fools rush in

i know many people disagree
but i think zooey is a dream.

cannibal queen

i couldn't be more in love with telekinesis right now.

music helps me find solace and i've realized
that i need to find healthier outlets for my frustrations.
so.
i will be looking for that.
-m

the gentlest gentleman.

i have an incredible amount of apathy right now.
i just feel like i've given all i've had .
and well there isn't much left.
i'll most likely get my second wind soon.
but i can't shake this depression that is taking hold of me.
i got to the point recently where i was just like please i just want everything to get better or i just want to go home.
i'm doing my best to stick it out.
but i still suck at finding my optimism .
that thing i used to hold in such high regard now just annoys me.
and i wonder where it went.
either way .
i'm trying my best to pull myself back up on my feet.
we will see how that works out.
chris said some mean things.
which he apologized later for but either way.
i don't know .
i just can't shake that rejected feeling .
so i'm gonna stop trying and just let myself be for a while.
i'm hoping this will heal myself.
from all this bullshit i've been dealing with lately.
-m

big wave

whenever i listen to
the jenny and johnny album.
i always always miss home.
the album quite a few of jenny's stuff even just embodies southern california
or at least in my opinion.
so
they are going to be holding a memorial service sometime either.
in april.
or in may when i come back home.
the plan is as of now.
that we are going to rent a boat and scatter her ashes in the ocean.
i hate that i won't have a particular place to go and visit her.
but its what she always wanted
she hated the idea of being in a box.
i called my dad yesterday and i told him about losing my wallet
he faxed me my birth certificate this morning hopefully its waiting in the office at work by the time i get there.
my aunt that lives with my grandparents
or my grandfather now rather.
well.
grandpa thinks she tried to kill herself.
but my father just thinks shes a drug addict.
who over self medicates.
either way isn't good .
they want to put her in a home.
shes caused trouble always and instigates fights with everyone.
she can say the nastiest mean things.
drives everyone away and has no regard for anyone.
i don't know whats going to happen
they always say that death or new life bring a family closer together
but i just see this pushing us further apart.
i feel so tired and lost.
-m

make a plan to love me

florence + the machine