
and that is looked at weird several times.
i tend to take things in..instead of speaking.
i tend to say the wrong things anyway so why speak..
i'm severely fucked up from everything that has happened to me in my life.
and i can never seem to just settle and adjust..
everything including relationships seem like a chore..
i always have to change who i am and what i say and everything about myself in order
for people to view me as an equal and not a freak..
until then..
-m

so i'm getting out
i haven't told him yet.
i'm contemplating just taking off one day.
i found a place with a grad film student.
who's pretty cool.
from mississippi..
i think he said..
so.
there is that.
i'll be able to afford rent
it's right near the blue line my room isn't to bad.
i'm just so excited to get out.
this morning i locked the door when i went to take a shower.
and he yelled at me told me he needed to brush his teeth.
i told him i needed privacy and he said never to lock the door again.
i asked why?.
he said if ididn't it again he throw my fucking shit out.
..........
later he came in and half apologized and asked if i'd clean up the apartement and sign for some package.
..
fuck.
i'm so ready.
-m

logan square

looking at more places today tomorrow everyday..
until i find a place..
frustrated.
annoyed..
tired.
ugh..
so yeah.......
i spent the night somewhere else the other night.
and i was happy to.
reaffirms every reason why i should be out.
the guy in the picture below..
i spent the night with him.
he got me high.
my first time ever..
it was nice.
he's sweet and quiet.
and is so..well. i don't know.
different i suppose.
i laughed my ass off the next morning though when i looked at my phone and saw three missed calls from alex.
he can fuck himself.
i mean. he treats me so fucking horrible.
with all his little quips and bashes against my personality, dress, attitute..
and i'm supposed to want to leave a note or message..
i really didn't care.
i dunno.
i'm just so ready to get out.
and he has this notion in his head that i'm desperate to stay..
i don't want that.
yelling at me about doors being locked and how i shouldnt use my computer when he's trying to sleep because the clicking of the keys is keeping him up.
wtf..
i'm trying to find a way out of here and your now telling me to get off the computer.
and the next minute telling me how much you want me out.
fuck this.
-m

annabelle lee

so i'm in the process of moving out.

finding a place is difficult with all the factors involvedi mean.

a place no a room for somewhere between 300-450 .

close-ish to work.will settle on either 1 subway or a bus..

decent area where i won't get shot.

no deposit, no credit check

somewhere where i'll get along with people preferably my age..

\and not some creepers.

i dunno.

it's frustrating..

i feel like this past week..

well it feels like a year has past.

i dunno.

on top of it all i put up a personal add on craigslist.

stupid i know.

but i was just lonely and needed to talk to someone.

so this guy responded well truthfully quite a few guys responded and some creepier than others but i mean i dunno.

this guy..

well i'll show you.

nothings happened i won't let it till i'm out..

that would just be wrong..

not that he's innocent.. he = alex.. dunno.

just frustrated tired and ready to sleep easy in a bed somewhere else.

so he left his computer open.
and i found out i've been being lied to way more than i thought.
he tells his exgirlfriend he loves her still and he sent her money presumably for a plane ticket because the lying bitch is coming out here i suppose it's fitting because he's a lying asshole.
i don't think he ever loved me.
i just think he used me as a distraction or maybe revenge..
i'm not sure.
i just wish i wasn't fooled so easily.
she got a tattoo for him or some shit like that.
he got a laptop for her..
i would never ask him for money.
and he wanted me to clean up the apartment today..
all while giving me a time limit to get my ass out.
oh the kicker..
he told her he wants her here when his mother comes and visits.
yeah .
i'm old news.. i'm not worth shit in his eyes.
i'm just a person to lie to.
-m