OBSCENE PHONE CALLS ARE NEVER OKAY!!!!

She,she screams in silence.

he's over.
i'm sure now.
it will never be the way it was.
i should be happy.
at least i think i should.
but there is this huge emptiness that needs to be filled and i can't stand it.
i was listening to conor this morning and he sung a line that stuck with me.
"a heart just can't contain all of that empty space, it breaks"
i feel that.
and i feel like i'm trying to hard. but i'm unsure.
i feel incredibly sensitive anymore and bit of anything and i become unsure and paranoid.
i don't wanna be this person.
chef said in class today that i cook with nervousness and that i need to loosen up.
i believe that so much.
and i need to listen to her.
******************
i also am feeling things incredibly strong.
and i'm afraid it's to soon.
i'm not sure how to approach it.
i don't wanna seem needy or clingy
but i feel myself heading down that road.
******************
So i spoke to my mother last saturday we ended up hanging out .
it was pretty awesome most of the night i did open up to her
and i guess for her it was opening a can of worms.
she i guess didn't see it coming at all.
she also suggested i seek therapy.
FML.
i don't wanna do that.
i don't wanna be that person.
i don't think that there is anything wrong with me.
at least anything that i can't handle.
i'm trying harder and harder not to bottle things up and let them be spoken when felt.
the lonliness is harder to fix.
because i can't do much about it.
i can only talk to or call someone so much before becoming an annoyance or pain.
i'll see..
-M
p.s.
salmon today if you have a facebook check it out i'll be putting it up in a while.

he compared it to being held under water for a long time and now that i'm above i'm gasping for breath. i have to say i concur.

FML.

ugh.

i need to calm the fuck down. Freaking myself out helps nothing.
i should stop worrying about the things i can't control.
-M

me and my fucking insecurities.
i can never just let myself be.
if something happens
i have to over think over analyze over talk over everything.
i hate myself for being so weird about everything
i admire the people that can just let go and let things be
no worries..
i strive for that..
my stomach and heart are spinning.
-M.

shit i haven't posted in a while

school is going well.
a little bizarre but i am making new friends..
although learning a bunch of new names isn't easy
um..
adam
adriana
alexis
nick
carmine
allen
christy
tyler
samantha
stephany
those are all the ones that are out of class
in class there is
kevin
frank
justin
matt
bianca
and bunch others but i thought i'd just name the ones i've hung out with..
anyways
i'm so sick of baking already and i'm sick of people saying that they thought that i'd go into that..
ugh.
please don't presume to know me or who i am if we hardly speak.
reber i heard your home i'm gonna call or text or write you soon..
i miss all of zee homies.
and i know it's kind of an either/or type thing right now which sucks but i get it.
anyways.
if you don't have a facebook you should i've met some school friends via it. and posted a bunch of my culinary creations..
today i went w/manuel to legg lake to get rid of a lot of my stale baking products which was beyond fun..
other than that i'm gonna call it a day.
-M