my last post could of been about boys..
but it wasn't .
it was about family.
i went to visit my grandmother and grandfather.
i went with my aunt, uncle and cousin.
and on the way back ...all the while hating the life i was living ..
my aunt uncle, cousin and i went to eat.
and i thought this is what family could be.
and i missed it.
i wanted to be theirs.
i wanted brett to be my brother
and to have the family unit .
while slightly disfunctional is still functioning and loving.
and i wanted to die when i got home and heard my shmoozing some girl in his room to really loud music.
things will never be perfect.
if i want a better family it has to be my decision and has to start with me.
-m
p.s. i'm slowly starting to be happier with myself..
but my lack of confidence doesn't help my situation.

is it wrong to wish to be apart of something different..
or to wish to belong to someone else?.
is it wrong to want?.
-M

shit.

i'm falling for him..
way to fast..
what's a girl to do?
-m
p.s. please please please don't let me get fucked over.

heartbreak when lacking a heart.

i hung out with manuel yesterday.
probably a bad idea in hind sight.
i'll always love him.
but we tell eachother about what's going on in our love lives.
which is probably the worst thing we could tell eachother.
i told him about this new boy danny.
and he told me about courtney and robin.
and we were on the freeway.
and he told me he had hung out with courtney a week or so ago.
and that they had gone ice skating.
and i looked at him stayed quiet for about a second and then screamed out ..
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE"..
i didn't think it would hit me that hard.
but i had been wanting to go ice skating with him for the past five years..
it was always there in my head and now he makes time for it with this skanky 18 year old that just wants to be saved from her poor sad life.
yeah i'm a bitch. i know.
but it pissed me off.
not to mention taking robin to watts towers..
wtf..?.
i know we were together for quite a while but aren't there other things to do with these girls.
i'm just angry..
i don't know if i have a right to be. but i am.
it annoys me that he's treating these girls like this to.
letting one go down on him but not returning the favor..
okay.. thats more personal but wtf.
i dunno..
it feels like he's using them to a certain degree..
and he told me i was hitting below the belt when i talked about he's just trying to save us poor girls.
because i always felt it was like that for me..
that i was a project for him.
and now that's what these girls are ..
damaged, defenseless projects.
and also because i mentioned that it looked like robin was into girls.
and well his mom.is a sorta lesbian..
ok that was maybe a bit low.
but again i was angry..
*****************
i'm trying to take things slower with danny..
but.
he is coming over today.
and my dad isn't here
i'm bad, and lonely and pathetic..
and i need help.
-M

will be going to the comic book store next month on a monday or thursday just to see that nerd named chris who is absolutely adorable..
and extremely helpful.

first christmas gift.

i went out with a guy last night.
and he bought me this as a christmas gift because he knew i wanted it bad.

final.

Thank god it's over.
chef stopped me in the middle and told me i looked like i was going to throw up.
and i said no chef i'm fine..
all quiet and nervous like.
oye.
i know i didn't ace it.
stupid soup.
ugh.
stupid fish.
i feel like i kicked ass on my chicken roulade with port wine sauce.
yum.
damn fish. damn soup.
i'm thinking B..
that would be nice.
-M.

AMRI.

i cut my hair.
and i want to do a cute choppy emo cut in the back but i can't see the back and i don't want to cut the crap out of my hands and scalp with the razorblade..
help is needed
PLEASE?....
:(
-M

i met someone today.

i met a girl today..
my bad luck is she is probably straight.
but i was getting such a good vibe from her.
i dunno..
we'll see.
but i'm sure i'm in for a rude awakening.
i'm not entirely sure how to ask a girl if she's into seeing other girls without her looking at me funny..
oye.
it seems that alot of the people at the school are weirded out by that kind of thing but i don't see why. dunno.
-m

-p.s.
this is her.

she doesn't have the super cute haircut anymore.

but still..

hum.

dora makes everything better.

FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE
alone again
feel as used as ever.
kill me now.

OBSCENE PHONE CALLS ARE NEVER OKAY!!!!

She,she screams in silence.

he's over.
i'm sure now.
it will never be the way it was.
i should be happy.
at least i think i should.
but there is this huge emptiness that needs to be filled and i can't stand it.
i was listening to conor this morning and he sung a line that stuck with me.
"a heart just can't contain all of that empty space, it breaks"
i feel that.
and i feel like i'm trying to hard. but i'm unsure.
i feel incredibly sensitive anymore and bit of anything and i become unsure and paranoid.
i don't wanna be this person.
chef said in class today that i cook with nervousness and that i need to loosen up.
i believe that so much.
and i need to listen to her.
******************
i also am feeling things incredibly strong.
and i'm afraid it's to soon.
i'm not sure how to approach it.
i don't wanna seem needy or clingy
but i feel myself heading down that road.
******************
So i spoke to my mother last saturday we ended up hanging out .
it was pretty awesome most of the night i did open up to her
and i guess for her it was opening a can of worms.
she i guess didn't see it coming at all.
she also suggested i seek therapy.
FML.
i don't wanna do that.
i don't wanna be that person.
i don't think that there is anything wrong with me.
at least anything that i can't handle.
i'm trying harder and harder not to bottle things up and let them be spoken when felt.
the lonliness is harder to fix.
because i can't do much about it.
i can only talk to or call someone so much before becoming an annoyance or pain.
i'll see..
-M
p.s.
salmon today if you have a facebook check it out i'll be putting it up in a while.