the "feel good" revolution

my boots came in..
i was waiting forever for them.
so now i am the proud owner of bergundy doc martens.
that go up to mid calf.
they are awesome
but so much heavier than i'm used to.
so my feet tend to feel dragged down.
but i haven't really worn them out yet so i guess i'll have to.
and i went on another date.
this guy chris.
who is so akwardly adorable i can't breathe.
but yeah very sweet guy
can't wait to get to know him better
and he seems genuinely interested.
so we went to a show at a place called subterranean
i had some lone stars which is like the cheap beer here.
which happens to be pretty damn good.
so we did that until like
midnight when the show ended pretty good bands btw.
currier and the island of misfit toys.
thats two bands.
that i particularly liked.
then he asked if i wanted to go home yet.
i said no.
so we headed out to a bar called the whistler.
and when we got in there was a band just finishing up.
each had a beer.
so he came over.
*amri stop judging*..
and he did spend the night.
but not to much happened.
lots of cuddling and kissing
and the next morning we went out for breakfast.
****************
so i was just browsing through photos and
felt all this emotion come rising up to the surface.
like
FUCK
i miss friends from back home.
i have these people here that i'm meeting but i mean
it's all meeting people with alterior motives and lets face it i mean i have those motives to.
i just wanna meet friends
no intentions of making out or anything like that.
just people to have a drink with or talk to or go to a show with.
instead of feeling this emptiness..
ugh.
i don't know.
just venting i suppose.
-M

okay so
my laptop currently says it is 1 degree in chicago..
fucking 1 fucking degree!
wtf did i get myself into..

i can feel myself falling into a certain state of mind again.
where it's not enough
where i'm addicted to these new feelings and thats all.
wherei can't sit still.
where the word more is all i can think about ..
i wonder if i do have "addict" genes.
being on my own is lonely
and the lonliness fills me up
and i get scared and a bit desperate at times
i'm gettin past these feelings.
but i know they are there
so i have trouble sleeping
and i end up online
on these sites.
which i mean i love the connection
it feels good.
but sometimes i worry that i'm to accepting of everyone.
i mean people like marcella are so fucking critical.
and i can be happy for a while at least around anyone..
which is right?.
i mean i can find attractive qualities in almost anyone.
and i don't know.
is that a good thing or a bad thing?.
ugh.
i feel lame.
-M

sliver

so.
stayed out late last night.
went to a punk show..
though the music really didn't matter.
i met up with a guy there.
his name is gilbert.
yeah i know
a punk from alabama that no longer wears his docs or mohawk.
but keeps his Dead Kennedy's shirt handy.
we got along very well.
had a few beers went out for late night mexican food at a 24hour place.
i had a lengua torta..
so much for trying vegan this year..
i will try eventually.
he had
chorizo con huevos..
and hearing a southern boy try to speak spanish.
is beyond fun.
his voice has that really nice twang to it.
but usually not overbearing like my roomates.
he informed me of my california accent as well.
so we will see where this one goes.
it should be interesting.
works okay.
little more stressful than usual.
but its workign out well.
a coworker informed me that they were leaving and i know this is gonna send my headchef into a tizzy when they do.
and we are gonna have to deal with that.
i mean.
its worth it i mean the position offered sounds amazing.
so there is no other choice.
but
i know we are gonna get shit.
he tends to be quite passive aggressive.
and he curses quite a bit while he's upset.
and i really can handle it .
i mean he hasn't cursed at me for awhile.
'but i try my best not to get on his bad side
which ends up feeling mor elike i'm walking on eggshells.
which is a whole different thing.
i don't know.
it's interesting to say the least.
-m

cheese danish

so i haven't blogged in a while.
but it's strange because the internet has become my home..
i mean.
there is never really a time when i'm not on..
unless i'm at work..
and then it's like as soon as i get home bam i'm on the internet once again.
even today i mean.
at&t switched our internet to somethin else or something so we lost connection last night up until maybe tonight
so i left for work early and am now at starbucks.. enjoying a carmel macchiato and cheese danish.
bad i know.
it's a sick addiction ..
whats an even worse addiction.
the people i meet and talk to via..
makeoutclub, okcupid, craigslist.. yeah it doesn't end.
i wish i had an easier time meeting people in an organic setting.
but alas.
for example.
i went to a show the other day..
and i mean.
it was a great show the bands two in paticular were fucking amazing.
but i mean i was lonely the music didn't help the lonliness just enhance it .
marcella says its easy to meet people..
especially girls.
just go up to someone and be like
"omg i love your shoes"
and strike up a conversation..
but i don't exactly look or act like taht kind of person.
unless well i know you..
ugh.
so
online people..
they are the best ..my kin..
i told marcella i've been meeting people online since i was 15..
which is more than true..
maybe that's just a habit i can't break..
i mena back in the day it was aol chat rooms.
but now..
social networking sites have taken over..
but i really don't mind.
it makes the screening easier.. at least to a certain degree.
i mean i don't talk to anyone i'm not comfortable i only give my fb out to people who seem cool.
its all harmless really..
but marcella. sees it as a huge game.
she took her okcupid account and had some fun with it..
made herself into a white power girl type of person..
and well did somethin a bit bad..
some guy started messaging her.
and gave her his number so she posted it on her profile saying she was DTF *down to fuck* any time and yeah.. wow..
that is bad.
i mean love her.. guys fuck with girls a lot and i mean anyone interested in a girl for purely sinister reasons and being a racist needs to be fucked with .
but i could never do something like that..
so yeah;.
i have a few people i'm talking to online right now.
stuart is still around of course..i still adore him..
but yeah.
there is also ricky.
nerdy tattooed musician in michigan.
bethany
tattooed 18year old who wants to be a midwife and smokes a lot of pot
chris
complete introvert who i share long messages with.
about anything and everything..
so the only one that has gotten serious out of these people is stuart..
and well yeah.
i don't mind..
i mean maybe i'll meet up with bethany because she is the closest and totally adorable.
and maybe if i don't end up with a makeout buddy i'll at least end up with a friend..
though i hate that that would be the way to meet friends.
with alterior motives you know?.
but i mean she is very cute..
and a complete nerd as well.
talks about how she want a tattoo of middle earth..
things are going well at work

talk of a promotion of sorts..
not a real promotion but a raise and more responsibility..
which i am excited about..
i mean .
what if i become the pastry chef at this restaurant.
i mean.
that's really fucking exciting
and i'm at a point in my life where i do want to be on the hot line.
but really i'll take what i can get because i'm so new..
the only problem with this is that..
like karolina.. i won't have anyone to look up to.
this will require me to really be creative myself. and explore what i can do and what facets i have inside of me.. to either create something new or just hone my skills when it comes to baking and pastries..
which excites me to no end..
so yeah..
-M
p.s. i need to learn how to make vegan pastries like cheese danishes and such..
especially since we have vegan cream cheese at work i mean fuck cheese danishes are fuckign awesome..

i'm dealing with the fact currently that
some relationships..
not necessarily couples.
are destined to be short sweet trysts..
and not commitments..
FUCK this feeling blows.

"stay out of trouble, stay in touch, try not to think about me too much".

why can't i shake this somber mood?.

i have a feeling that i'm gonna end up crying a bit on thursday..

not to much but just enough.

-m

life is bittersweet isnt it?.

well..

i knew he was only on break from school and now he's going back to finish up and then who knows.

it hurt..

a lot more than i thought it would ..

i didn't expect to get attached especially so quickly but i can't deny the connection

especially after the feeling of being used for quite a while it was nice to have that connection

someone who actually gets you.

i hope i get to continue seeing him.

even if only once in a while.

my heart aches.

-m

New Years Resolution.(s)

*to do my best not stress out about my body and weight and all that jazz.
*to explore the city more
*to visit home at least twice
*to make the place i'm staying now a home
*achieve line cook status
*to be smarter about love and the men i date
*make the transfer to vegan
*create starter/make more breads
*get back into the things i love that aren't cooking *crocheting, sewing, drawing*
*make actual friends and go out
*take better care of myself


this is all i have so far i'll add more if i need to.